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Saturday, May 23, 2020

How To Get What You Want Without Really Trying










If you are reading this, then there are probably things you want and have been unable to get for some very good reasons. One of those reasons might be that getting things requires effort, sometimes a lot of effort. Sometimes the strain of trying to get said things is so taxing, people go crazy and eat microwave pizza instead of preparing a real meal for dinner. Trying to get things that you didn’t have before is sometimes called “dream-chasing”. Other times, as in the case of Hitler, it is called being a ruthless and maniacal dictator who will stop at nothing less than world domination regardless of his inability to grow a full mustache. It certainly hasn’t stopped former president George Bush from painting dogs over and over again, which means it shouldn’t stop you either! However, it probably will.
Let’s face it, what are the odds of you actually achieving your dreams of wealth, prosperity, and happiness? Probably very low. Does this mean that you should give up trying and devote your life to not getting fired, playing the lottery, and watching Netflix? Not unless you are immersing yourself in a film role, like Daniel Day-Lewis, by becoming the boring characters Jennifer Aniston plays in critically acclaimed films The Good Girl and Cake.
Now, what if I told you there was a proven method to always get exactly what you wanted without putting forth what could conceivably be called “effort”? Me and you and everyone we know would be lined up at my door or calling my hotline for 2.69 a minute or whatever you had to do to discover the secret to doing nothing and getting everything. Ironically, that amount of effort could actually be used towards, you know, doing something productive or whatnot.
It’s simple! All you have to do is click here for easy step-by-step instructions on manifesting whatever you want, need or desire. I know, I know! You’re saying to yourself “Hold on just a gosh darn minute! I don’t have time to watch an 11-minute video. I have things I need and the sooner I get them, the better. That is time I may never get back. In fact, if what I have heard about the theory of relativity is true, I will never actually be able to get back any time whatsoever, so this particular discussion is totally moot.”
Now, listen. As a random stranger writing to you on the Internet, I am imbued with all the power that can possibly be vested in me to explain the concept of manifesting. It’s true that if you Google the word, you’ll get a lot of helpful links like this one. However, I totally get it. You’ve got worlds to conquer and mustaches to grow, so what are you wasting any more of my time for? That last sentence was a little too meta, and I’m not quite sure of the intransitive properties necessary to figure out if that was a hypothetical reader talking to me or if it was from a hypothetical omniscient author talking to you (whomever you maybe).
Hey, if you want to actually work towards your goals, there are plenty of websites that will tell you how to do it. My advice? Don’t listen to them! It’s a bunch of worthless advice that you could pick up at the supermarket checkout aisle along with a Snickers bar. “Work hard. Make a Plan. Make a To-Do List. Plan Ahead. Zero in on your Target.” Does this sound like something you can actually do? Between making a list and checking it twice, I’m going to have a hard time figuring out who’s naughty and who is nice at being a pitchman for Gold Bond Foot Powder spray. The answer to this question is Shaquille O’Neal.
Obviously, if you want something really really really really really really really really really really bad enough, you’ll wish very hard for it, and it will happen. This is called manifesting, and I do it all the time. For instance, earlier today I manifested that this column would write itself, and here it is! You can’t argue with logic like that, and I don’t recommend that you do. Unless, of course, you are linking to this on Facebook, in which case arguing is an art form, and you will definitely be able to convince people that the religion they have based their entire life on is worthless because you have found the secret to prosperity and happiness.
Manifesting makes life easy! I manifested that my car would be paid off, and it is! I manifested that I would wake up in the morning and my sweet Lord did it ever happen! Manifesting gets me so excited that I end sentences with exclamation points when I don’t even have to!
So there you have it. Now that you have the key to lifelong happiness, you will surely surpass everyone else in luck, wisdom, intelligence and every other tangible measurement of worth on this planet. Now, you may be asking yourself “what if other people follow this same advice? Everyone else would manifest themselves to be awesome too and there can only be one.” Well, don’t think about that too much and focus on out-manifesting those other people, because that is the only way you’re going to stay ahead in the manifesting game. You’re going to have to spend a lot of time eating Cheetos and manifesting good health at the same time. Cheetos help you manifest, as does watching Oprah. How do you think she became the richest woman in the universe? Some people call her the richest woman on the planet when it is obvious to me that she has simply out-manifested every other woman in the known and unknown universe. Don’t believe me? Right now, she is manifesting that you will buy her magazine and download the HD version of Beloved, and if you don’t do it, you are letting her down as well as shattering your own manifestations, so hop to it!

