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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sorry for the Mess

I haven't really been able to do a proper blog since I left whenever it was. Like I said before, it has been a whirlwind of activity, mostly related to spending money, I will readily admit, but not really that much.

I have a lot to talk about, and only a little time before church so I'll just say this, securing an apartment in Brooklyn in a Jewish neighborhood and getting a room with Mario, I'm pretty psyched. Oh yeah, also Mario has "friends" in the catering industry and he's called them already to let them know that I'll be contacting them. He told me that Winter was coming up and that I would be out of luck if I didn't jump on this now. Then he admonished me to "not fart around with this." Basically I'm being gifted a job at 20 dollars an hour doing catering it sounds like, assuming I don't screw up. I'll get the list of names from him monday when I pay all the money, and then I will call them right away and hope that I can still audition for a commercial in D.C. on tuesday for a department store.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

What Day is This?

I've been so busy. Okay, mostly sleeping hanging out with good friends and going to clubs, but still busy. I do have an apartment in Brooklyn with 2 older singled Italian guys, assuming I can scrape together 1550 by Monday afternoon.

My friend just came over we're going costume party shopping.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Taking a bite out of the Big Apple

Hey everybody. I'm sure you want to know that I got to my friend's house safely after having a beer in Richmond and driving until 9 o clock in the morning.

I watched a little bit of VH1's classic music videos, said I wasn't really that tired anymore, then fell right asleep and woke up during the time traveling bit of Napoleon Dynamite. Lafonda looks really hot when you're tired.

And I still love technology.

I'm going to a show in Brooklyn today with my friend slacker superstar and oh yeah checking out 2 apartment shares also.

I'm taking a shower right after this. I knew you would all want me to be clean to make a good first impression.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Final Reflections

This has been a time of great heartache and turmoil. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I've been attached to this ridiculous little burg called Hampton Roads for so long that it feels like I'm ripping myself apart to leave.

It still doesn't seem real.

Every little knick knack on my shelf, every article of clothing, every nuance of my room is so familiar to me that to say goodbye to it is like putting down a much loved family pet that has been around for so many years that you can't imagine life without it.

I don't know what I feel right now. Sadness? Longing? Confusion?

I'm sure putting my trust in God. I put out my sheepskin a long time ago, and it was wet the next day. Still, I did nothing.

It took me a very long time to put out a wet sheepskin and see it totally dry in the morning.

My parents and some friends of the family prayed over me today, and my mom cried and said she felt like Hannah at the temple leaving her son in God's hands. I cried too because she cares about me so deeply. Who will she fix herbs for? Who will she put out broccoli for now? My dad won't eat that stuff.

They can barely turn on the computer without me.

I'm reminded of the "lifeboat" test where you must choose between saving your mother, or saving your wife.

There's so much that I need to do while I still have time.

Life is just too short, and I've wasted so much of it.

I'm gonna run with this damn baton until I get to the finish line.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Packing and Other Important Reflections on the Day

A few days ago, I was involved heavily in my normal post work activity of checking my email, thinking important thoughts about things I have yet to do yet but not actually doing them, and playing video games and pretending like I was in the middle of packing when I hear my mom coming up the stairs when my parents were discussing their work plans for the next few days, since apparently my brother, who works for my dad in overseeing the day to day functions of a moderately successful homebuilding enterprise is in Florida for a wedding till Tuesday, or as I call it "The day after the new hurricane destroys everything."

At the time I was heavily sedated and comatose from a large variety of Toxic level painkillers when I agreed to work with my dad for the next few days, knowing upfront that this would require a large expenditure of my time which is growing short, and that I would be paid a little bit more than I am worth out of a perpetual sense of guilt for bad parenting.

We were driving together today in the new truck at relatively high speeds in the rain and following way too closely to other cars ahead of us in the highway system when my dad's phone would ring and he would continue to drive while talking on his cell phone, and looking for stuff on the floor at the same time. If I took any one of you and put you in that situation, chances are that you would hyperventilate since there would be very little you could do in that situation with my father, the homicidal driver, at the wheel of a large automobile in dangerous road conditions.

After driving to several job sites, and discussing building plans with several subcontractors, we eventually made our way to McDonalds, since being your own boss comes with the perk of being able to eat out any time that you are free. I bought a newspaper and settled on reading several stories which irked me right away that I was elaborating on discussing at length in a later blog, and which I still might.

