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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I'm About to Pass out

From over stimulation, too much cigar smoke in the apartment and 3 hours of sleep on sunday followed by 6 on monday and after a full 8 today i need to go to bed right now. ive been way tired for over an hour. but still i knew the people would be clamoring for me, and I cannot abandon them. It is against my honor!

Some notes of note

I was at a house party on Saturday, and the topic happened to come up about Moby and whether or not he was a christian and then it struck me that christians sort of have this minority view of themselves where they (we) cling desparately to people in popular media and pin our normal view of christianity on them. Oh so if Moby's a christian, then i guess it's okay! that kind of thing. and then someone brought up how some old school metal artist is a christian but he doesnt change his stage show to reflect that, believing that its only a show and he shouldnt change what made him successful in the first place while living his life with friends and family for God. interesting topic to be sure.

What do you guys think about that?

Friday, March 24, 2006

I'm Not Bloggging Till I get Another Comment

You guys probably thought that I wouldn't notice that my last 2 lucid and bizzare posts met with no comment. Perchance it was because you had no idea what to say. I no no. I spelled the word "no" wrong. It should have been "know", as in Dr. Know the first James Bond movie (other than Casino Royale of course) based on the popular British spy character invented by Ian Fleming way back when. It was always great escapist fun watching James Bond because he always had some gadget which would allow him to do something so ridiculous that you would just laugh, shake your head and say, "That wacky ol James Bond has done it again!"

And speaking of ridiculous...

Which movie are you guys looking forward to more, Rocky 6 or Rambo 4?

I haven't watched a single new Stallone film since Copland in 1997, the rest have all been, as I understand it, turgid. You may not be familiar with that word as such, but you'll have to trust me when I say that it was used derogatorily.

Where was I on that Stallone thing? Oh yeah, now I remember. Which is more believable, a 60 year old boxer, or a 60 year old survival expert training an elite survival squad in Iraq to defeat terrorism. It's go America!!!! time. I remember vividly watching Rocky 4 with my dad and brother in the movie theater and the fans literally standing up and chanting Rocky! Rocky! Of course they could have also been chanting USA! USA! which they will be because of these 2 movies which makes me wonder if they weren't a mandate from the President in order to increase public support of the war on evil doers.

Well, thats my post. I have to go make eggs. My theory is that Rocky dies in Rocky 6, but Rambo kills a lot of people. Comment away!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Steal this Blog!

I have no real reason for writing that, except that it's funny in an idiosyncratic sense and if nothing else that's at least good for something, although I must admit that at this time I am not exactly sure what that is or why it would be important but I feel I have certain obligations to my readership to include you in important goings ons such as this private joke that we are now sharing in honor of that beloved social revolutionary, Abby Hoffman. Abby loved his country so much that he named his only son after it, and thus America Hoffman was born, although I think it would have been more powerful if he had named him Johnny America who could have then become a comic book character and fought all sorts of wacky adventures against the red skull.

I'm so sorry but work on this blog is unbearable now that I have become afflicted with the dread disease that waits for all of us - sleep! Sleep is to be feared. It can strike at any time and without mercy. It holds no regards to the color of one's skin, or which moon you bow to. Sleep waits for you my friend, and when it catches you, it's lights out.

Yes, I did stay up far too late last night for undisclosed reasons and so I have to go to bed at 8:45 pm in the hopes that I wake up refreshed and able to continue on with my day of peril in which I attempt to figure out what my maniacal office manager wants me to do before she leaves to go on vacation. She will be and cry and plead with me to get everything right and ask me to ask questions if I don't know something , and then will promptly get all freaked out when I don't know it. It's too much for me. Which is why no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel the overwhelming urge to buy a Coke and drink it. I've heard it does a body good.

Additional news is that I had another phone conversation with Valley Girl in which she revealed her country of origin to be from California, in fact in, the Valley. I still have no idea where that is, and I'm convinced that a basic knowledge of geography is totally unimportant. She's spring breaking for a week back home and will get back to me later. So I'm feeling good at how slow I'm taking this time with the new girl. It feels great to not be worried about a girl for once after meeting her, unfortunately I've been worrying lately that I'm not worrying enough about it.

What else can I say before I collapse and yawn again? Nothing apparently, a yawn escaped my lips in mid-sentence and now I must retire.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The George Foreman Saga: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Grilled Food

Hoo boy! There sure is a lot of stuff going on in the world isn't there? I mean that's like a serious understatement if ever understatements have been made, and certainly they have otherwise there would be no need at all to have such a word which describes something which otherwise wouldn't ostensibly exist.

I heard that Dick Cheny, who is currently our vice president as of this writing, shot someone in the face. It's very likely that this won't happen ever again as I understand he is now going through a mandatory "face shooting sensitivity training course" which is designed to let the viewer understand how serious it is to shoot someone in the face. I have never seen it, since I have never shot anyone in the face, however there was this one time that me and my brother were playing with BB guns and my brother asked me to point the gun at him and pull the trigger, which looking back on it seems like a really bad idea given the fact that our dad had told us to never point a gun at someone's face which looking back on it is probably the best advice that he has ever given me. It turns out that the gun actually had a bb in it, and not knowing this I turned the face of the gun slightly to the left of my brothers face, and fired, hitting coincidentally a picture of my brother in the face.