Ten Things I Learned After Filing for Bankruptcy

originally published in the Elizabethian February 20th, 2015


I recently filed for bankruptcy and I had a great time! I laughed, I cried, I answered some questions. I paid $1800. I may or may not have lied under oath. But, in the end, I learned a few things…

















#1. There are several different kinds of bankruptcies.
The most common one, called Chapter 7, is for people like me who are actually broke. The others are mostly for rich people who are hiding their assets and just want to “reorganize” their corporate structure (which is a fancy synonym for “stealing”). There’s actually one for farmers too, which is strange because I thought they were all getting huge government subsidies to operate on all that GMO corn I keep hearing about. Wow. That’s kind of depressing.
#2. It costs a lot of money to go broke.
This one sounds like a joke, and that’s kind of what I was going for, but it’s also true! If you begin reading at #2 on lists or have forgotten the depressingly high figure I quoted way back at the top, I will retype it for you right now: $1800. That is the sum of money I had to bring in cash to my lawyer’s office before they would sit down and talk to me. I’ve been told you can pay a lot more than that, but I’m not going to pay a lot for this muffler, and neither should you. I had to stop paying my health insurance and credit cards for 3 months to come up with that kind of money. Hopefully you won’t need to sell a kidney or otherwise sacrifice your health like I did in order to go belly up on your staggering debt load.
#3. Or you can pay nothing!
I was technically fibbing a bit on that last one, because you can file bankruptcy without a lawyer. However, everything I read about declaring on the Internet suggested to go above and beyond to avoid doing so, and everything on the Internet is true. There are also lawyers that work pro bono on bankruptcy cases, but so many people are seeking help from these charity organizations that the process takes months. I figured by the time I was done waiting to file, law enforcement would be seeking to arrest me every time I swiped my card at McDonald’s.
#4. They’re all going to laugh at you!
This is an homage to last weekend’s terrific Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special and also the answer to the question “How will most of your friends react when you tell them you’re filing bankruptcy?” People will laugh, they’ll tell you that you screwed up, and then they’ll remind you that you owe them 100 bucks on a bet from last year’s Superbowl. Don’t listen to those people! You know what you’re doing! After all, it’s not like you got yourself into a debt situation that took years to accumulate in a gradual slide, so you didn’t realize what was happening and were virtually powerless and wanted to bury your head in the sand like an ostrich instead of taking a hard look at how much money you owed. Right? Oh yeah. Oops.
#5. You can’t declare bankruptcy for Student Loan Debt.
Yes, that’s right. To the approximately 75% of you readers that are swimming in college loan debt and will be for the foreseeable future: you are officially screwed. Credit card debt, health care bills, car loans, and almost every other kind of debt can be liquidated and thrown down the memory hole. Not so with student loan debt, which last I checked, almost everyone age 18-30 in America has plenty of. You may think that’s unfair, and now you’re asking yourself how Brown University possibly expected you to pay off $185,632 in loans with a degree in humanities (*Brown currently charges $46,408 a year). To which I respond, maybe it’s time to find out what Brown can do for you? Too soon?
#6. You can start over.
After a long and painful series of unfortunate events, it’s weird not owing the credit card companies anymore. I can only describe it as having a large weight gradually lifted off your shoulders. Even now, a few weeks after filing and several months since meeting my lawyer, it still hasn’t hit me how real the whole thing is yet. It’s like waking up to a brand new day or going to an undiscovered country. There are so many possibilities out there that didn’t exist before.
#7. Bankruptcy court isn’t a regular court
You know that intimidating courtroom with the judge and the bailiff and the hard backed wooden seats that you went to from the time you passed a school bus with its stop sign out and the sheriff was yelling at you about how you could have killed kids? No, that isn’t the court you go to when you’re filing bankruptcy. It’s a small, informal room filled with nervous people like yourself and a bunch of lawyers dressed like they’re going to watch their kids play T-ball. When the judge arrives with binders full of things (not women), he or she will sit down at a table and call the names of people filing for bankruptcy. When your name is called, you and your lawyer take a seat in front of the judge while numerous questions are asked about your financial history and your dealings with the law office that is representing you. Answer a quick “yes” or “no” to most of these questions, and you’ll be ready to hit the road to financial freedom.
#8. You mean I’m not done yet?
Assuming you answered everything correctly in court and your lawyer filed all your paperwork correctly, your bankruptcy proceedings should be going smoothly from there, independent of any & all dealings having to do with you – except for one short and super long online test. The test is called a debtor education course, and you have to be logged on for at least 3 hours on a debtor education course website of your choosing in order to successfully complete the course. If you do not manage to complete the course in the generously allotted time of 30-60 days after filing for bankruptcy, then your case will be thrown out and you will have to re-file. No one wants to do that except paperwork sadists.
#9. You’ll be able to rebuild or re-destroy your credit within a year.
According to my highly paid lawyer (and I should know, I paid him), credit card companies will start offering you credit cards with exorbitant rates again within a year or so, and you would do well to sign up for them in order to more effectively rebuild your credit. Alternatively, you can max out your shiny new Best Buy store card with 27% interest and a $300 spending limit on useless home stereo equipment and choose to never pay it back. What’s the worst that could happen?
#10. Credit Cards aren’t as important as you think they are.
Last year, after I had maxed out my regular credit cards on a business trip to Las Vegas, I was able to use my bank’s debit card on hotel stay, car rental, and after I was fired, a flight back. So, as far as I can tell, your Visa card really is “Everywhere you Want to Be” and it doesn’t matter one bit to anyone that it’s not a real credit card.
To sum up: Yeah, you probably won’t be able to buy a brand new car for several years, but with all the money you’re saving from not paying Bank of America and Citibank, you can just buy it in cash!

