We Are All a Work in Progress

The second story from yesterday's newspaper that grabbed me was about how many horror stories of the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina appear to be complete fabrications. I'm sure there were car jackings, and shootings, and rapes but the actual amount of these sordid incidents seems to have been greatly magnified by the amount of talking that has been done about it. Rumor spread to journalists, who reported it to their bosses, who printed it, and the whole world treated it as absolute truth. Let's not let a little thing like fact checking get in the way of a good blown out of proportion story. This reminds me of how Dan Rather cried on air recently about the climate of fear that was caused by the new media, essentially because due to the 24 hour news stations now it was hard to get away with as much stuff as had been before. But now we see that it's still easy to get crap out there and get people talking about it. But where did this hyperbole come from originally? My theory ...

Actually this post is really about the news from yesterday but I don't get the newspaper every day. I had to pay for this one. I forgot how crappy our local paper and in fact newspapers in general normally are. Let me give you the quick rundown on what's up in your world yesterday before I mow the lawn and go watch Last House on the Left at my cousin's house. Story 1) Anna Nicole Smith's never ending fight to get the money from the now dead guy that she married who was like 100 at the time. - Our newspaper, the Daily Press, has sunk to a new low and is publishing this kind of gossip column Hard Copy kind of crap which is the newspaper equivalent of a "where are they now?" piece on the FRONT PAGE. Basically, I think everyone entirely forgot about this story and it has no meaning at all or relevance to anyone that a rich fake boobed ho is a gold digger. This has an almost literal meaning now since the guy in question has been dead for years. She would have to di...

There was a tremendous outcry recently regarding my 2 posts which many people would rightly call a "breakdown" of sorts. I need to address that it is sometimes hard to maintain a public and private persona at the same time. I guess I just wasnt used to the challenge of sudden fame and succumbed to it early. I need to remember that this is a business that I am in and act accordingly. Just like Best Friend told me, if you only can post something once a week. Do it. Leave people wanting more instead of having them get sick of you. I think that's a great motto. And one that I intend to live by. I spent the time away from the blog not moping, as it would seem from reading, but living out some great material. That's right I've got several great stories to put up on the blog in the next day or 2. So new and old fans alike I just want to let you know that this is the perfect time to jump on the bandwagon of the future superstar. And just in case you forgot how hot I was, ...

Do I talk about my everyday observations? I just notice things that are out of the ordinary. I notice fat people. I notice people with green hair. I notice cracks in ceilings. I notice a shoe left alone without a twin brother on the sidewalk. I notice Wawa clerks giving intelligent and sassy answers to customers who are brusque and impatient. I notice white people looking tough and listening to rap music. I notice old people sitting by themselves, not talking and wearing glasses. But yet somehow when I notice fat people it's considered mean.

I feel trapped by the people who want something new every day and the people who want something funny all the time. I feel like I can't just write about what I saw that day or what I felt. It's like everything has to be a new high all the time. I'm in a perpetual daze for most of the day. I'm tired right now and I can't focus. I've been spending time on looking for ways to make money on Ebay for the last hour. So far, Ebay 1, me 0. It's sometimes hard because I feel like I can't write about people I know, since people I know read this blog and then they would tell me "what did you say that for?" and then they would harbor secret resentments against me and then they would tell me one day while in line at Blockbuster Video. Unfortunately, people I know is like all I know right now. sigh. buries head in keyboard. I was reading an Actor's Guide to Making it New York City in bed before I fell asleep last night. Is that funny? I'm thinking ab...

A lot of people are shy and confused at how exactly it is that they are supposed to go around and talk to people. Many of them are scared and think, "What if no one wants to talk to me?" This will probably be true if you don't use deodorant or wear matched clothes. It also helps if you spend your time on something more interesting than rock collecting. You talk about what you know, so if all you know is rock collecting people will be desparate to get away from you. What you need to do is invest your time in more interesting leisure pursuits, because trust me, no one wants to hear about what you do for a living. For instance, right now I'm doing power lunges, taking fencing classes, and studying tai-chi. Now I have the confidence to bust into any casual conversation and hijack it, forcing weak girly men to flee in my presence when I say, "Yep, I just busted out like 200 lunges this morning and I scored like 8 points in a row in fencing." Anyone who is not afr...

Oh man, I had this great post planned and it was gonna be like the funniest thing ever. You guys would have been like rolling on the floor and rofling all over the place. Sadly I'm yawning and I have salt water in my ear. You guys don't understand how that messes up my sensitive chemical balance that is required to write anything of any emotional depth or gravitas, as opposed to the straightforward progression of words that are appearing before you right now. I think anything that I drink right now would make me pee.

