We Are All a Work in Progress

You read the title right. I just got a job at Uno's Pizza, and yes I'll be a waiter. I'll also be waiting for your responses. Yes, that was a joke. Yes, it was an awful one, but things cost more in the city. I had my notebook filled up with like 18 pages of leads and phone numbers and jobs to look for and amazingly enough, Uno's was actually looking for workers. I was incredulous. I went in to the resteraunt and was greeted by a smiling manager with an earpiece named Chad who seemed like your typical cool dude recent college grad. And somehow he was the manager, maybe the fact that this location is across the street from New York University in the East Village (Manhattan) has something to do with this. I don't know. But right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with joy from finally getting a job, combined with the sudden drop of having one of my main goals knocked out of the way and I was so tired from that struggle that I feel the need to recharge my batteries till ne...

This is a piece that I wrote at Starbucks the other and it was performed at the Bowery Poetry Club in Manhattan at approximately 2:12 am November 14th 2005. My apologies to whoever have already heard it, or who will hear it at the next open mike at this other place on Sunday. Ahem It all started the other day when I was watching the game and the announcers came on and said, "Welcome back fans, you're watching the first matchup in 56 years between left handed quarterbacks." I sat there for a minute with a puzzled look on my face as several large men with shoulder pads played a modified version of kill the man with the ball and I thought to myself, "Why would they say that?" Because you know I can't really see how that helps anyone watching the game to understand it better, or figure out what they're looking at. It seems that this is about as relevant as saying that this is the first ever sold out game at Giants Stadium when in odd numbered years the tempe...

If I started at the beginning of this story, leaving off not at the place where i stopped during my last blog, but at my last blog in virginia, then I would be writing for an awfully long time and I don't know how much of it would be any good. I suppose I shall have to explain how I got to where I am sitting right now at this very second typing to all of my expectant hysterical fans. I am at an Internet Cafe on 42nd Street in Manhattan. For those of you who don't know what an Internet Cafe is, it's basically just a place where you pay to use the Internet, and occasionally you can get coffee i think, but I could be wrong. I don't see any flipping coffee here at this time. I understand that the odds that people who read a blog would not know what an Internet Cafe is are relatively small, but however I do what I can do for the people. There is however an open bottle of Poland Spring water in front of me which was probably left here by the previous user of this particular i...

I haven't really been able to do a proper blog since I left whenever it was. Like I said before, it has been a whirlwind of activity, mostly related to spending money, I will readily admit, but not really that much. I have a lot to talk about, and only a little time before church so I'll just say this, securing an apartment in Brooklyn in a Jewish neighborhood and getting a room with Mario, I'm pretty psyched. Oh yeah, also Mario has "friends" in the catering industry and he's called them already to let them know that I'll be contacting them. He told me that Winter was coming up and that I would be out of luck if I didn't jump on this now. Then he admonished me to "not fart around with this." Basically I'm being gifted a job at 20 dollars an hour doing catering it sounds like, assuming I don't screw up. I'll get the list of names from him monday when I pay all the money, and then I will call them right away and hope that I can sti...

I've been so busy. Okay, mostly sleeping hanging out with good friends and going to clubs, but still busy. I do have an apartment in Brooklyn with 2 older singled Italian guys, assuming I can scrape together 1550 by Monday afternoon. My friend just came over we're going costume party shopping.

Hey everybody. I'm sure you want to know that I got to my friend's house safely after having a beer in Richmond and driving until 9 o clock in the morning. I watched a little bit of VH1's classic music videos, said I wasn't really that tired anymore, then fell right asleep and woke up during the time traveling bit of Napoleon Dynamite. Lafonda looks really hot when you're tired. And I still love technology. I'm going to a show in Brooklyn today with my friend slacker superstar and oh yeah checking out 2 apartment shares also. I'm taking a shower right after this. I knew you would all want me to be clean to make a good first impression.

This has been a time of great heartache and turmoil. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I've been attached to this ridiculous little burg called Hampton Roads for so long that it feels like I'm ripping myself apart to leave. It still doesn't seem real. Every little knick knack on my shelf, every article of clothing, every nuance of my room is so familiar to me that to say goodbye to it is like putting down a much loved family pet that has been around for so many years that you can't imagine life without it. I don't know what I feel right now. Sadness? Longing? Confusion? I'm sure putting my trust in God. I put out my sheepskin a long time ago, and it was wet the next day. Still, I did nothing. It took me a very long time to put out a wet sheepskin and see it totally dry in the morning. My parents and some friends of the family prayed over me today, and my mom cried and said she felt like Hannah at the temple leaving her son in God's hands. I cr...