Let Your Children Be Raised by Wolves

originally published in the Elizabethian February 2nd, 2015
Now that the #SuperBowl is over, we can get back to thinking about the most important thing in our lives – our children. Think about it. All throughout the night, the Superbowl sponsors were bombarding viewers with reminders of the power of Human Connection (McdonaldsCoke), the harm of simple words (Always), how proud we want to be of our children (ToyotaMicrosoft), and, most importantly, how we want to protect them from an uncertain future (NationwideNissan). And this was all before halftime!
Clearly America has gotten the message that the children are our future. We can teach them well and let them lead the way. But what’s the best way to lead them?
Terms like “helicopter parenting” and “free range parenting” are thrown around to describe popular parenting techniques picked up from decades of watching Oprah and reading Cosmo. These are parents who only want the best for their children and are certain they have the right idea. They want their kids to be safe, but their methods differ greatly.
The classic helicopter parent is always waiting for their kids at the bus stop five minutes before the bus arrives. A child of a helicopter parent will be the first kid in class to get a cell phone to call mommy or daddy to come pick them up if anything bad happens.
The free range parent movement advocates letting children walk long distances without a parent in sight. It is the polar opposite of the helicopter parent and believes strongly that leaving children alone to occupy themselves will lead to greater independence and foster a sense of belief in themselves.
Both sets of parents will no doubt find a lot to like with last night’s ads, which will no doubt leave them wanting to hold their children tighter than ever before or set them free and see how they can really fly.
Unfortunately, both of these parenting techniques are really missing the boat when it comes to the best way to grow a child in a safe and nurturing environment.
Much like the paleo movement of eating, which says that we should eat like our ancestors did, I believe that we should let our children be raised by wolves, just like nature intended!
A young boy or girl raised by a wolf would grow up strong and with a taste for meat! They would be able to overcome any obstacle set before them and might also have a nasty overbite. Look no further than the classic movie “Wolf” starring Jack Nicholson for an example of what happen if you piss off the child of a wolf in the office – you will get peed on, right in the office. Good luck explaining that to corporate without looking like a total stooge.
We all want our children to get ahead in life and lead with the pack, and what better way to teach them to climb the corporate ladder than watching the alpha wolf constantly fending off younger and stronger rivals?
Wolves don’t mess around when it comes to sissy infighting. They chew up and spit their opponent out and show them who’s boss!
Wolves can survive in bitter and harsh climates and have strong teeth. They can bite and hold on to you, and you will never see them coming. Have you seen the movie “The Grey” starring Liam Neeson? Exactly! Now you know what I’m talking about.
Wolves are always on the hunt for their next meal, always hungry, always on edge. Do I have to spell it out for you???? What better qualities could you possibly instill in a child?
Plus everyone knows that wolves are the life of the party, can dunk a basketball viciously, and make terrific lovers. Did you see “Teen Wolf” starring Michael J. Fox? Of course you damn well did! Seriously, you people are making me sick with rage right now.
I’m so hungry I want to tear your faces off, but now is not the right time. Later will be the right time when I can stalk you mercilessly and drag you off into the night where no one will ever find your shredded and disemboweled body.
Think of the children. Think of the precious gift you will be giving them – one that will sustain them through the rest of their natural lives.
Do it for them.