Airliner Fakes Emergency so passengers can watch Soccer Game was a headline the other day on CNN.com. I read CNN.com religiously every day just so I can be on top of things that are important and so I can nod knowingly when you relate some breaking story to me thinking that I may not have heard about it. It's not true. I have heard about it. The funny part is, I'm relating this story to you because I don't think that you have heard about it. And if you have, how come you haven't told me about it? Here's the rundown as we know it: A jet carrying 289 Gambian soccer fans and which happened to be chartered by Gambian Presidente Yahya Jammeh pretended it was low on fuel just so they could watch a Gambia verus Peru Fifa World Cup under 17 match. They made an emergency landing and watched the game in person. I never cease to be amazed about the passion for "football" by crazed and insane fans around the world who will routinely bite someone's ear for insulti...

Here in graphically untouched form, is a picture of a doughnut. I thought that I would share that with you since I decided that I wanted one. And people seem to like pictures, so I'm really killing 2 doughnuts with one motsa ball.

A lot of people have remarked that I'm not getting any younger. I do not feel that this is true. This is partly due to the fact that when I was a lot younger, I wasn't really young. People said I had an old soul. That's the kind of thing that you say to a kid who seems quiet and reflective. This is because old people don't do a lot of jumping around and quoting Dumb and Dumber and laughing a lot. They are very good at balancing their checkbooks, and complaining that their cancer is acting up. Lately, I have rediscovered how to be young and dumb again, so it's really serving me in good stead as I move forward with being a world famous movie actor. Case in point: I was at the Wachovia parking lot making a deposit, and there was this high school kid with a jansport backup on with a cell phone in his ear. Naturally I deduced that he was wondering where the trash his mom was and how come she hadn't picked him up yet. So I said to him, "Your mom hasn't picke...

For starters, you could try being me for a day. It's not easy. Because I usually keep my opinions to myself, and I am perceived as being smart, I'm usually seen as snotty and arrogant. When I level my stunning insight on people after being a little "hot under the drainpipe" people gape wondering how I could have possibly just said that...."OH SHE IS NOT THAT FAT. JOSH YOU ARE WORSE THAN PRESIDENTE BUSH THE WORST WAR CRIMINAL OF OUR TIMES!" I've noticed that people hate me indiscriminately for usually what I think is almost no reason at all. Most people who are around for me any length of time at all know that I love nothing better than filling up empty space in the air with the sound of my voice assuming there are other people around to hear it. My voice will usually be telling you something smart and funny that you were unable to think of yourself. That is what you invited me along for, so I can't help but feel flattered. Also, my voice will sometim...

...But first a few brief commercial messages. It's messages like the ones following that allow this fine reading material that you have access to 24/7. Please feel free to make a donation through paypal to joshdudley@yahoo.com. Any donation is accepted, be it big or small. However, if you donate more than 20 dollars you get a free tote bag to put all the crap that you buy the rest of the week in. If you donate more than one hundred and fifty dollars, then you have purchased a personal appearance by Joshua Dudley who will appear for 2 hours whenever you like. An additional fee is required for any extraordinary services that may be asked during this 2 hours. The definition of the word "extraordinary" will be determined on site by Joshua Dudley within 10 to 30 seconds of receiving your request. Original Nintendo System plus games for sale on Ebay I have a rather large collection of quality NES games and a complete working system from 8 years ago when I wrote video game revie...

Guys I was furiously trying to finish up today's hilarious message, when my time was cut short by the impending arrival of me having to go to work. Some people call it Chanello's, but I just call it the lower depths of hell. Lest you think I'm ungrateful, at the end of almost every day I say, "Money is money." New Post here in approximately 8 hours!

Setting: A squalid farmhouse built with inheritance money by a black man that had proven to be an illegitimate heir of Abraham Lincoln and was given a small pension to just go away. Characters: A traveling salesman named Ray, and Esther the housewife. (A knock on the door) (The door is opened) Esther(with a bemused look on her face): Kin I help yu? Ray(stepping through the front door and opening his suitcase): Why yes you can maam. Can you show me to the fireplace? Esther: We don't use that no more. Ray: Maam, I understand that a lot of poor farmers are replacing the inconvenience of building a fire in the winter with more modern conveniences like gas furnaces, but until we all get these so called "gas furnaces" running in our house, we'll all still need to use the fireplace in the winter, and when we do that the fireplace gets dirty. Maam I have a product which will absolutely change your life. No, dare I say it, it will revolutionize your life. Esther: Whatever you ...

Here We Are Now Entertain Us After flipping through my monthly free Rolling Stone magazine that I mostly despise that just came in to my mailbox today I was reminded of the words of Kurt Cobain some 12 odd years ago, “Here we are now, entertain us.” The glut entertainment of society has always produced a love/hate relationship by people who value things of real content, of real quality who want something told to them as if it really meant something and not just pounded out, rehashed, and served in heaping spoonfuls to the masses. Reality tv and celebrity gossip brings us all together on a superficial level and reminds us all how unimportant we are compared to the cult of personality. Kelly Clarkson doing punk rock is banality on its highest level. How are we supposed to believe her words if her essence is as changeable as hair color? Punk rock is supposed to be a way of being, of rebelling against what you see as an oppressive system Yes, I did see a picture of little Miss Kelly in Rol...