The first story was about how residents of Kingsmill, a notoriously snooty private community in an already notoriously snooty city (Williamsburg) are vigorously opposed to a 180 foot cell phone tower that Verizon would like to place in their community. They basically just think that their property values would go down, and for that, which is all important in their life, it is worth sacrificing the convenience of cell phones, since for many residents of Kingsmill it is notoriously difficult to get calls out on a cellular phone device. Shut up, get out of my face, and let technology do it's thing. You're only slowing down progress by being so selfish.

I was also mildly worked up by the letters page of all things by all the people writing letters about Intelligent Design, which is from what I understand it to be, Creationism, taught without the perspective of the Christian God as we know it. The tone of the letters was that Intelligent Design proponents are idiots and not worth their breath to comment on. Despite all that, they did so anyway, to my gracious chagrin. They sound like atheists, who predominantly feel that anyone who believes in the Bible as fact has the intelligence level of a child, and is therefore unworthy of conversation or debate. Needless to say, this is highly sanctimonious and those people need to come out of their ivory towers and eat at Burger King with the rest of us.

My God, how much stuff could I have in my room to throw away. EEEE.

I still have to go an acting seminar tonight till 11 o clock in Virginia Beach, and tommorrow morning at 9 am, and hang out with 2 groups of friends tommorrow and leave on Sunday after my sister gets into town with her new boyfriend, possible pre-fiance. Uggh.

I may not make it in time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Sorry to break the silence here, but I recognize a silent protest when I see one. You guys were all saying the same thing, "Josh it's been too long since your last blog. The last time that we mentioned to you that it had been too long since your last blog you acted all whiny and made us want to consider turning away in embarrassment. Clearly we are expecting better behavior from you this time in the hopes that you have learned. Oh yeah, and would you mind spell checking and proof reading your work, because that really bothers us."

I'm taking these comments into serious consideration, and I almost had the idea to write nothing at all before I went and just disapear like a ghost just like Bilbo Baggins did on his eleventy first birthday.

However, I also understand the hunger for more and new and better material. I would be more than happy to oblige if I had any. It almost seems like nonfeasance to write nothing until Wednesday, even though I've been doing next to nothing since my going away party blowout. I suppose I'll have to report on that.

The Party

The party has come and gone, and I must say that I couldn't be more pleased really. I invited a huge number of people, but only a large number of people came. I suppose this is for the best, as I was never without something to eat or people that I liked to talk to. I suppose this is the synthesis of a real party - things to eat, people to talk to.

I made nametags for everyone that had their name on it, as well as a topic of conversation for people who didn't know them to ask about. When large gatherings of people happen, there are invariably some people who aren't acquainted with everyone, so I wanted to alleviate some pressure off people by letting them know who the people were around them and to give them a topic to talk about. I find that most people just need to get out that first sentence or two to a new person to get started talking to them in fun conversation. I was just trying to help facilitate that. I think it worked out really well.

There was plenty of food for everyone, and i took a picture of each of the guests, and did a video interview as well. Dvd copies of the party will be available soon. Just contact me for that.

Later after all the regular guests had left, several people from my church showed up and blew me with away with a cake with Chris Jericho on it (from the guys) and a card with personalized confetti and a toothbrush with my name on it in case I get amnesia in New York. Oh yeah, that was definitely a girl's touch on the confetti. It was very nice. It couldn't have been cuter as a matter of fact.

Then we played some heavy-duty guys against girls trivial pursuit. Everyone was really into it. It was full of laughs, thrills, and spills kind of like Water Country U.S.A. Which reminds me. I've always wondered how you are supposed to end a sentence when the last word of that sentence ends in a period. Can you really end a sentence on Water Country U.S.A. with a period? Wouldn't two periods in a row look really strange, you know, kind of like that crew cut that K.D. Lang used to have.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I can't believe the news today - part 3

U.S. News and World Report, another magazine that I have a free lifetime subscription to, devoted like 6 pages to teens having sex. The focus of the article was on abstinence based education verus traditional sex education.

I can never quite understand why these classes are so hard to teach. I could teach them. Let's see, where to start oh yeah, let me lay it for you.

1)You teenagers shouldn't be having sex because it means there is a good chance that you could produce a child out of wedlock which studies have shown has a much lower chance to be a normal producing member of society than if he had been born into a family with a mother and father. I had to include the definition of marriage for any gay lovers reading this.

2)If you are dumb enough to have sex anyway, use a rubber, or that morning after pill thing I hear about. Yes, I'm sorry that your girlfriend is hot and you have trouble keeping your hands off her.