Friday, May 22, 2020

Quarantine

Quarantine
Oh Quarantine

How Do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

Google Photos is the Greatest


Originally published June 8, 2015 on The Elizabethian
The following is a transcript of a Facebook conversation between David Pogge, writer for erbmagazine.com, and I:
Joshua Dudley:
Have you looked at google photos yet? it is what everyone has always wanted
I honestly don’t even know what that is.
Joshua Dudley
1)unlimited photo and video storage (ie i just put tango and cash on there)
2) super easy to use interface
I think I’ve entered a wormhole.
Joshua Dudley
3) automatically adds any photos or videos you shoot with your iphone or android
4) sorts by metadata so you can you search by places or faces
5) free
6) only shrinks things very slightly and online reviews say its near impossible to tell unless you blow it up and look closely
7) create photo albums of course
8) it also creates something like a scrapbook. pictures and videos that appear in different spots on the app to catch your eye and you can add captions
9) works exactly the same on your pc and looks the same
10) also on your pc its only a webpage not a download
Are you their sales rep?
Joshua Dudley
11) i want to be
12) you should be. I’m sold.
Joshua Dudley
12) ive been trying to extol flickr for years but its clunky and they missed a huge advantage
The only thing Google can’t do right is social media.
Joshua Dudley
13) yes . also so far there are no ads
Everything else, they’re practically Midas.
Joshua Dudley
14) can you believe i put tango and cash on there and played it and it worked?
Wait, what…?
Joshua Dudley
15) yes. thought you missed that part. not only your personal videos but any videos you may have downloaded of any sort
16) i read one article where a guy is already using it in place of his iphone photos app
17) okay if i use this verbatim for a review of it tomorrow?
Absolutely.
Joshua Dudley
18) very soon people will wonder how they lived without it. Everyone including me will be going through their old hard drives to put their old photos on there automatically indexed by date.