It's this kind of bitter irony which sometimes forces us to pause and reflect on the indeterminate nature of our very lives while we curl up on the couch eating Doritos and watching the new season of the Sopranos which I understand has started and every New York newspaper around here has already reported that Tony Soprano has been shot. I do not know however if it was in the face. Could Dick Cheney be involved? Was he interviewed for the piece? I do not know. However, I know it is time for us as a nation to come together so the communication over face shooting can truly begin. Otherwise, the terrorists may already have won.

In other slightly unrelated news, I just returned home from a rough day at the hospital where I temp at and after filing folders all day and getting blisters underneath my fingernails, and having to walk through an endless mine field of elevators that seem to stretch on to the heavens I spent the last half hour of the day reading New York magazine which appropriately featured articles on the Soprano's and that one guy who was on the Soprano's who helped to shoot a cop in the face and was immediately labeled a "cop killer." I don't want to actually name this hospital, because I understand now that bloggers are getting in trouble for name dropping and getting fired for posting their opinions about commercial interests which are of a serious and private, yet universal interest. I do not think it is a conflict of interest for something to be universal and private at the same time, I just think that big companies only want the truth to be spoken about their product, which in this case is their carefully crafted corporate image which probably includes a slogan about how every day they are striving to be the best at whatever it is that they do and they want you to know it.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to find good fried chicken in New York City and I think this is a serious problem. I'm not going hungry or anything, what with McDonalds taking over the city alongside Starbucks but sometimes a man has a hunger that only a chicken breast that has been seasoned with the Colonel's original recipe can satisfy. A woman can never satisfy this craving, she can only feed it. I recommend the 10 piece "family bucket". Some of my favorite childhood memories involved the smells that would come out of that bucket which other families would bring to church lunch functions. My function at these events was to eat the chicken, and I must say that I was incredibly skilled at it.

And now I am a little bit hungrier than I was when I first started writing this piece so it is time for me to pay a little visit to a place in my apartment that I like to call "the kitchen" and fire up the George Foreman grill and put some chicken breast in it.

Good Night everyone and good luck with whatever you're doing. and don't forget to comment on how great you think this blog is and how you want to get me in contact with a book publisher who would love to jump on this crazy bandwagon that is rolling all over the freekin place!

Friday, March 10, 2006

News of the Day

What with trying to be entertaining and having my living soul sucked out of me lately, I've noticed that I've been a little skimpy on any actual, you know news about me. Since probably nearly everyone that reads this thing actually knows me, that may not be such a bad idea. I mean I may have to sacrifice writing some ridiculous story about God knows what that 5 of you would enjoy for the greater good of mankind as we know it to be.

So, what has been happening with me lately? Not a lot if you judge by this thing, but experience has taught me that a man's blog may not always be the best representation of anything that is actually relevant to him, especially if you're dealing with an individual of such an unusal persuasion like myself. Did I happen to mention that I enjoy celery? Well maybe I should have. Information like that could be quite pertinent should you chance to encounter me at some wild and distant point in the future when those damn dirty apes have destroyed everything.

Well, as it turns out there is nearly always something happening to me in New York City, but I often feel too buggered to write about.

So here's a list. ahem.

1) Met great girl at church

2) Began exchanging long and exhilarating e-mails several times per day for an entire week.

3) Spent days on end contacting temp companies trying to drum up work.

4) Went to church and the Museum of Modern Art with her and her sister and her roomate. A lovely time was had by all. Seriously it was a fun time. It felt so natural like we could have that kind of time many times in the future.

5) 2 days later was informed that:

a) she dated a musician for 4 years and began to look down on him because of lack of funds.
b) went through years of therapy for this
c) therapy convinced her that she was co-dependant and shouldn't be in a relationship with other co-dependant people which since we seemed to be so much alike she was convinced that I was, but clearly this was just an excuse to cover up the deeper issue to be discussed in d as follows:
d) She could not date any more artists period. Since I'm an artist, that means I'm out.
e) Spent several fruitless hours writing to convince her of her folly including how I would work 2 jobs to support what would clearly be a very beautiful baby.
f) natch. At some point, despite the fact that she was more logic driven than any woman I've ever met, her red flags were flying and she refused to listen to any more of my supportive arguments fully convinced that there was nothing I could do to change her mind
g) deep depression. unable to write anything worthwhile.
h) yadda yadda yadda
i) briefly floated the idea of meeting with her to ask nagging questions. When she discovered that I would not give her the questions in advance the idea was shot to pieces with a buttering knife and eaten with a french croissant (She's very civilized)
j) discussed the girl situation with several close friends who all did their best to council while I forged ahead and did my best to completely ignore what they said and screw up on my own terms.

