Seriously This is Hot Stuff!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Josh goes to the movies!

Actually, I haven't been to many movies since moving to New York City, but I can still give you a great idea of whatever it is you're going to see this week when you go TO THE MOVIES!!!!

Over the Hedge: Dreamworks can do no wrong, and talking animals in CGI are red hot right now for some reason. Madagascar sucked but over the Hedge is clearly a fun movie. This is a date movie for guys who have girls who enjoy being a kid at heart. There's probably a fierce battle with the next door neighbor with the hedge clippers and the animals probably stage some desparate rescue of some trapped animal and make wisecracks along the way and chances are one of the animals is scared but one is a hero and convinces the others to come along with. Look, this is a funny movie if you can handle cartoon movies. If you can't, then you didn't need me to tell you to stay away.

The DaVinci Code: DID YOU CRACK THE CODE YET!!!! Movies that feature religious themes and deep dark hidden secrets are usually great movie fodder, and they always feature helpless Catholic priests fighting against evil, always played by other Catholic priests who try to keep their secret hidden, or they exorcising demons or something like that. Tom Hanks is the man of course, and he will bring a world weariness to this role and a very bad haircut. Audrey Tatou is hot as anyone who has seen Amelie already knows. Ian Mckellen is a great villain. Duh. Have you seen him in X-Men or Gods and Monsters? This man knows how to bring the pain.
Bottom Line: A fun movie that will bring people swarming into church to ask their pastor questions about their faith. Churchgoers everywhere are shaking their heads, unless they are Democrats and then they are talking equality of beliefs. So, go see the movie anyway.

See No Evil: This movie stars the wrestler named Kane of the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) unfortunately he does not bodyslam or chokeslam anyone. What he does, and I can say this confidently from watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is chase down helpless Teenagers or College Age Kids who wandered who got lost in a small town while on their way to Florida to party it up and have sex. None of that will be happening for them, as Kane will viciously slaughter them with an assortment of farm equipment. Do you like blood and bad plots and worse one liners, and good looking young stars who scream and wonder what's going on a lot? If so, then you will like this movie. Everyone else will laugh at it and rent Spongebob Squarepants the movie instead.

X-Men 3: The original director of this movie bailed on the project to take on something he liked more for obviously less money, because believe me, this thing is going to make a killing. Of course, the special effects cost a lot so it needs to. Who will watch this movie? Almost everyone it has great actors (Ian Mckellen, Captain Picard, and Wolverine), great fight scenes, and dramatic importance and sweeping grandeur and lots of things blowing up and being hurled everywhere. I didn't realize that every X-Men story had to involve the government, but who cares, go this stupid movie and enjoy yourself.

Akeelah and the Bee: Laurence Fishburn does his Matrix-like mentor thing helping a young girl from the inner city overcome the struggles of being black and wanting to win a spelling bee. This is an actual good drama with themes of overcoming your circumstances and being all you can be. There will be tears and hugs and eventually a winner of a spelling bee. If you like a good cry, and a good story then Akeelah and the Bee is for you.

An American Haunting: Who doesn't love a good ghost story, especially one that has Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spasek acting scared out of their wits and trying to pull it together. I love the fact that it's a period piece too, because it adds more scares when there aren't a lot of neighbors nearby for support and of course no electricity. Scary. Scary movie. Special effects, probably not much gore, and chances are there's a catholic priest and some crosses thrown in also. I would watch this movie but its not for everyone, because it's clearly just not that great, or else I would have heard more about it.

Just My Luck: I'm embarassed how far Lindsay Lohan's boobs have taken her young career. Sadly, they won't take her too much further before she descends into doing bad television (see the Ghost Whisperer) where boobs and no acting ability have a much longer shelf life. I don't want to explain the plot of this one, except to say that it doesn't make sense and has disgusting sight gags. Lindsay Lohan is in nearly every scene which is enough to make frat boys who have had posters of her for many years (she's how old now...) go watch it anyway. Also her young fans who are quickly dissapearing and growing up will watch it also. The end is near for Lindsay Lohan. She needs a famous boyfriend and fast.

Mission Impossible 3: See my X-Men review minus the superpowers. Pretty much the same thing. Lots of spills, chills, sweat, excitement (the pulse gripping kind) and popcorn. Tom Cruise is now seen as a freak show but as he long as he turns out crap this he will stay on the top of the heap. Watch it.

Poseidon: A disaster movie that is truly a disaster. Kurt Russell plays the captain of the sinking ship in what I would have to call a "workmanlike" performance. People scream, some of them are rescued, and there's lots of water being thrown around in what will otherwise be a completely forgettable movie that will be shown on local television on Saturday afternoons 3 years from now all the time. This could have been filmed in the 70's and released now and no one would know the difference.

