We Are All a Work in Progress

*Note the following is a form of humorous fiction and is intended to be regarded as such. Any resemblance to real people alive or dead is purely unintentional and the author apologizes in advance for any such similarities made in this regard.* Dear John: I know you've been casually flirting with me lately and even mentioning that we should "get together" sometime or "hang out" in the future or meet for "drinks" and I'd love to, I really would except that our cat and mouse game has descended to tedium from overuse. I can only laugh or smile or move out of hearing range quickly when you invite me over for coffee just so many times and I am growing tired of it. My laugh is meant as a response to your question to say this, "I am obviously flattered by your request and although I don't find you personally attractive, I'm sure someone else will find you so and take pity on your bereaved form. Also I have a boyfriend and I can't tell you,...

Ladies and Gentlemen. I come to you this morning very tired and in need of sleep, but I have awoken this morning before 8 am in the morning on Sunday which is extremely unhealthy, just to call a black friend of mine and ask him when his church meets, hoping it was at 9 or 10 in the morning, so I could visit it. Unfortunately, my friend explained the the church he preaches at only has worship meetings one Sunday morning every other month. Apparently he is trying to phase a church into regular every week meetings. Since I am very tired I could be getting the dates wrong and maybe they meet more than once every month, but that was the gist of it. He is hopelessly charismatic and incorporates the mannerisms and ideals into his everyday life where I have never really seen him without a suit and top hat or being at anything but a super enthusiastic level of excitement about virtually everything. He probably feels that the Lord would never have him express a negative emotion. I felt I had to ...

I was just on set of Law and Order: SVU doing background work for television which usually shows up as a blob on television and I met 2 different girls on set and they both had boyfriends. I think that has to be a record. Usually I only meet one girl on set that I'm interested in that has a boyfriend, so this was completely unexpected and an awesome to cap off my day. I just realized that I am too tired to complete this post which would consist of describing this girls well, if I type long enough without thinking about it, I am sure that I can come up with something. The first one had hair in her face and was untraditionally beautiful and had just written a screenplay and had a kid I enjoyed talking to her all day and discovered she had a boyfriend when I told her that I've been accused of living my life like I'm in a movie and my life quote for that would be, "I think life is one big inside joke and I'm looking for someone to share it with." She said it was s...

Since July of 2006 I've been doing extra work on tv shows and movies an average of 2 or 3 days a week and it always amuses me every time I'm on set. This is a job where you get paid a low wage to sit around all day waiting for the producers to call the herd onto set where they place them into what they seem to think is the most "natural" way that they would look, except it never looks natural. It always looks pretty much stiff and forced. Needless to say I have a lot of fun on these sets joking around with people and I only need an audience of 1 for endless amusement. Yesterday it was my good friend Scott Thomas. I kept telling people he was gay and whenever he would talk I would tell people, "It's okay. He's gay." Because being gay excuses everything. It was so much fun yesterday, so much so that I went across the street and had a general Tso's special lunch at the Golden Harvest restaurant rather than eat the cafeteria style food that they pour...

The sky isn't falling. I know that the five of you out there who occasionally read this blog are wondering where your superstar has gone to? How could he be so great if he stays away from his beckoning public? Well fans, I've just discovered what the rest of the world has, namely that whatever I write on myspace will get like 10 times as many views as anything i write here so.... Yeah thats right I just write on myspace now and this page is sort of like my bastard cousin who I sometimes take out for ice cream. That really wasn't a very good metaphor was it? But I wanted to let everyone know that my Christmas and Thanksgiving breaks were so wonderful beyond belief and I wanted to personally thank all my friends and family who made it so, and for my mom who always lets me use the car. Anyway fans, I am excited and ready to rip 2007 a new one. This is the year that I will get an agent, will get into SAG, and will get a small part in a movie. Mark it down. It will happen. Eithe...

The new O.J. Simpson book, "If I Did It", chronicling the exploits of the football star and mass murderer and suspected coke dealer was canceled today over a furor of uproar about letting an unconvicted killer speak. There was also a 2 part television special on Fox planned to promote the event and this two has been canceled. This reminds me of how the Dixie Chicks were boycotted when they spoke out against the president. They were banned on several country radio stations, fans threw their cd's away, and ticket sales generally bombed until they figured out how to re-package themselves for a pop audience and make money off what they and others called a "clear Free Speech Violation" This despite the fact that Free Speech as mentioned in the Constitution has to do with Congress making a law.... There will be no similar free speech uproar today because O.J. Simpson has an unpopular position - one of being a suspected murderer, therefore no one will defend or speak o...