A few days ago, I was involved heavily in my normal post work activity of checking my email, thinking important thoughts about things I have yet to do yet but not actually doing them, and playing video games and pretending like I was in the middle of packing when I hear my mom coming up the stairs when my parents were discussing their work plans for the next few days, since apparently my brother, who works for my dad in overseeing the day to day functions of a moderately successful homebuilding enterprise is in Florida for a wedding till Tuesday, or as I call it "The day after the new hurricane destroys everything." At the time I was heavily sedated and comatose from a large variety of Toxic level painkillers when I agreed to work with my dad for the next few days, knowing upfront that this would require a large expenditure of my time which is growing short, and that I would be paid a little bit more than I am worth out of a perpetual sense of guilt for bad parenting. We were...

Sorry to break the silence here, but I recognize a silent protest when I see one. You guys were all saying the same thing, "Josh it's been too long since your last blog. The last time that we mentioned to you that it had been too long since your last blog you acted all whiny and made us want to consider turning away in embarrassment. Clearly we are expecting better behavior from you this time in the hopes that you have learned. Oh yeah, and would you mind spell checking and proof reading your work, because that really bothers us." I'm taking these comments into serious consideration, and I almost had the idea to write nothing at all before I went and just disapear like a ghost just like Bilbo Baggins did on his eleventy first birthday. However, I also understand the hunger for more and new and better material. I would be more than happy to oblige if I had any. It almost seems like nonfeasance to write nothing until Wednesday, even though I've been doing next to no...

U.S. News and World Report, another magazine that I have a free lifetime subscription to, devoted like 6 pages to teens having sex. The focus of the article was on abstinence based education verus traditional sex education. I can never quite understand why these classes are so hard to teach. I could teach them. Let's see, where to start oh yeah, let me lay it for you. 1)You teenagers shouldn't be having sex because it means there is a good chance that you could produce a child out of wedlock which studies have shown has a much lower chance to be a normal producing member of society than if he had been born into a family with a mother and father. I had to include the definition of marriage for any gay lovers reading this. 2)If you are dumb enough to have sex anyway, use a rubber, or that morning after pill thing I hear about. Yes, I'm sorry that your girlfriend is hot and you have trouble keeping your hands off her. 3)Sticking it somewhere can produce diseases which are gros...

Marty was outside raking leaves in his front yard when the call came. "Marty come quick, something's wrong!" his wife Sarah yelled from across the way. A shiver ran down his spine, and Marty dropped the rake, almost tripping it over it as he ran towards the house. He'd never heard his wife sound so traumatized before. A thousand thoughts went through his head all at once. "My son has been kidnapped, and those are the kidnappers on the phone demanding money", he thought. All manner of irrational fears that had been drummed into his head by television and movies played out as horror scenarios flashed through his mind. He burst into the house, slamming the door behind him. "Honey what's the matter? What is it?" he demanded. His demands quickly felt a warm hug attack him as a tearful Sarah came over to him and whispered, "Your father fell off the roof while he was trimming those tall apple trees of his. The doctors don't know how long he h...

*Nearly *Everyone is proudly invited to my Going Away/Farewell Celebration blast! It's gonna be a hot one. Everyone reading this is invited. I know you probably want to know some directions and times so here they are: The time is at 4 pm till when you feel like leaving, next sunday, October the 16th the year of our Lord, 2005 Here's the directions From Norfolk/Virginia Beach: Take 64 west to the magruder boulevard/Poquoson exit drive straight for several miles. Eventually the road will dead-end to a fork going straight or turning off to the right. You will want to turn right. This will put you on Rt 17/George Washington Highway. Drive for a few miles until you see a Wawa on your right. This road is Wolftrap Road. Turn Right. Drive for about a mile until you come to a stop light. This is goodwyn neck road. Turn Right. There will be another immediate stoplight after that. Turn right. This is Seaford Road. Drive for about a mile past about 5 right turns till you come to Winsome Ha...

In response to all the flak I've been getting for my posts lately, and all the doubters that left comments last week that are strangely silent this week, what gives? Does anyone have any comments on something they would like me to write about that people would like to hear? Maybe I should write about movies and do guy jokes, you know something neutral that we could all agree on. Maybe I could start a book club, and everyone would read a book with me once a month and we could talk about it. At this point, i just want to write what I think people want to hear. Am I to assume that when no one leaves comments that they like it? Or does it just mean that if my post doesn't cause controversy it leaves no impression at all? Maybe I should answer reader questions on the blog. Send me some. I do have an email address.

2 weeks from today is my target date. 1 week from today I'm having a going away party. you're all invited.

