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Friday, September 16, 2005

Today's True and Exciting Story!

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Original Nintendo System plus games for sale on Ebay


I have a rather large collection of quality NES games and a complete working system from 8 years ago when I wrote video game reviews for the website http://www.allgame.com. In lieu of moving to New York, I am frantically liquidating all my old junk for use in moving expenses. Please help the cause today by purchasing my old crap.

And now on with the new story that is destined to become an instant classic and be re-told and sold on dvd at Best Buy with additional director's commentary while I eat breakfast and discuss how things on the stock market are. Riveting stuff!

My good friend In Bed by 9 makes it a habit to not be available by normal use of the telephone. Originally the telephone was invented so that by use of numerical prompting you could reach another person who also had a telephone and talk to him on the phone. Thanks to great inventions by modern science, the all new Cellphone now allows you to see when people are calling, and ignore them while you are eating your new chicken fries from Burger King. Eventually, some people who have received calls decide to call back, but a great many calls are forgotten because they were terribly unimportant and the recipient has now moved on to tweazing his nose sairs and thinking about working out.

In this case, In Bed by 9 had made tentative plans to go to "Bay Days" with his
girlfriend Used to be Cool, and myself.

It should be noted that Bay Days is one of a great many annual events in the Hampton Roads area that center around selling hot dogs for five dollars, exceptionally long walks from where you have parked at, and old people selling crafts and staring at you blankly wondering why in the dickens you don't purchase their hand crafted wooden paddle duck.

I had been sitting around the house for about an hour, doing things that are relatively similar to what I'm doing right now when the phone call from In Bed by 9 came informing me that he was already on the way to Bay Days with Used to Be Cool in tow and that I should call Used to Be Cool's best friend En Route to Germany and pick her up because she doesn't want to ride by herself. Clearly I figured we were all going to ride together since it costs like 10 dollars to drive anywhere and back now but In Bed by 9 has a bad habit of ignoring important things like waiting for people or showing common courtesy and respect so I shouldn't have been surprised when I was given the shaft.

I'm always game for any situation that doesn't involve being held up at gunpoint by midgets with brownies so I met En Route to Germany at our friendly local Sonics which coincidentally has the best Corn Dogs in the world for only 99 cents. I found her parked in a giant Silver Ford truck and reading the Wall Street Journal happily to herself. I might have been better off If I had missed her or run out of gas on the side of the road somewhere, but then I wouldn't have this story to tell.

Our initial foray into my car resulted in forced conversation without many follow up questions. I learned that she
A)wanted to move to Luxembourg to work at a bank
B)enjoys reading the Wall Street Journal for fun and pretending like it is schoolwork.
C)is scared of the dark and going places by herself
D)is a business major
E)is easily embarassed

I put in a Moby cd "18" hoping to ease the mood, and she promptly told me that she had only heard Moby on the radio before so this was nice. It was also good for me, because it gave me the hint right away that she didn't care about music that much and would probably prefer needlepoint. I changed it to Jeff Buckley, and she had never heard of him either and was incapable of commenting on my story of how he drowned in the Mississippi River when he went for a swim. I told her he influenced all sorts of preening high voice acts of today like Muse. After she told me she had never heard of Muse either, she went out of her way to say that She hoped that I didn't think she was dumb because she had never heard of anyone who had ever made a record before. "That's silly", I told her, after all I only thought she was kind of boring at that point, not dumb.

We managed to park only like 15 blocks away from Bay Days underneath an overpass and had a long walk there talking about our surroundings such as the people walking by, how nice the weather was, and how big the houses were. Clearly if one were to find out anything about this girl they would have to use a crowbar to pry the information out of her.

We started to walk through the Bay Days rides area which consisted of your classic carny rides like the tilt-a-whirl, the Big slide, and the waste of time. After traveling a little ways we ran into a mass of people in front of a concert staging area. A guy started talking so I told her I wanted to wait and see who it was. The next thing I heard was a voice announcing, "Here he is folks, Rock and Roll of Fame living legend, Bo Diddly!"

"Seriously", I told her. "Let's check this guy out. I've heard he's okay." He was actually featured in my new free Rolling Stone magazine this month, complaining about how Elvis got rich off black people's music, which was funny because later in the concert he had a song honoring music legends, and Elvis was among them.

After wasting a lot of time trying to find my friends while standing in line for 20 minutes to buy a 5 dollar corn dog we were finally all assembled in the Bo Diddly concert. Everything was going great. I was enjoying the concert, my friends were being lovey dovey, and En Route to Germany had her arms crossed, always a good sign that you have no idea what to do with yourself, much less your arms. You could throw them up in the air and act like you just don't care, but the bottom line unfortunately is that you do care a little bit. Actually Miss Germany seemed to care a lot and it probably took 5 Rockin out songs to get her loosened up just a little bit. In fact there was this one song where Bo Diddly was reciting rock and roll legends where she actually talked to me during the show! She asked if I thought in the future someone like Blink 182 would make up a song and talk about rock legends from our time like No Doubt, Coldplay, U2, Nirvana, etc. I told her I wasn't sure about that. It seemed like the safest way to go since she was trying to be friendly.

Everything was going great until we ran into the incredible staring guy. We had managed to get seated on the lawn only about 25 feet from the stage when this 30 something dude with crazy eyes and a plaid shirt kept giving my group askance glances. We all tried to ignore it at first, but it just kept getting stranger and stranger. He would turn and not quite look me in the eye and I would have to move my face quickly to avoid any direct eye contact. Then it seemed like he was checking out Used to Be Cool. En Route to Germany freeked out and was moving behind all of us any time this guy would glance in her direction. I'm surprised she didn't scream, as skittish as she was and as wierd as the guy was. Finally in the coup de gras he turned his whole body and seemed to be eyeing me almost directly for a full minute. It was the most awkward thing of all time and we departed soon after, hoping the guy wasn't packing and that he wouldn't race ahead of us and show up in the back seat of our cars or anything. He really could have easily been a character from I Know What you Did Last Summer when you was Messing Around Girlfriend!

We walked our friends back to their car who said they would meet us at Cheddars. We would have liked to have done that, except they didn't give us a ride back to our car, even though they knew we were parked like a mile away. This meant that I now had to endure the long walk back with En Route to Germany with absolutely nothing to talk about now at all. Fortunately the silence was broken by some black kids who said something to her and she turned to me shocked and said, "They were making rude comments about my posterior!" Not knowing what to say I told her that I guessed that what was what they do. It turns out that I'm grateful that she didn't ask me if she has a big posterior, because then I would have had to lie and I hate that.

More silence followed, and as we were about halfway back she told me that I was kind of quiet. I told her that I had already asked her where she worked, came from, lived, went to school, and the usual and that If I did that again I would look dumb. Clinging desperately onto any bait she could find she told me to go ahead. So I asked her where she was going to school, and she laughed which again left me with nothing to say thereafter, except to occasionally comment on my surroundings.

Because we took so long getting back to my car, and driving through slow traffic, In Bed by 9 and Used to Be Cool were already on the way home. It's too bad, because I definately needed some help in cracking this case.

So it will have to be filed under unsolved mysteries.

Tune in next time when I say,"Look out below!"