I just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee. Akeelah is an 11 year old girl with a talent for spelling and she gets encouragement and support along the way to reach her goal. It made me think of my own childhood and how my parents were there for me financially and spiritually but were unable to reach beyond that and give me any practical help about "what I wanted to be when I grew up." My dad always tried to pressure me to do something without trying to find out what that was. He always talked about "passion" but didnt know how to instill it in me. He made these vibrant speeches about why you had to have it and he was deadly serious. I was scared of him. Growing up, I was always trying to entertain people. I put on magic shows and entered talent competitions for stand up comedy. But that was it. They never asked me about why I did those things or made any attempt to lead me in a direction. My dad just wanted me to have some direction. I remember one time he put so ...

Some people have commented on the strangeness of my last post. Some people haven't commented at all. While some others have not read it. I feel bad for those people, because they'll never know what it's like. Now there is a good reason why I was so off last week. I've been working like a maniac all summer. No hold up. Let me tell the story first for those who came in late. Life in New York City has been really hard. I lived in Brooklyn with a sumo wrestler who subsisted on hot dogs and corn flakes and my other roomate smoked 5 cigars in the apartment a day and yelled at his mother weekly on the telephone...at 3 in the morning and 6 in the morning...Then he produced an eviction notice showing that I had to get out in 7 days. This was fun, because I had been there for about 5 months then and so I was really getting some semblance of stability. I loaded all my stuff into my car and then paid an old man to sleep on his couch for 5 days. He kicked me out 2 days earlier than ...

Seriously. I just got asked why I don't blog anymore. It's not true. I did blog. No one responded. I've got far too much going in my life to blog for a dead audience. Okay that's not technically true. If my audience was dead they wouldn't have access to the internet and they wouldn't be able to enjoy the mirth merriment and crazy antics that are happening here like non-stop. I mean its like a party in my mouth like 24/7 and for real its like crazy. So you know like I've got this blog and its where I write like my innermost thoughts and whatnot and my deepest secrets like uh...nah i can't write that. seriously. don't make me. you wouldn't like me when I go crazy. I went crazy one time and I didn't like it, so I don't see any reason why you, the nonexistant audience would like it much either. So a lot of people are probably wondering, is Josh still in New York? How can he go on? Well let me say that I lie to my credit card companies, which ...

ALright everyone. I know you all are kind of dissapointed that I haven't blogged at somewhere instead of the nowhere that I have been blogging at, but I wanted to wait till I had my room setup because when I first moved to Washington Heights (a dominican neighborhood in uptown manhattan) I was sleeping on the floor without an air conditioning while my roomate was having 7 different girls over every week and each one of them thought they were his "girlfriend". He watches tv with them every single freeking night of the week till like 4 ..5? in the morning. Yesterday I woke up at 4:30 in the morning at Dukes of Hazzard was on. I wasn't in the mood for Boss Hog then (no duh i was really tired) so i turned it off. 10 minutes later, my roomate laying on his bed with a girl remote in hand, turned it back on. AAAAHHHHH sometimes I can't stand it. But that's only when I'm tired, which is a lot because I don't have any blinds in my room. When I went to Ikea to...

But what is coming you say? What could it possible be? It's driving me crazy, please tell me. Well friends, neighbors, haters, random strangers, and stragglers my blog is returning. Why is this? Well.... I'M FINALLY ABLE TO PAY THE RENT IN NEW YORK CITY!!! this is actually an incredible event and I am excited about the future and can pursue acting now with unbelievable glee knowing that the future holds no bounds also i am waiting for my new hard drive to setup. it will take all day so i am writing this on my roomate's terrible computer. i fixed it and its still sorta subpar. anyway. im also setting up my new room. i bought a bed, a computer desk, and a bookcase. they are all completed thanks to the nightmare that is IKEA. after the completion of the computer i will move everything in and it will be beautiful. thank you one and all. I LOVE YOU!!!!

Actually, I haven't been to many movies since moving to New York City, but I can still give you a great idea of whatever it is you're going to see this week when you go TO THE MOVIES!!!! Over the Hedge: Dreamworks can do no wrong, and talking animals in CGI are red hot right now for some reason. Madagascar sucked but over the Hedge is clearly a fun movie. This is a date movie for guys who have girls who enjoy being a kid at heart. There's probably a fierce battle with the next door neighbor with the hedge clippers and the animals probably stage some desparate rescue of some trapped animal and make wisecracks along the way and chances are one of the animals is scared but one is a hero and convinces the others to come along with. Look, this is a funny movie if you can handle cartoon movies. If you can't, then you didn't need me to tell you to stay away. The DaVinci Code: DID YOU CRACK THE CODE YET!!!! Movies that feature religious themes and deep dark hidden secrets...