Google Photos came out a few days ago, and in the first day or two, I was reading as many reviews as possible to find out what people thought. Many reviews seem to get hung up on the fact that your files will get slightly compressed in exchange for unlimited storage. However, subsequent testing has proven that this change is nearly imperceptible, and the photos are fine for printing. For people shooting photos with SLR cameras, you’ll want to stick with Flickr. But really, how many of us are shooting SLR photos or printing pictures?
Of course, there is also the crowd that wastes our time by writing more articles about privacy concerns in relation to Google and other technology things of its ilk. People who continue to have concerns about privacy over the Internet should basically move to a cabin in Alaska and become an ice fisherman, because like it or not, you’re never going to fully escape tracking unless you disconnect from the Internet and use only cash.
Also, there are some “fun” features that Google Photos has, like creating a “movie” out of several of your photos and selecting the background music from numerous generic songs. The effect is hilarious and slightly early 90’s in a charming sort of way.
As hinted in this article’s title, Google Photos is pretty much the greatest thing ever, and if I had my way, everyone would know about it. However, and this is a small caveat, I can see some areas of improvement that will undoubtedly be corrected soon enough. I have not read any articles that offered the completely useless and expert analysis that you are about to get, so this “information” is completely unique and wayyyy different from the 37,000 other articles about Google Photos.
1) Sharing a photo from my phone to Facebook works but also adds some weird computer script garble.
2) Google Plus, Facebook, and Twitter are the only social media options for sharing available.
3) You can create albums which act like desktop PC folders to store photos and videos in, but you cannot create an album within an album. Nor can you share or allow others access to your albums. If Google Photos did this, they could completely annihilate Dropbox as a competitor in that space, as these are the main reasons people use Dropbox along with its ease of use and ubiquitousness.
4) You can search photos by face, but you cannot add a face to tell Google Photos to search. You have to wait for it to add to its lists of faces. As a matter of fact, you can’t edit this list of faces in any way. That would be a nice feature, unless you actually wanted that guy you hated from ten years ago to pop up right next to your mom, even though he’s only in 3 out of 5,000 photos.
5) In the previously mentioned “movies” you can create from photos, you cannot add music from your library or other sources. Probably not too many people will make and share these “movies”, but for the few who do, they will probably say “Hey, why can’t I add my own music? What are these, like, 80’s or early 90’s cell phones?”
6) Google Photos is not available for Windows Phone, which would be a huge problem, except that I’m not sure the Windows Phone actually exists. It’s the unicorn of phones. Do you know anyone that owns one?
Google Photos is available as a free app for iOS and Android and is an awesome website on a computerHappy photo adding!

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

obama

obama

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

I wrote about the new game No Mans Sky for the NY Observer. It's exciting and full of possibilities, but it's not for everyone.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Barrack Obama

He is definitely the president of these United States of America.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Is This How This Thing Works?

I'm going to go ahead and put the announcement on here. It's something that I've been feeling for a long time but I was sort of scared to say in person. Of course I'm not really saying it in person, I'm typing it, and I'm a person. What was I saying? I can't remember, because I'm engaging in an activity that stimulates my frontal cortex, namely typing without stopping to catch a breath or think of the sentence, just typing, or writing if you will.

The reason I'm writing this blog is to announce that I'm leaving New York. I don't want there to be a lot of fanfare, Lord knows no one reads this thing anyway, or at least they don't admit to. Truth be told this blog hasn't been relevant in 10 years. Honest admission, it never was. However, i've been going back and reading old articles of mine and I was pretty damn good.

There's not some complicated answer why I'm leaving. I just don't get energized by the city anymore, the energy that you're supposed to get energized by lately feels like a crowd of people moving past me and I no longer have the stamina to stay with the beat constantly. New York makes me feel tired.

Maybe its the chrohn's disease and the constant feeling of feeling drained all the time. Right now my stomach is putting on a wierd clinic of some sort and i have no idea what it's doing. I wish there was medicine for it that didn't involve things my mom would despise and make a pained face about.

Maybe its the fact that I haven't had a real girlfriend since May 1997. In fact, I'm still in love with that girl from back then and I'd say yes to her in a second if she would have me, but that is just not happening.

Regardless, we all need someone to love who loves us and I just haven't found anyone out here who can or wants to do that for me. I tried explaining this to my girlfriend from 1996/1997 and she said I need to stop focusing on it so much, that there's other kinds of love.

I still love acting but never get a chance to audition anymore and performing in plays seems like a non paying gig - something that I can't possibly afford here - the most expensive city in the world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the jaws of a thresher. Just tilled constantly and constantly and thrown about. Of course I do have an idea what that feels like since I was in a car accident several years ago where I was thrown about a few times.

