I wrote about the new game No Mans Sky for the NY Observer. It's exciting and full of possibilities, but it's not for everyone.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Friday, February 26, 2016
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Is This How This Thing Works?
I'm going to go ahead and put the announcement on here. It's something that I've been feeling for a long time but I was sort of scared to say in person. Of course I'm not really saying it in person, I'm typing it, and I'm a person. What was I saying? I can't remember, because I'm engaging in an activity that stimulates my frontal cortex, namely typing without stopping to catch a breath or think of the sentence, just typing, or writing if you will.
The reason I'm writing this blog is to announce that I'm leaving New York. I don't want there to be a lot of fanfare, Lord knows no one reads this thing anyway, or at least they don't admit to. Truth be told this blog hasn't been relevant in 10 years. Honest admission, it never was. However, i've been going back and reading old articles of mine and I was pretty damn good.
There's not some complicated answer why I'm leaving. I just don't get energized by the city anymore, the energy that you're supposed to get energized by lately feels like a crowd of people moving past me and I no longer have the stamina to stay with the beat constantly. New York makes me feel tired.
Maybe its the chrohn's disease and the constant feeling of feeling drained all the time. Right now my stomach is putting on a wierd clinic of some sort and i have no idea what it's doing. I wish there was medicine for it that didn't involve things my mom would despise and make a pained face about.
Maybe its the fact that I haven't had a real girlfriend since May 1997. In fact, I'm still in love with that girl from back then and I'd say yes to her in a second if she would have me, but that is just not happening.
Regardless, we all need someone to love who loves us and I just haven't found anyone out here who can or wants to do that for me. I tried explaining this to my girlfriend from 1996/1997 and she said I need to stop focusing on it so much, that there's other kinds of love.
I still love acting but never get a chance to audition anymore and performing in plays seems like a non paying gig - something that I can't possibly afford here - the most expensive city in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the jaws of a thresher. Just tilled constantly and constantly and thrown about. Of course I do have an idea what that feels like since I was in a car accident several years ago where I was thrown about a few times.
Dang. I can't remember where I was going before or if I had a focus or some kind of meaning to what I was saying. I guess I just wanted to write where my heart led and I'm letting it do all the talking right now but unfortunately it doesn't always know what it wants to say at a rate fast enough for it to keep up with my fingers.
These fingers that I wear down by constantly biting the nails. I never could get over that. I'm only thinking of it because I was working with this girl last weekend and she was skinny and desperate seeming (also?) and she liked the fact that I bit my nails because she did it too and in some small way it made her feel less alone.
I think i just hit something on the head. I do feel alone. Alone. It's not a good feeling. In fact it might be the worst feeling. My mom used to describe it as wanting to sit along in the backyard and go dig for worms to eat.
Now that makes me smile. I can still smile in the midst of crisis because...well i don't know why exactly or at least i can't sum up a good solution in a few seconds and as I've stated i have to keep typing until my thoughts and fingers stop and I don't want that to happen so I will continue.
This style of writing that I'm engaging in is something that I thought of years ago in one of my many unfinished books called "Outwards" that I am pretty sure is available to view on my first website - http://www.joshdudley.tripod.com . And the idea is to do pretty much what I'm doing now. If i have to pause to catch a breath or sigh or come back to it later then the writing is done. It's as if I have written all I can do in one breath. Naturally there will be wrongly spelled words and odd turns of the phrase.
I'm reminded now of a similar game I used to play with myself when I was very young. I would ride my bike with my eyes closed and ride towards a nearby ditch and attempt to open my eyes and stop myself at the very last minute before I went into the ditch itself.
You might think thats a crazy game to play or maybe you don't remember what it's like to be 8 years old.
I wish i did. So much ahead of me.
Of course they aren't all golden memories. Even back then I knew what sadness was. I lost my grandfather when I was 5 years old and this is a story i actually wrote about before. anyway. i didn't want my dad to see my cry so i didn't go to the funeral because I know i would have cried there and I wanted my dad to see me as tough because I thought my dad was tough and maybe then he would love me more.