3)Sticking it somewhere can produce diseases which are gross.

4)You don't want to be gross do you?

5)That'll be 500 bucks, thanks for attending the 25 part class to learn all this important information.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Chicken Soup for the Blogging Soul

Marty was outside raking leaves in his front yard when the call came. "Marty come quick, something's wrong!" his wife Sarah yelled from across the way. A shiver ran down his spine, and Marty dropped the rake, almost tripping it over it as he ran towards the house. He'd never heard his wife sound so traumatized before. A thousand thoughts went through his head all at once. "My son has been kidnapped, and those are the kidnappers on the phone demanding money", he thought. All manner of irrational fears that had been drummed into his head by television and movies played out as horror scenarios flashed through his mind.

He burst into the house, slamming the door behind him. "Honey what's the matter? What is it?" he demanded. His demands quickly felt a warm hug attack him as a tearful Sarah came over to him and whispered, "Your father fell off the roof while he was trimming those tall apple trees of his. The doctors don't know how long he has to live."

"No. Not dad. Not now", Marty pleaded between sobs. "He doesn't know the Lord", came his thoughts. "Why have I been so afraid to share the Gospel with him? Maybe it's too late."

Marty's father Richard used to tease his wife and son about their religion, asking them why they bothered going to church on Sunday when there was so much work to be done on the farm that morning.

Richard and his wife Dot had adopted a young Chinese girl about a year ago who was found abandoned in the Hunan Province of China. Dot's church had a missionary from China speak who told them about all the children left without a home in China because of the Communist oppression. It so touched Dot's heart that she put a bug in her husband's ear who eventually relented saying that "It might be fun to have a youngster around here helping with chores again."

As soon as they adopted little Xiu, Richard was a changed man, helping to teach her English, and playing games with her constantly. Sometimes Dot would look over and just shake her head in amazement.

Everything seemed to be going so well, until one day, Dot was driving home from town with groceries when she was struck violently and killed by a drunk driver. Richard was inconsolable after that, and Marty never knew quite what to say to him anymore, so he just sort of left him alone.

Marty and Sarah drove to the hospital in silence not really knowing what they could do, except to pray. The doctor led them to room 122 where Richard lay in bed asleep with bandages over his head. As they tromped over to his prostrate form, Xiu came out of her seat and ran over and hugged them. It was a nice moment, and the commotion woke up Richard briefly who motioned to Marty to come over.

"I'm okay", he whispered in Marty's ear.
"But dad", Marty cut in, "You've got bandages all over, and the doctor's said they were going to do their best."
"I don't mean up here son", Richard said tapping his forehead, "I mean in here," he said putting his hand over his heart. "Right after Mom died, I just about wanted to kill myself. Well, I thought that for about 5 seconds, that little girl over there in Sarah's arms really saved my life. It was hard to feel sad for myself when she gave me so much love and didn't ask for much in return. And since Dot was taking her to church, I felt it was only right that I do the same. I only live 5 minutes away, so I figured it was okay to drop her off with her teachers at Sunday school, then come back an hour later. Those teachers always sent her home with something to read, and I didn't think much of it. But one time she came home and asked me to read her this story of a shepherd who left all the sheep in his flock behind to look for one lost sheep. I felt uneasy after reading that, and something just didn't set quite right with me. I couldn't put it out of my mind. So I went over to the church with that story and asked the pastor if he thought God cared about me. He said that he did. I asked him if he knew that my wife died. He said they had all loved her very much. I broke down into tears and Pastor Mike came over to hug me. I told him I felt like that lost sheep, only I didn't think that anyone was looking for me. He told me that Jesus had been looking for me for a long time. And son, I broke down again. I just couldn't take it anymore, and later that morning the Pastor led me to Jesus, and I haven't been the same since."

If you would like to learn about adopting a Chinese orphan, and how you can help today, go to

Monday, October 10, 2005

Party Time and Directions!

*Nearly *Everyone is proudly invited to my Going Away/Farewell Celebration blast!

It's gonna be a hot one.

Everyone reading this is invited.

I know you probably want to know some directions and times so here they are:

The time is at 4 pm till when you feel like leaving, next sunday, October the 16th the year of our Lord, 2005

Here's the directions

From Norfolk/Virginia Beach: Take 64 west to the magruder boulevard/Poquoson exit drive straight for several miles. Eventually the road will dead-end to a fork going straight or turning off to the right. You will want to turn right. This will put you on Rt 17/George Washington Highway. Drive for a few miles until you see a Wawa on your right. This road is Wolftrap Road. Turn Right. Drive for about a mile until you come to a stop light. This is goodwyn neck road. Turn Right. There will be another immediate stoplight after that. Turn right. This is Seaford Road. Drive for about a mile past about 5 right turns till you come to Winsome Haven. Turn Right. Drive for about a half mile till you see the mailbox that says "128" turn right. This is my driveway. At least for another 2 weeks.