Dang. I can't remember where I was going before or if I had a focus or some kind of meaning to what I was saying. I guess I just wanted to write where my heart led and I'm letting it do all the talking right now but unfortunately it doesn't always know what it wants to say at a rate fast enough for it to keep up with my fingers.

These fingers that I wear down by constantly biting the nails. I never could get over that. I'm only thinking of it because I was working with this girl last weekend and she was skinny and desperate seeming (also?) and she liked the fact that I bit my nails because she did it too and in some small way it made her feel less alone.

I think i just hit something on the head. I do feel alone. Alone. It's not a good feeling. In fact it might be the worst feeling. My mom used to describe it as wanting to sit along in the backyard and go dig for worms to eat.

Now that makes me smile. I can still smile in the midst of crisis because...well i don't know why exactly or at least i can't sum up a good solution in a few seconds and as I've stated i have to keep typing until my thoughts and fingers stop and I don't want that to happen so I will continue.

This style of writing that I'm engaging in is something that I thought of years ago in one of my many unfinished books called "Outwards" that I am pretty sure is available to view on my first website - http://www.joshdudley.tripod.com . And the idea is to do pretty much what I'm doing now. If i have to pause to catch a breath or sigh or come back to it later then the writing is done. It's as if I have written all I can do in one breath. Naturally there will be wrongly spelled words and odd turns of the phrase.

I'm reminded now of a similar game I used to play with myself when I was very young. I would ride my bike with my eyes closed and ride towards a nearby ditch and attempt to open my eyes and stop myself at the very last minute before I went into the ditch itself.

You might think thats a crazy game to play or maybe you don't remember what it's like to be 8 years old.

I wish i did. So much ahead of me.

Of course they aren't all golden memories. Even back then I knew what sadness was. I lost my grandfather when I was 5 years old and this is a story i actually wrote about before. anyway. i didn't want my dad to see my cry so i didn't go to the funeral because I know i would have cried there and I wanted my dad to see me as tough because I thought my dad was tough and maybe then he would love me more.

I guess thats what life is really all about isn't it? Wanting someone to love us more.

Love is the engine that keeps us going. Or its the fuel.

It's everything. and now i don't know what to say anymore or whether I should stop.

My stomach feels odd right now. like its a moving living organism. I wish i could make it stop doing that. I wish Jesus would heal me. I've prayed for that so many times and I know hundreds of friends and family members have too.

I wrote this piece because I wanted you to know. I don't know who "you" are anymore. I guess I just wanted to find out who still cares. Who is still out there. Keeping in mind that people who are still out there and people who check facebook regularly to see the announcement and link that I will put up there are a smaller percentage than I would like to think.

I think I've said enough.

Being that I don't have anymore to say.

The End (for now)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My grandfather is dead

i'm currently 2 hours removed from leaving the visitation for my grandfather and im feeling a lot of emotions and feel the need to share them somehow and im hoping in some wierd way writing a blog will help. 

I didnt think i would be sad when he died but i am.

he didnt ever express his love for me in many ways. He certainly never said i love you and if he had he would have put quotation marks around it im sure.

all day long my aunt was putting together information about him that she thought people should know like about what volleyball team he was on in the 70's, stuff like that.

Some family members came and they started talking about football and the new iphone as if this was any normal family event.

I guess i wanted people to sit around and tell stories about him. He was 94. There must have some story about him! Right? There had to be something.

I dont really have a story about him and i guess that's why i'm sad. Im missing the time that we didnt have together because  i never knew how to talk to him and he never picked me up from school or wanted to do anything with me as a kid or ever.

I want it to mean something. In a real way it represents my greater enui in wanting life to mean something.

Is life all about just having fun or is it about shared experiences and building memories?

lately i just feel like im building memories only for myself in new york.

If all i do is work and work and work, what the heck am i doing there? 

Thats why i went and did stand up at an open mic the other night. I really had to get some stuff out

If im just running on a treadmill in new york then i need to find a way to get off it or leave.



This is a picture of my mom and my aunt doing final preparations for his estate.