Seriously This is Hot Stuff!

Friday, February 29, 2008

I Just Wanna Be With You

I just wrote this a little bit ago. It's sorta sad and sweet. It'd be a nice song if I had some accompaniment. Oh well. I hope you like it if you're reading it. whoever you are. It's kind of how I feel sometimes about looking for love and never really knowing where it is or how to find it. I guess I just feel lost a lot of the time.

I Just Wanna Be With You

Don't mind me ill just lay here on the ground

Don't mind me I just wanna be around

I wanna know what you're doing

And I wanna do it too

I kinda think I like you

And I hope you like me too

I'll pretend to be important

I'll imagine I'm so great

I'll wait for you forever

Even if I have to stay up late

I just wanna be with you

Maybe I'll hideaway in a great big bungalow

Maybe one day I'll find out what it is they do below

I'll be under the ocean

I'll be near the sea

I'll be someplace far away

Where they'll never think of me

But I just can't run hard enough

To get away from you

I just wanna be with you

I'll take a job at the candy store

Scooping ice cream pops

I'll make the greatest magic show

And I'll pull out all the stops

I'll be the hardest worker

I'll go until I drop

How can I ever forget about you

Because you never stop

I just wanna be with you

When you talk to me it tickles

Your smile ties me in knots

Even though you're not here right now

I miss you lots and lots

I'd buy lots of things for you

Everything you want

Just please don't run away

Don't go away from me

Everything I have and more

I offer you my heart

I just wanna be with you


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Adam Sandler, Can I Please Be in Your Movie?

just wrapped up the first night of my play "Saturday with the Georges" on Saturday night where I starred as George Bush. We brought the house down. We had a lot of laughs, and so many people told me afterwards how much they enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, none of those people were people that I know. So I ask you. What is wrong with you people?

It was part of a competition at the Strawberry Festival for one acts, and we got to the semi-finals which means we'll be doing it again on Tuesday and Wednesday. 20 tickets 314 w 54th street manhattan. our first video can be viewed on their website (at least its supposed to be up now. it should be up tonight or tommorrow hopefully)

Also I had a meeting the other week with a real agent in New York who wants to use me because someone in her office saw my last play and she said I was good. Wow.

I have to get new headshots though. And I'm so broke that I'll be putting it on credit. ick. Oh well I'm thinking of it as an investment in my career which I hope isn't short lived. Thanks for all the prayers everyone.

Also I'm determined to write a new story every single week in order to finish a book. So here is my new story, it's called Can You Please Put Me in Your Movies?

Dear Adam Sandler:

I have just watched your film "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." It was awful. I have also seen "Click", "50 First Dates", "Big Daddy", "Little Nicky", "Happy Gilmore", "Mr. Deeds", "Billy Madison", "Happy Gilmore", and of course "The Waterboy".

They were of course also awful as well. However, each of these films are basically big dumb goofy fun with greatly varying amounts of dumbness, goofiness, or fun in each one, fart jokes notwithstanding.

In every single one you have a ridiculous plot device that you have to work through, like raising money to save your grandmother's house through winning golfing events, getting on the college football team that you are a water boy for, even you are severely mentally handicapped, making a woman with short term amnesia fall in love with you even though she can't remember you each day.

You have also managed to surround yourself with hot chicks and rocking 80's music in each one also, which is a testament to your prolonging your adolescence into your early 40's while making astronomical sums of money for movies which are so benign and repetitive that in an episode of South Park, Cartman disguises himself as a robot which on command spits out Adam Sandler plots which the movie executives declare will be huge successes.

I didn't initially feel the need to mention that in all of the aforementioned movies nearly all the characters are idiotic stereotypes that demean whatever people group they are intended to represent. But for your benefit, I thought I would point it out anyway in case you hadn't realized it as such.

Yes, I know you do a smattering of "serious" films and a few comedies which aren't entirely awful like "The Wedding Singer" and "Anger Management". In the first one you were saved by the presence of an actual script drove the story forward, and in the second by the enigmatic presence of Jack Nicholson himself. P.S. I do have "Reign over Me" in my Netflix queue.