Scary Movie 4: Over the top sight gags, Leslie Nielson is really old but still funny, and they make fun of every scary movie of the last 2 years. The jokes are all retreads and very dumb, but you will laugh anyway. Only see it if you are prepared to completely humiliate yourself.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

the end of the marathon running story

I didn't really meet this guy, but I wish I did.

Welcome back true believers. This morning I wrote a blog story on myspace about how I was woken up by a mouse and I already got 14 people to view it and it got me thinking about the future of this blog. Clearly I'm at a crossroads because of the lack of readership, and of course some of my readers are not on myspace to bear witness to my clever way with words.

What to do? What to do? I've been kicking around the idea of turning this blog into sort of a commentary on pop culture blog which if you've ever talked to me is really my speciality and moving my great stories to myspace.

I need all my fans out there to leave a comment about what they think about that in the next week, seriously. I mean that.

Also, I'd toyed with the idea of not actually finishing the epic tale of my first large non union production because I didn't find it terribly interesting and now of course that I'm about to finish it, it will probably seem anticlimatic, but let's face it - it's hard to deal with the marketing power of lazy people to click on blogs that come into their myspace blog list or to click on their friend's face. I get 3 times as many myspace emails now as regular emails. Admit it, you do too don't you.

It's pretty clear to me that myspace and other social networking sites are clearly the future of communication and will only grow more popular as more and more people join while fewer and fewer people actually leave. About a year ago there was a stigma about being in your 30's and being on myspace. That stigma no longer exists, and people are growing more comfortable with their age and having people on their friend's list that aren't neccessarily in their traditional age category. It seems that sharing common interests in books, movies, and music and being able to share blogs about what you can't stand is more important in relationship buiilding than being born within a few years of someone.

This should have been obvious to people so I'm surprised it's taken this long to catch on to this level.

Anyway, now it feels like that was a little preview of what I possibly had planned for this blog so now I'll finish the "running" story and people can say which part they liked better.

Let's see...

Where was I?>.....

Oh yeah.

It was very cold that morning and I wasn't sure how I felt wearing a yellow tank top and red shorts that I bought from K-Mart. Fortunately, walking and running everywhere in New York has kept me fit so I wasn't worried that my arms would look too puny to any prospective ladies that might want to chat me up due to my cute face and easygoing straightforward manner.

Fortunately the pick of the litter of the women out that fine morning seemed to be a little rough. There was the 85 pound toothpick of a black woman with nappy hair, and blues brother's sunglasses who kept talking to people and making them uncomfortable, looked as if she would die if someone ran into her, and was clearly there for the free meals and the crack money.

There was also some california beach babes that would be not complete if they didn't have large breasts, styled hair, gucci bags, rock star boyfriends traveling with them, and that little dog that does Taco Bell ads and really likes gorditas. If they were talking loudly about something other than Nick Lachay and sex jokes and drinking all day then maybe I would have cared more.

On a side note, I finally got to hear Nick Lachay sing last night and it turns that he's really an average singer with really banal uninteresting lyrics and probably most of his popularity came from his chiseled jaw and granite like abs and his uncanny ability to shake his bon-bon.

So we spread out in the middle of a blocked off section of road at 7 in the morning, and ran between 23rd street and 24th street several times in the relative cold air while people complained about the weather.

I had by now split up with my sports trivia loving black friend who was lazy and preferred to play a spectator all day. I naturally preferred to run myself ragged with no water all day for the exact same pay while my feet hurt. Guess who made the right choice?

Through complaining to other people about our rough treatment at the hands of our captors and grumbling about the lack of water and clear direction I was able to make "friends" throughout the day who I could acknowledge with a knowing nod every time I would hear them grunt or groan or wipe sweat off their headband.

I didn't really talk to the crack addicts, the porn stars, or any of the people who didn't get the memo that this was a commercial set and actually showed up looking like a ripped to shreds marathon runner on steroids. I don't know if I would actually want legs like tree trunks, but this guy sure did.

I thought it was funny when the real runner type guys kept flexing and stretching before each run like we were doing some real long distance endurance type stuff that would actually require some real preparation. I bet they were giving out GNC tips on set that day in between not breaking a sweat at all.

The only other two events to break up the monotony of being cold, and then hot and having differing directions shouted at me by at least 5 different people all day were 2 key events that really stood out in my mind as being emblematic of that day somehow.

1) At one point the running had moved onto the sidewalk, right in front of this souvenir stand run by this big time Trannsylvanian looking guy with giant mutton chops and one eyebrow. While we were running up and down the sidewalk for an hour straight, he would just stand out there, seemingly oblivious to the fact that farely soon there would be approximately 60 people dashing past him for an unknown goal. He had his arms folded and wore a scowl and looked like he hoped we would leave since he must have thought we were stealing his business, since about 100 tour buses with cameras flashing passed us that day, I guess his argument must have some merit.