During this last week there have been a wave of benefits for Hurricane Katrina. I don't know how much good this will do because Hurricane Katrina is already gone. But really, since I've been driving for the accursed Chanello's this month, I have been pretty much listening to talk radio non-stop and I have concluded that there was absolutely no plan in place on the local level for what do about a hurricane that was predicted to come for years. The Louisiana state charter in fact has contingency plans about what to do in case of a hurricane. There were emergency buses that could have been used to get the black people out of town that are now complaining about lack of food, water, and shelter, and honeybuns. Hurricane Katrina was so big that the state had 3 days notice - clearly it was going to do some major damage. So then, is the reason that there is no public outcry against the black mayor of New Orleans, and the governor of Louisiana who is a woman, because it's just e...

Hopefully today's blog will go well on the way of answering the question of whether or not you should blog when you have less than nothing to say. This kind of talk sends a pickle right up the spine of people who always think everyone has something to say and are always willing to stick a microphone in someone's face and put them on tv. Cameraman: Quick you're on tv say something! Person: I ain't got no food, and I ain't got no water, and a little boy just stole my honeybun. Where'd he go? When I catch him I'm gonna____BZZZT Transmission has been interrupted I saw Mr. T recently in a local newspaper article on how Mohawks are coming back. Judging by the fact that my local newspaper is decidedly uncool I was having a hard time believing that Mohawks were actually coming back and whether or not Mr. T was still cool. I have always believed that he was, but this may have been because of my deluded personality, or maybe it was that one time I saw him do a motivat...

Here at the center for the retarded, we handle cases of retardation of all kinds. Some people come to us with their idiot sons and expect that we can turn them around. This is not always the case. Sometimes retarded happens. I know. I've seen it. I'm James Thurbon, M.D. for the mentally, physically, and spiritually retarded. If I had another joke right now. I would surely put it in. But I do not. But I do have.... A GREAT BOOK IDEA!!!!!! I've got this great idea for a book called "The Idiot's Guide to Idiots". Incredible title huh? I mean the thing practically writes itself. This is going in Barnes and Nobles right next to the toilet reader volume 3 in the humor section. I've already got some of it sketched out in the ol noggin. So if any if you can think of any good ideas, just let me know.

Guys please help. Seriously. I need some comments. I'm dying here. I spend way too long writing these things and coming up with ideas (usually) and I get no response. Is this stuff funny? Does it make you laugh? Do you like it? Are you just reading to placate me? I don't know. I feel like I'm shouting to an empty room, like I'm the performer that no one cares about. This stuff is hard to do. If I wanted to just ramble every day and put out some crap like everyone else or just a link to some news item that they liked that day, that would be easy. Maybe I should just be like everyone else then you would like me more. Those other people get comments. What do I have to do? I wish someone would tell me. Best friend for life actually called me up the other day with a comment about my blog instead of leaving a comment on my blog. Is everyone scared of leaving a comment or a complaint? I can take it. I'm a big boy. I'm 29, remember? I need your support more than ever. M...

Today's edition is brought to you by the people that brought that other stuff to you that last time. Did you know that a dollar is worth 100 pennies? or 4 quarters? or 10 dimes? Or just a random assortment of coins. Why even Canadian money could be worth a dollar. This has been today's edition of Did you Know? * I didn't know that (alert reader from Tuscaloosa, Idaho) Me and Melvin I've been applying all over the place to restaurants ever since I got fired . None of them have called me back. I don't think that calling people back is something that restaurant managers actually do. They probably figure that they don't need to because they always have people coming in to fill out applications and you can never have too many hot girls working at your restaurant and trust me there will always be a slot open for them over say...me. So I applied at this one particular place that was just opening called Carabba's Italian Grill, and this is where I met Melvin, the Eg...

Look folks. If we don't pretend that nothing has happened, then the hurricane will have already won. I don't particularly like it when hurricanes win. So uh. Quit all that freekin out, and stop all your gas hysteria. Chris Farley was given a star on the Walk of Fame This actually happened a few days ago, I just neglected to talk about it. Chris Farley was the greatest ball of fat known to man. He could use a 2-dollar bill as a prop and make it funny by trying to rip it in half and falling over. Actually my favorite memories were mostly of him falling over or hitting his head on something and screaming. He was the greatest self-pitying comic ever. Predictably 99% of you reading this have seen Tommy Boy since Comedy Central and TNT run it like every other week, but I would also reccomend that you rent or buy his SNL greatest hits DVD. This despite the fact that the new SNL dvd's are just basically chop shop operations where they just take random footage and throw it on the di...