But there is one thing more than anything that these films have in common – they all have the same "actors" in them. Every time I watch one of your movies and I see a character, I say to myself, "wasn't that the fat guy from Little Nicky?" or "I can't believe Adam Sandler has managed to keep Rob Schneider's career afloat all by himself."

In fact, sometimes it appears that the only reason that you do these movies other than to maintain enough of a public profile to do the next one is to hang out with your buddies all of whom don't seem to have any other acting jobs or careers other than to sit at home eating cheese doodles and waiting for the phone to ring to do your next picture.

I sort of picture them all as symbolized by Norm McDonald's character in Billy Madison where he just hung out by the pool, got drunk and high all day, and when you were at school trying to pass 1st grade through 12th grade he didn't even realize you were gone till he made a joke in your general direction and you didn't respond, causing him to turn around and utter the immortal words, "Hey where's Billy?"

I just want to state for the record that I have absolutely no problem with any of that. I would have no problem at all being just another nameless cadre in your pack of giggling buffoons who probably cannot maintain a straight face when you make another joke about queers or flatulence. It is one of my fondest wishes to be paid to goof off all day.

And I mean that. Real work is too much like work. Heck, even writing these coherent sentences is more of a chore than I would be doing if I was in your employ. Picking up the beer would probably be the most complicated task that would be required of me, and believe me; I have experience in that already so you're covered.

I would even let you beat me in poker. I mean why not – we'd be playing with your money away.

I would also order whoopee cushions on occasion and bandy about dumb remarks about any random person that I think might be entertaining.

Some people might complain that your films already have too many nameless buffoons taking up space in them, but I'm sure you have room for one more. So please Mr. Sandler, I beg of you.

Can you please put me in your movies? I'll bring the bag of flaming poop

Saturday, February 02, 2008

I'm Often Wrong About Things

Dear You,

Let me be the first to admit it.
I'm often wrong about things.

When we first met I guessed that your favorite ice cream flavor was chocolate.
It turned out to be moose tracks.

I figured you for the type that didn't like cooking.
So naturally you surprised me for my birthday with an incredible veal cutlet.

I told you that my family probably wouldn't like you.
Now they have you over for cards like once a week.

I was wrong last week when we went shopping for that dress you liked in that magazine, and I was sure they wouldn't have it in your size.
It turns out that they did.

Forgive me for suggesting that Canadian Geese would make great pets. I thought I had read it somewhere. I thought I would never get the yard clear of feathers and animal droppings. Thank God winter came early this year.

I was wrong last week when we were watching Jeopardy and on a Double Jeopardy question where the category was All Things Must Pass for $600 I guessed it was La Plaza. It turned out to be La Plaz. At least I was close.

I was really wrong when I told you that the generic version of your favorite cereal would taste almost exactly the same. As a matter of fact it was kind of lousy.

I was quite mistaken when after dropping our remote control, I told you that you wouldn't be able to put it back together again because it was so messed up.

Remember when I told you that Orange Jell-O was going to be a cinch to make from scrap? Well you can safely put that one in the pile of things that I've been wrong about.

Or how bout the time I picked up that homeless guy who wanted a ride and I suggested that it might be interesting and that we might learn something. The only thing we learned was how quickly we wanted him out of the car.

And just last week I suggested to you that because of your exotic taste that you would probably love Buttermilk. I'll give you a hint regarding who was wrong about that. It wasn't you.

In fact, before we met I had this mistaken belief that I was in fact quite right most of the time. This too has been proven false.

What I mean is
Oftentimes when I don't know something I just make a conjecture about it and no one else but you will notice how off it is.
Sometimes I talk too much or say the wrong thing and I'm glad that you cut me off to prevent my wrongheadedness from going any farther.
After meeting someone and saying what I have to say I frequently say a little too much and get myself in trouble.
You're right. Most of my opinions I should keep to myself.
I'm not really as clean as I thought. Shirts shouldn't be worn 3 days in a row without being washed for any reason.
A lot of my ideas could really use some spit and polishing that I frequently don't take the time as you do to add depth and character to them.
And you're right. I should eat more.
What I'm trying to say is really
I'm often wrong about things.
But I'm so glad that I wasn't wrong about you.