How to Get People Mad at You

For starters, you could try being me for a day. It's not easy. Because I usually keep my opinions to myself, and I am perceived as being smart, I'm usually seen as snotty and arrogant. When I level my stunning insight on people after being a little "hot under the drainpipe" people gape wondering how I could have possibly just said that...."OH SHE IS NOT THAT FAT. JOSH YOU ARE WORSE THAN PRESIDENTE BUSH THE WORST WAR CRIMINAL OF OUR TIMES!"

I've noticed that people hate me indiscriminately for usually what I think is almost no reason at all. Most people who are around for me any length of time at all know that I love nothing better than filling up empty space in the air with the sound of my voice assuming there are other people around to hear it. My voice will usually be telling you something smart and funny that you were unable to think of yourself. That is what you invited me along for, so I can't help but feel flattered. Also, my voice will sometimes be making an incredibly insightful comment that I can't help but feel is entirely necessary to drop on the world. Almost everyone always loves these comments, because they add to the general feeling of well being that I help pervade in the world at large.

Despite all this, it has been discovered by myself very recently, even as far back as on Saturday that some people at Chanello's hate my guts, despite the fact that I consciously choose to say almost nothing there because I don't think the people working there for the most part would dig my jibe at all. I've been sort of low-keying it, just collecting my money and getting out of there. Unfortunately, I've had to engage in a little bit of the activity that is sure to arouse the ire of people with low intelligence and no humor glands - I've been talking.

I discovered this on Saturday when one of the managers with a potato shaped head and a perpetually drooping jowl said she needed to talk to me. She asked me what the deal was and I not being aware of any deals pending responded that I was completely unaware of the deal that was going down. The deal in fact, had me by the throat. She then asked me some questions, that if I related them to you the readers in a straightforward manner right now, they would make no sense unless I gave you the backstory. So instead of all that rigmarole, I've decided to just list the litany of my so-called offenses.

1)Some guy called on the telephone and said he had a coupon for some ridiculous price on pizza and chips that I'd never heard of. So I put Bruce the manager on the phone, who okayed it, and then I committed the cardinal sin of saying, "Really? We have that for that like 8 dollars?" Chanello's management is apparently paranoid about morale at the store due to the large turnover ratio and the fact that the place sucks. Bruce somehow thought I was questioning his management abilities in selling a product for that low, which means that I make slightly less money off it then I would for the already ridiculously cheap price. So despite the fact that I hardly talk at all while I'm there, they think I ask "too many questions."

2)Usually when an order comes in, I don't know how to get to the road that the customer lives on. This is due to the fact that even in a small area of a city there are like half a bazillion roads and nobody really knows where they all come from or why. One thing is certain, you can drive on them. That part I'm sure of. And also, there will be an annoying Chanello's driver that will try to give you directions to this road if he sees you so much as pick up a map that is sitting on the counter. This despite the fact that I like looking up the roads myself, because what usually happens is that the guy giving directions will invariably start on some road that I'm not familiar with and direct me to another road that I've never heard of. Now, since I don't know how to get to the first one, the odds of me getting to the second one are even worse. Since I already know that if I ask this guy how to get to the first road, I will be looked at as a nuisance for asking too many questions, I mask my general panic by giving him exactly what I know he wants to hear, a friendly pat on the back and a sincere word of thanks for changing my life for the better and teaching me how to fish instead of buying me that fish today for like a dollar. I could have spent like 30 bucks learning to fish, but he showed me for free!!!!
Unfortunately, the driver will see me looking up the place on the map that he just told me how to get to, and will think that I'm the biggest jerk in the world for completely ignoring what he just told me and trying to see it for myself. What the crap was I thinking? I'm such an idiot! Gosh.

3) For whatever reason, cheap pizza, cheap tippers, and hordes of ghetto apartment dwellers that would be blaming Bush right now if they had lived in New Orleans seem to go together. For that reason, a lot of my deliveries are made to apartments almost right behind the store. So when I saw that my next delivery at the time that I was reading the ticket while working in the store was for a location that actually required me to go to unknown vistas a few miles away, I remarked that it was kind of far. I forgot about the paranoia factor of ownership which would cause them to think that I was grousing about the fact that I had drive a long way to deliver that pizza, and that it wasn't worth my time. As a matter of fact, my complete thought was that this delivery was farther than going a few blocks behind the store, and so it is relatively farther than I normally go. I wasn't complaining. I could care less where I deliver to. I don't even count my money at the end of the night anymore. I just sort of assume that I'm leaving with more than I came in with

So there you have it. Proof that I'm worthless scum, and even the smallest of my utterances can land me in hot water up to my ankles. If it's this tough at Chanello's , how the heck am I going to hold a job in New York City?