Here's what's happening in your world













Look folks. If we don't pretend that nothing has happened, then the hurricane will have already won. I don't particularly like it when hurricanes win. So uh. Quit all that freekin out, and stop all your gas hysteria.

Chris Farley was given a star on the Walk of Fame


This actually happened a few days ago, I just neglected to talk about it. Chris Farley was the greatest ball of fat known to man. He could use a 2-dollar bill as a prop and make it funny by trying to rip it in half and falling over. Actually my favorite memories were mostly of him falling over or hitting his head on something and screaming. He was the greatest self-pitying comic ever. Predictably 99% of you reading this have seen Tommy Boy since Comedy Central and TNT run it like every other week, but I would also reccomend that you rent or buy his SNL greatest hits DVD. This despite the fact that the new SNL dvd's are just basically chop shop operations where they just take random footage and throw it on the disk. But hey, I'm sure his greatest character, Bennet Brauer (as shown above) is on there. Just because he didn't look good doesn't mean your screen will melt.

Side note: David Spade was at the Walk of Fame and ceremony and said a few words. I don't really know what he said, but I can probably summarize, "Holy Hell I miss that fat tub of lard, my career is nothing without him. That former child star movie? Wow what was I thinking? I need help."

Reflections on Pizza Delivery and Being 29

Unsurprisingly the people that work at my Chanello's Pizza store are a motley collection of individuals. Former convicts, senior citizens and ladies with a large amount of cellulose is a pretty good description of the workers there. Oh yeah and me. I'm 29, don't have a girlfriend (or a kid), and haven't been married or in jail (thanks to my lawyer). I guess I just forgot that people naturally think certain things when they see people. For instance, a youngish looking middle-aged man with bleached blonde hair, and a crooked smile came into Chanello's the other day with a young teenage looking guy with a bandana and tight shorts. I instantly thought, "Pedophile and gay." Now, it turns out that I was right, but you still can't make assumptions all the time. Okay, scratch that, actually you can. Assumptions based on people's looks are right about 80 % of the time. If you see a young woman with red hair and a Riot GRLLL T-shirt then it would be quite alright for you to venture a guess that she is a punk rocker.

So, it only makes sense that the world's oldest pizza delivery driver thought I was gay. Here. I'll start the conversation from where he gave a racial anecdote for the second time.

Old guy: Yup, Rosco was driving down to 29th street and this lady came to the door and said "Hold on let me get you a tip and then this other woman came to the door and said, Don't tip him, he's a white man."
Me: Yeah that's awful. You actually told me that yesterday.
Old guy (smiling): Yep, them black folks don't like tippin white people. And my friend was from up North, and he was like, I didn't think people was prejudice in Virginia, and I told him, Yeah they are.

An awkward pause later....

Old guy: Say how old are you anyway?
Me: 29
Old guy: You got a girlfriend?
Me: Nope.
Old guy: You been married?
Me: Nope.
Old guy (backing away slowly): Well whatever then.
Me: I'm sorry. What?
Old guy: Well you know. You like girls right?
Me: Yeah.
Old guy: Well, some people don't.

It's true. Some people don't like girls. Some people also don't like Communism, and a free market society. I don't like stepping in dog poop. See, that's just part of what makes us different.

But really, I can see how the old man thought I was gay. Back in the days when he was young, I understand that women actually wanted to get married. Now, they apparently just want to party and think that guys only want one thing.

When he was growing up, gentlemen pursued a lady with intent to have children. Now they think, "I hope she can put out, and pay half the rent when she moves in."

Tragically I was brought up in a Christian environment that was sadly behind the times. For some reason, the Christian movement is and has been telling young men that they shouldn't pursue women, that instead they should just help out at the church, and in the act of painting the stoop, Bethany will naturally get the hint and fall in love. So, Christian guys with good hearts aren't often going after the ladies if they have good intentions, and the typical Christian girl today is such a wallflower that they will cluster together in large groups of Christian girl wallflowers that a guy has no hope of penetrating.

"The Lord will provide" is the common theme of the day in that area. Does anyone realize that if neither party makes the first move that the Lord can't provide? Does that kind of attitude really make sense in today's changing world? So, I've gone through life looking for a good Christian women in church. However, the good looking ones are always popular and they are surrounded by Christian guy friends. The girl then will eventually get stressed out, because one of them professes that he likes her. Oh horrors! Who could imagine that turn of events happening? I just can't stand the whole "fear of relationship" anxiety that today's at least moderately good looking Christian lady seems to possess. It doesn't make sense to me. Don't they realize that they are depressing the whole system?

I think I can explain why. The good looking girls are always having fun because they are popular and therefore don't want anything to rock the boat like some guy liking them. The slightly unatractive or uninteresting ones are never popular and so desperately crave the kind of attention that the good looking girls get on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, me the slightly above average looking Christian guy never pursued when I was younger but still managed to fall in love and lose it all in a long distance relationship later. After that, I never managed to break through the wallflower system. The church almost never helps foster young relationships, unless you count church mothers who can often be counted on for matchmaking. Coincidentally, the only girls that ever pursued me did only want one thing. That of course, and half the rent.

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