See you there!

Don't Forget to bring food!

P.S. Food is optional if you can't afford to bring anything i will understand and have pity on you.

Additionally there will be nametags so you wont feel left out.

*Everyone is invited except people that personally wish me physical harm.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Does Anyone Agree with Me?

In response to all the flak I've been getting for my posts lately, and all the doubters that left comments last week that are strangely silent this week, what gives?

Does anyone have any comments on something they would like me to write about that people would like to hear? Maybe I should write about movies and do guy jokes, you know something neutral that we could all agree on. Maybe I could start a book club, and everyone would read a book with me once a month and we could talk about it.

At this point, i just want to write what I think people want to hear.

Am I to assume that when no one leaves comments that they like it? Or does it just mean that if my post doesn't cause controversy it leaves no impression at all?

Maybe I should answer reader questions on the blog. Send me some. I do have an email address.

I'm Leaving

2 weeks from today is my target date. 1 week from today I'm having a going away party. you're all invited.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Trouble with Girls is

No one can figure them out. Here's a recent encounter I had with a girl at Starbucks about a week ago. Clearly some time has passed, so many of you may doubt that I have the ability to totally recall what the girl said. Well fear not, I have Total Recall. I bought it for 5 bucks at Wal-Mart last year. Pretty hot movie actually, Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to Mars and gets attacked and in the end almost gets his face melted off from what I recall. Then later he runs for governor versus Arnold from Different Strokes. It's a heartwarming story of love. I really recommend it.

So, last week I was predictably at Starbucks where I spend a lot of quiet time reflecting on the nature of man and his own ultimate mortality versus his final destination and of course his final destination 2.

Me, quiet guy, and sensitive guy were talking at a table outside Starbucks some time after they closed. Some people might find this strange, what with us hanging out at Starbucks and all. Some people ask me, "What do you do at Starbucks?" "We talk", I tell them in mock amazement. A lot of people are talking less and less these days. I mean there's more chatter than ever before, but very few people are actually talking anymore, and that tends to put a damper on conversation.

So, this girl comes out of Starbucks that I don't know anything about at all, except that she must know how to mix Coffee and Chocolate to some degree. And no, I don't know why I capitalized those 2 words in that last sentence. Please don't ever ask me about it again. Sensitive guy mentions that she's in college and taking classes on something in economics. All the economic theory I've learned has been from people in talk radio disecting things they read in newspapers, and then telling people who call in that they are wrong, and stupidly so at that. Naturally of course, this means that I tried to engage her mind right away. I wanted to probe it with a stick and discover if there was any intelligent thoughts there, or if it was all just knee jerk reactionary liberalism stemming from divorced parents, and probably a gay uncle who molested her somewhere down the line.

"So what do you think about the Fair Tax proposal?" I asked her as she was walking towards our table. She of course hadn't heard about it, since probably everything she knew about economics or politics came from her liberal arts classes, and watching the O.C. every week. I can't hold that against her, there's a lot of dumb people out there that want to act like they know something but can't really talk about it, without seeming like they're lecturing you, which they are since they're just regurgitating everything they heard in class. My cousin David for instance steadfastly refuses to listen to any ideas espoused by any talk radio commentator, or any conservative columnist because he says they're biased and he already knows their arguments, and he disagrees with them. Yeah, you could say he's close minded.

"The fair tax?" she asked with a curious look on her face while wrinkling her chin. "What's that?" As soon as I explained to her that the idea came from Neal Boortz, a talk radio personality that comes on from 10 am to 12 pm monday through friday on am 790, she let loose her abrasive personality, and spilled her guts. "You mean conservative radio, because that's all it is." She whined breathlessly. "God I hate Rush oooooooo. He makes me so mad. Sean Hannity. BARRRRF!" I didn't quite understand her hatred for "conservative radio". After all, everyone on "conservative radio" earned their place on the national scene by paying their dues with smaller gigs across the country for years, whereas the liberal radio station Air America was self appointed by Communists and Socialists, and none of the major hosts of any of the programs had been working in radio their whole lives and developed a following because of their radical thought and ideas. Many of them were just put in place because they were liberal, hated George Bush, and already had a national following in other media. This all somehow managed to filter through my head in the 2 seconds after she said that. Don't ask me how. Because I don't understand it. Seriously.