The sidewalk running was going on without incident (minus the grumbling) until this really hairy bohemian looking guy who appeared as if he was straight out of a movie about gangs in new jersey in the 70's ran right into the store owner and almost started a fight with him. The cops separated them later without incident. They must have been used to dealing with shoving matches resulting from spectators getting hit by large crowds of people running on the sidewalk before and displayed their strong leadership skills in letting him go.

2) At about 3:30, the heat was starting to get to everyone and considering the fact that we had been there since 4 in the morning, that plus fatigue was starting to be an issue, so it should have come as no surprise to anyone when one of the marathon runners dropped like a rock and had to helped up. Water and soft drinks were quickly brought out. I guess they just forgot that the body goes through liquids in 90 degree weather fairly quickly. It was an honest mistake so I guess I can forgive them.

After lasting from 4 in the morning till 6:30 at night, one of my new friends summed the day up with this catchy phrase "Never again in life." I think that about sums it up. I'm looking every day for my hundred and fifty dollars in the mail.

Monday, May 08, 2006

My Day as a Marathon Runner part 1.

This is me now. I've been working out.
and i joined the military on weekends
without telling anyone. and i decided
to get a nasty tattoo.

Saturday was my first day ever as an extra in a commercial with 500 other people. I got the notice from an email casting service that sends me scads of emails every day. Normally they're for specific categories like

African-American Female 20-25 needed for one day model shoot. Horseriding skills preferred. Also must speak spanish.

My acting chops are pretty good, but I don't know if I could pass for that. I mean, I'm no Felicity Huffman but I am pretty hot.

So this notice came in for something that I thought I could do -

Americans between 25 and 60 needed for Bacardi commercial. Must be in reasonably good shape and own a tank top and shorts.

This sounded plausible, of course I did have to buy a tank top, but K-mart was nearby, and they do have everything an actor needs there, like low priced shoes and ho-ho's at the checkout aisle.

So there I was lined up with 300 other people at 4 in the morning in front of an old cathedral which seemed strangely out of place for the drunken surroundings.

I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 2:45 to get there at that time. I was thinking that it was pretty early for a Saturday morning and then as soon as I got outside I remembered "Oh yeah, I'm in the East Village and everyone is still up and running around drunk and hailing cabs"

The email I got said the first 100 people get in and it looked like there was more than that already so I figured I might have been out of luck. Why for the love of God couldn't I have got up at 2:35?

But then I got to the front of the line and my name was on the list so everything was okay and soon I was eating tons of cheap breakfest food like eggo waffles, pastry strudels, and dozens of McDonalds like generic fried eggs that were all uniform somehow.

The waiting area looked like a segment from Oz as hundreds of "urban" types were all decked out in their Hilfigers, hairbands, and Ho girlfriends with the requisite boob jobs. So I decided to wait outside with this black guy I was talking to who apparently hadn't kept up with sports for years and asked me 20 questions about what Kevin Garnett was doing and what Derek Jeter's batting average was (and yes I knew the answers).

After sitting outside dispensing sports trivia for over an hour, I decided to go inside and see if anything was ever going to happen. The natives were growing restless and I had been busy doing nothing for over an hour. There were several people running around giving crowd shouting general directions like "remember you're all playing runners." So I figured they were in charge. At the time I had been holding trash from the breakfast that they so graciously provided for me and the other crack whores that made it out and I was wondering how long should I go on holding to it so I asked one of the yelling people were the trash was. One of them pointed behind myself to the receptacle. Then I tried to ingratiate myself with an hysterical woman with a microphone.

You would have thought that I would have learned something from my wedding adventure, but alas I did not. Stupidity runs deep.

So here's me - while looking at my watch I noticed that it was 5:10. So I ask her, "Do you think we'll be shooting by 6?"

This threw off a red flag and I was instantly vaporized and sent off to another dimension of pain. Well it felt like that. What actually happened was that she looked at me and said, "Okay you're done asking questions for the day."

It was one of my favorite "I'm the big director and you're a peon that I could squash" moments like ever.

Sometime later, and I mean much later, we were lined up outside and several different people were shouting things at us like "Remember you're a runner" and "Like maybe you guys should be scattered because like it's supposed to be the middle of the race."

This story will be continued tommorrow or the next day. I'm too tired to work on it any more and it was getting all Homeric and stuff. In other words long, but I know everyone loves that.

And when I say everyone I specifically mean the people that read this thing, which can't be but like 7 different people I think.

Goodnight all.

Goodnight moon.


okay I said it.

now deal with it.

more on the story later.

for real!