No one can figure them out. Here's a recent encounter I had with a girl at Starbucks about a week ago. Clearly some time has passed, so many of you may doubt that I have the ability to totally recall what the girl said. Well fear not, I have Total Recall. I bought it for 5 bucks at Wal-Mart last year. Pretty hot movie actually, Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to Mars and gets attacked and in the end almost gets his face melted off from what I recall. Then later he runs for governor versus Arnold from Different Strokes. It's a heartwarming story of love. I really recommend it. So, last week I was predictably at Starbucks where I spend a lot of quiet time reflecting on the nature of man and his own ultimate mortality versus his final destination and of course his final destination 2. Me, quiet guy, and sensitive guy were talking at a table outside Starbucks some time after they closed. Some people might find this strange, what with us hanging out at Starbucks and all. Some people ask ...

I just got home from Wal-Mart to discover that I have left my generic Crest Teeth Whitening Strips, and a $5 dollar Rambo 3 dvd in the bag at Wal-Mart. This may have been because I was overzealous with getting my box of 12 Krispy Kreme Doughnuts home in one piece. This is not true. I was really thinking about eating one as soon as I saw the box. Is it considered irony to buy teeth whitening strips and Krispy Kreme doughnuts at the same time? Or is it just considered dumb? Or, does this indicate something greater, something about the inner conflict of man. Is this the battle between the Id and the Ego? In my case it was probably the super ego that thinks I can eat those doughnuts without blowing up like a blimp and that somehow my teeth will still sparkle in 30 days or less, or else my money back. For those of you who are unfamiliar with some of the more "clinical" terms that I used, it is because you have not taken Psychology 101. I did however, and I have just imparted some ...

I talked to my friend Slacker on the phone yesterday, and him and his wife mad at me bought a house and it needs a lot of work done to it. The last time I saw them, almost 2 years ago, I tripped over a cord on mad at me's laptop which apparently doomed it, and it cost like 200 bucks which i couldn't pay at the time. She's had it out for me ever since, but slacker convinced her that I wouldn't break anything else if I stayed at their house while looking for rooms. They live less than an hour away from the city. Then I told him to tell her that I would help out with the house while I'm there so I could help work off my debt. And he told me I'd have to take that up with her. So, I found somewhere to stay. That's step 1. I really can't believe it. I'm majorly stoked. That means "I'm so excited" for people coming late to the party.

The second story from yesterday's newspaper that grabbed me was about how many horror stories of the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina appear to be complete fabrications. I'm sure there were car jackings, and shootings, and rapes but the actual amount of these sordid incidents seems to have been greatly magnified by the amount of talking that has been done about it. Rumor spread to journalists, who reported it to their bosses, who printed it, and the whole world treated it as absolute truth. Let's not let a little thing like fact checking get in the way of a good blown out of proportion story. This reminds me of how Dan Rather cried on air recently about the climate of fear that was caused by the new media, essentially because due to the 24 hour news stations now it was hard to get away with as much stuff as had been before. But now we see that it's still easy to get crap out there and get people talking about it. But where did this hyperbole come from originally? My theory ...

Actually this post is really about the news from yesterday but I don't get the newspaper every day. I had to pay for this one. I forgot how crappy our local paper and in fact newspapers in general normally are. Let me give you the quick rundown on what's up in your world yesterday before I mow the lawn and go watch Last House on the Left at my cousin's house. Story 1) Anna Nicole Smith's never ending fight to get the money from the now dead guy that she married who was like 100 at the time. - Our newspaper, the Daily Press, has sunk to a new low and is publishing this kind of gossip column Hard Copy kind of crap which is the newspaper equivalent of a "where are they now?" piece on the FRONT PAGE. Basically, I think everyone entirely forgot about this story and it has no meaning at all or relevance to anyone that a rich fake boobed ho is a gold digger. This has an almost literal meaning now since the guy in question has been dead for years. She would have to di...

There was a tremendous outcry recently regarding my 2 posts which many people would rightly call a "breakdown" of sorts. I need to address that it is sometimes hard to maintain a public and private persona at the same time. I guess I just wasnt used to the challenge of sudden fame and succumbed to it early. I need to remember that this is a business that I am in and act accordingly. Just like Best Friend told me, if you only can post something once a week. Do it. Leave people wanting more instead of having them get sick of you. I think that's a great motto. And one that I intend to live by. I spent the time away from the blog not moping, as it would seem from reading, but living out some great material. That's right I've got several great stories to put up on the blog in the next day or 2. So new and old fans alike I just want to let you know that this is the perfect time to jump on the bandwagon of the future superstar. And just in case you forgot how hot I was, ...