"Well", I said, desparately trying to placate her and soothe the savage beast. "The book is a number one bestseller on the nonfiction list, and it's nonpartisan. I mean, it's about economics not politics anyway. It just really makes sense." This seemed to calm her down for a minute, and temporarily assuaged her rabid desire for red meat. "Okay", she said. "What's it about?" I told her that basically it was a system that would eliminate the I.R.S. and charge a flat 23% sales tax on everything. Her response involved the word stupid, so I didn't want to bother with giving her more ink than she deserves.

Then sensitive guy cut in, and told me that she had a hard day and I should take it easy on her. "Ask her about sports", he said, motioning to her. "Do you like basketball?" She did indeed like basketball and went on to talk about it for a minute or so before letting loose the complaints of her day and general frustrations with things. Since sensitive guy had shown me the error of my ways, I didn't make a peep the whole time she was talking, which by the way, seemed like forever. She wouldn't shut up for anything.

I didn't talk again until she mentioned that she also worked at Heaven and Earth. I piped up quickly with this new bonus entry. "He's gonna toot and I'm gonna scoot" I said proudly. Naturally she didn't know that I was quoting the title of a popular boook at Heaven and Earth. I mean, why would she? After all she only worked there and had probably spent many hundred of days inside the 4 walls of Heaven and Earth, whereas I have only been in one probably 8 or 9 times in my life and that was one of the titles I remembered from my browsing. Sensitive guy, with a lot of poking and prodding, got her to acknowledge that she knew the author, once we figured out the author's name.

This whole affair probably succinctly illustrates how I relate to the ladies. I treat everything like it's an interview, knowing firsthand that first impressions count, and if a woman doesn't have something of substance to say when I ask her a question that is supposedly in her field, then my opinion of her will drop sharply. I don't give people little bites of Josh unless I'm sure that's all they can handle. New people get the whole enchilada, because I've found that if they can't handle it now, then they probably won't ever be able to handle it, and someone that can't handle it, isn't someone that I want.

Yes, I'm a very difficult person. It's because I have standards.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Wow, I'm really lame.

I just got home from Wal-Mart to discover that I have left my generic Crest Teeth Whitening Strips, and a $5 dollar Rambo 3 dvd in the bag at Wal-Mart. This may have been because I was overzealous with getting my box of 12 Krispy Kreme Doughnuts home in one piece.

This is not true. I was really thinking about eating one as soon as I saw the box. Is it considered irony to buy teeth whitening strips and Krispy Kreme doughnuts at the same time? Or is it just considered dumb? Or, does this indicate something greater, something about the inner conflict of man. Is this the battle between the Id and the Ego? In my case it was probably the super ego that thinks I can eat those doughnuts without blowing up like a blimp and that somehow my teeth will still sparkle in 30 days or less, or else my money back.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with some of the more "clinical" terms that I used, it is because you have not taken Psychology 101. I did however, and I have just imparted some of my complex wisdom for you to use however best that you see fit. I am referring to the bits about the Id and the Ego and the Super Ego. I don't really remember what that's all about, but trust me, I used those words correctly in that one sentence where I was talking about them.

To sum up, Krispy Kreme doughnuts that are fresh are clearly a small glimpse of what heaven is like. When I eat them, I wonder how anything in heaven can really trump the magnificence of that feeling. This will probably start a thread on some message board somewhere about whether or not Jesus is better than a doughnut. Well, he certainly doesn't provide better taste sensations, but he's better for you, and probably less filling. What's that? Great taste you say? No? Less filling? Really?

Earth Shattering Announcement

I talked to my friend Slacker on the phone yesterday, and him and his wife mad at me bought a house and it needs a lot of work done to it. The last time I saw them, almost 2 years ago, I tripped over a cord on mad at me's laptop which apparently doomed it, and it cost like 200 bucks which i couldn't pay at the time. She's had it out for me ever since, but slacker convinced her that I wouldn't break anything else if I stayed at their house while looking for rooms. They live less than an hour away from the city. Then I told him to tell her that I would help out with the house while I'm there so I could help work off my debt. And he told me I'd have to take that up with her.

So, I found somewhere to stay. That's step 1.

I really can't believe it.

I'm majorly stoked.

That means "I'm so excited" for people coming late to the party.