I guess thats what life is really all about isn't it? Wanting someone to love us more.
Love is the engine that keeps us going. Or its the fuel.
It's everything. and now i don't know what to say anymore or whether I should stop.
My stomach feels odd right now. like its a moving living organism. I wish i could make it stop doing that. I wish Jesus would heal me. I've prayed for that so many times and I know hundreds of friends and family members have too.
I wrote this piece because I wanted you to know. I don't know who "you" are anymore. I guess I just wanted to find out who still cares. Who is still out there. Keeping in mind that people who are still out there and people who check facebook regularly to see the announcement and link that I will put up there are a smaller percentage than I would like to think.
I think I've said enough.
Being that I don't have anymore to say.
The End (for now)
Thursday, September 18, 2014
My grandfather is dead
i'm currently 2 hours removed from leaving the visitation for my grandfather and im feeling a lot of emotions and feel the need to share them somehow and im hoping in some wierd way writing a blog will help.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Breaking News! Derrick Rose retires from the NBA
In a surprise announcement Chicago Bulls Star Derrick Rose announced today his retirement from the game of basketball. The official announcement came during a break from a team scrimmage which his team was handily winning and during which he punctuated with a series of emphatic one handed dunks yelling to his downed foes - "I'm back!"
He explained that he was simply not mentally or emotionally ready to continue playing the game of basketball and never would be, and to continue to cheat the fans and the team by pretending otherwise was simply a distraction to his teammates many of whom are injured; like Luol Deng who told the coach he might be able to play a few minutes tonight against the defending champion Miami Heat in the playoffs if it would help the team.
"I'm simply trying to do what's best for everyone" Derrick continued. "My team is in the midst of a very important series against the Miami Heat and as long as they hold out the hope that I might be coming back to save them; I'm nothing but a distraction which is the last thing they need against a team that dominant.
"Now if you'll excuse me" he said, "I have to finish up this thing, I'm just crushing Kirk Heinrich right now. The guy can barely stand up and he wants to come back this week and get tossed to the ground like Lebron James did to Nazr Mohammed. What's he thinking?"
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
In Defense of Rap-Rock, article critique
I am applying for a job as an editorial assistant for Slate magazine and for the application I was asked to critique one of their culturebox articles. The result is below, and the article is linked right before this sentence, please let me know what you think.
“In Defense of Rap Rock” has a confusing opening that equates the term “the dream of the 90’s” with “nostalgia” and then later a “celebration of cultural touchstones”. It would have been more straightforward and simpler to mention that the 90’s brought a wealth of terrific pop culture, but as a whole rap rock was one element that we would all like to forget.
The author quickly redeems himself by bringing us up to date on the current state of rap-rock fusion with his more than considerable knowledge of the scene lifting up the Wugazi mixtapes as a shining example of the good that can come from blending these two distinct sounds.
Run DMC and Aerosmith’s hugely popular collaborative effort “Walk this Way” spawned a whole suite of imitators eager to cash in, and the author makes the case that corporate greed destroyed rap rock when they created the soundtrack album for the movie “Judgement Night” which the website allmusic.com describes as every track being “a hard rock act combined with a rap act”.
I disagree, as soundtrack albums from the 90’s seldom if ever even approached the popularity of the movie, (Romeo and Juliet being one of the few examples) and “Judgement Night” an Emilio Estevez vehicle, made little noise in the movie or music business and came several years before the onslaught of terrible rap that is the focus of this article.
The article claims that the merger of grunge and later nu-rock with rap led to the toxic sludge like Limp Bizkit that is best consigned to the trash bin of history. While ultimately true, the article seems to have almost criminally left out the only actual redeeming artifact of 90’s rap rock of any real worth, and that is the blistering sounds of Rage Against the Machine, the efforts of which were never equaled before or since.
The author name checks many more current musicians that I am unfamiliar with, explaining that by reimagining 80’s hip hop and rock combos and skipping the 90’s versions entirely, new rap rock has proven that grunge simply didn’t work well with rap music.
Blaming everything on Limp Bizkit and their ilk doesn’t prove anything at all, besides the fact that those bands made terrible music.