Stories from Conversations that Never Really Happened

Setting: A squalid farmhouse built with inheritance money by a black man that had proven to be an illegitimate heir of Abraham Lincoln and was given a small pension to just go away.

Characters: A traveling salesman named Ray, and Esther the housewife.

(A knock on the door)
(The door is opened)
Esther(with a bemused look on her face): Kin I help yu?

Ray(stepping through the front door and opening his suitcase): Why yes you can maam. Can you show me to the fireplace?

Esther: We don't use that no more.

Ray: Maam, I understand that a lot of poor farmers are replacing the inconvenience of building a fire in the winter with more modern conveniences like gas furnaces, but until we all get these so called "gas furnaces" running in our house, we'll all still need to use the fireplace in the winter, and when we do that the fireplace gets dirty. Maam I have a product which will absolutely change your life. No, dare I say it, it will revolutionize your life.

Esther: Whatever you say suh.

Ray: Man I say whatever I please, and I generally get away with it because of my exquisite moustache. See, isn't that fine? Would you like to give it a twirl?

Esther: That shorely is a nice moustache Mr...

Ray: Ray. Ray Cobb, traveling salesman. At your service maam. I provide every kind of modern convenience that a poor desolate housewife such as yourself desparately needs, but doesn't even realize it.

Esther: Why I do declare!

Ray: Maam you will be declaring every day after you see how my fireplace magic solution cleans the dirt right off your fireplace from under your very nose. Now about that fireplace...

Esther: Well okay.

They go to the fireplace.

Ray: Maam what in blazes am I looking at?

Esther: That's our fireplace, it burnt down years ago after the ol' wompus of 25' We just use blankets to keep warm in the winter now.

Ray: Why that is the most peculiar thing that I think I have ever heard. Just you wait right there while I go to my car and get the most luxurious blanket that you have ever seen in your dear life for only a nickel.