6) Prospective New York talent agent contacted me to setup possible (still) forthcoming meeting for the 16th of march.

7) met new best friend - another funny actor, writer, general enterainer also named Josh.

8) Josh floated the idea of getting an apartment together in Queens. I second the notion.

9) began a series of temp assignments.

10) first temp assignment was hair raisingly dull - a receptionist. my duties consisted of opening the door for people and sorting the mail. I mean really, how much of my time during an 8 hour working day do you think that took up?

11) in the middle of second temp assignment at hospital. More work means less sucky. Basically i do an enormous amount of filing and photocopying. I travel to 3 different offices daily in the world's largest hospital, Mt Sinai on Madison Avenue. I got lost half a dozen times in the first 3 days alone. But they're not so picky on time or anything so it's okay. In fact, it seems like a hospital is pretty ineficient in a way that reminds me of the government. Oh well. 12 dollars an hour is 12 dollars an hour no matter how you slice it.

12) unable to remember details about 12, moving on quickly to 13

13) Was reading a book called the life of Pi which reminded me that God has the whole world in his hands, so I felt better and quickly got over the "relationship" as much as you can given the fact that I'm still convinced it would work out if I had any money to speak of. I don't really think not dating an artist would have mattered if I had a recurring role on Guiding Light and was the star of the new IBM commercials.

14) Shortly thereafter met another girl who agreed to be friends with me. Due to previous female encounter, am deathly afraid of what to do next. Do I call her to hang out? Do I try to go out with a group with her and other people since we're friends and not dating. How soon do I call her just to talk? oh the possibilities.

15) Discovered that has listings for actors. Promptly stayed up way too late sending out digital headshots.

16) Have been waking up way too early lately for hospital temp job due to annoyance with the work. I think dread makes it hard to sleep, and I sure dread this place. However with the imminent collapse of winter, I don't think I'll be having to worry about work and money for a while.

17) I have 3 short film auditions this weekend. One of them may actually pay something!

18) Wrote new blog detailing myriad of experiences as of late.

19) Finished blog and thought about eating sandwich

20) Realized that we are all out of bread and don't feel like driving even though store is only 8 blocks away. This is because it's nearly impossible to get a good parking spot at night so assumedly when I returned from my shopping trip, I would have to park like 4 blocks away.

21) Wished everyone a merry christmas and to my sister who is getting married in just over a month! I'll be coming home then. Look for me to appear like Haley's Comet.

22) I'm so excited right now.

23) Worried that I shouldn't have left message on new girls phone explaining that I was calling to confirm that it was her number and since it was I would be hanging up.

24) Am overthinking my overanalyzing.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Women on the Subway

For the benefit of everyone who doesn't live in New York City, which admittedly is most of the world, you may not be aware of some particularly strange new york behaviour that goes on in the subways. It is thus: when you are waiting to board a subway it is perfectly okay to engage a stranger in conversation, if interested the stranger will talk back and if you board the same train as them it is perfectly okay to continue the conversation until it ends and try to exchange phone numbers or just mumble something at them as they get off on their stop and have a happy life that doesn't include ever seeing you again neccessarily.

However, once you are actually on the train, 99.99% of strangers will not have a conversation with you for fear of their life. It's like the whole personification of the alpha male syndrome of pack animals. When you look at someone in the eyes too long they may growl at you or move to a different seat to avoid all the intimidation that you are directing their way with your unwanted "eye" presence. Any talk at all between strangers is usually just to alert someone else about something like about how they dropped their bag or that a fat woman is about to fall on them and they may want to move. After the event has passed, so has the conversation. Any questions that are asked after this point will likely be answered with one word and a turn of the head.

So it was with some bizzarre surprise when yesterday on the subway I made a casual remark to a girl and she actually said something. and then something else. and then I remarked to her how bizzarre it was that she was actually talking to me. and then we just talked. then i made her laugh. then as she was leaving i asked if I could give her my email address and she said that she already had a lot of boyfriends.

I can certainly imagine. I mean after all, a girl who would talk to a stranger on a subway must be popular. The kind of behaviour that she displayed is known as "subway slutting". It is practiced only by those familiar with the dark arts, and by that I do mean mud painting.

Friday, March 03, 2006

A funny thing happened on the way to the grocery store

So I was in the elevator at the grocery store going down to the parking lot and I saw a sign that said "shoplifters will be prosecuted". I kind of find that hard to believe because of the logistics of catching every little kid that makes off with a snickers bar. On the other hand though, I think most lawyers are sneaky, so to make up for it, I think there should be another sign that reads "Prosecuters will be shoplifted." I kind of think that would bring balance to the world.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Life Affirming Moment

I just finished watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO on Demand and right when I turned it off, the Price is Right was on and I was reminded to keep my pets spayed and neutered. There's not many things that reach all the way back to your childhood, but Bob Barker takes me back and he's still fresh. By god, did you see the way he punched out Adam Sandler almost 10 years ago in Happy Gilmore? Man he was really old then, so imagine how old he is now!