I didn't really meet this guy, but I wish I did. Welcome back true believers. This morning I wrote a blog story on myspace about how I was woken up by a mouse and I already got 14 people to view it and it got me thinking about the future of this blog. Clearly I'm at a crossroads because of the lack of readership, and of course some of my readers are not on myspace to bear witness to my clever way with words. What to do? What to do? I've been kicking around the idea of turning this blog into sort of a commentary on pop culture blog which if you've ever talked to me is really my speciality and moving my great stories to myspace. I need all my fans out there to leave a comment about what they think about that in the next week, seriously. I mean that. Also, I'd toyed with the idea of not actually finishing the epic tale of my first large non union production because I didn't find it terribly int...

This is me now. I've been working out. and i joined the military on weekends without telling anyone. and i decided to get a nasty tattoo. Saturday was my first day ever as an extra in a commercial with 500 other people. I got the notice from an email casting service that sends me scads of emails every day. Normally they're for specific categories like Afr ican-American Female 20-25 needed for one day model shoot. Horseriding skills preferred. Also must speak spanish. My acting chops are pretty good, but I don't know if I could pass for that. I mean, I'm no Felicity Huffman but I am pretty hot. So this notice came in for something that I thought I could do - Americans between 25 and 60 needed for Bacardi comme...

There is no such thing as a sane woman. Period. End of story. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying, or a woman, and since woman are predisposed towards lying as a natural condition, it's really all the same thing. Women cannot be caught by lie detector tests because such devices are designed to test whether or not the person believes what they are saying, and women internalize their lies and weave such elaborate fantasies around them that they are unable to read words coming out of their mouths as anything other than gospel. Additionally, women, unless chastized otherwise, enjoy talking about whatever situation they're involved in, as long as they feel free to do so, which usually involves another woman being present, since they would likely be the only ones that another woman would trust her deep dark secrets to. Keep in mind, that to a woman, nearly all of her inner workings are private and deep dark secrets; this extends from how many Snickers bars she ate that da...

The 4 time champ It had been a long time coming, but yet most of his friends and family didn't see the telltale signs of a man burnt out from the near daily stress of checking lineups and scorecards and trying to sweettalk his best friends into gift dropping him their best players. And at 12:31 this morning, it officially happened - Norman Ferguson retired from Fantasy Football. In one last post to the league where Norman had spent the better part of the last 10 years of his life he cited mental fatigue and a desire to spend more time with his family as some of the major contributing factors. "Apparently I have a third son now and my daughter graduated college. When my wife gave me the dates of these events I tried to track down where I was at the time to figure out how I could have forgotten about such important events. According to the timeline, I was likely reading my foxsports news update about Priest Holmes possibly missing a game during week 2 of the "Big Dawgs...

From over stimulation, too much cigar smoke in the apartment and 3 hours of sleep on sunday followed by 6 on monday and after a full 8 today i need to go to bed right now. ive been way tired for over an hour. but still i knew the people would be clamoring for me, and I cannot abandon them. It is against my honor! Some notes of note I was at a house party on Saturday, and the topic happened to come up about Moby and whether or not he was a christian and then it struck me that christians sort of have this minority view of themselves where they (we) cling desparately to people in popular media and pin our normal view of christianity on them. Oh so if Moby's a christian, then i guess it's okay! that kind of thing. and then someone brought up how some old school metal artist is a christian but he doesnt change his stage show to reflect that, believing that its only a show and he shouldnt change what made him successful in the first place while living his life with friends and family...

You guys probably thought that I wouldn't notice that my last 2 lucid and bizzare posts met with no comment. Perchance it was because you had no idea what to say. I no no. I spelled the word "no" wrong. It should have been "know", as in Dr. Know the first James Bond movie (other than Casino Royale of course) based on the popular British spy character invented by Ian Fleming way back when. It was always great escapist fun watching James Bond because he always had some gadget which would allow him to do something so ridiculous that you would just laugh, shake your head and say, "That wacky ol James Bond has done it again!" And speaking of ridiculous... Which movie are you guys looking forward to more, Rocky 6 or Rambo 4? I haven't watched a single new Stallone film since Copland in 1997, the rest have all been, as I understand it, turgid. You may not be familiar with that word as such, but you'll have to trust me when I say that it was used derog...

I have no real reason for writing that, except that it's funny in an idiosyncratic sense and if nothing else that's at least good for something, although I must admit that at this time I am not exactly sure what that is or why it would be important but I feel I have certain obligations to my readership to include you in important goings ons such as this private joke that we are now sharing in honor of that beloved social revolutionary, Abby Hoffman. Abby loved his country so much that he named his only son after it, and thus America Hoffman was born, although I think it would have been more powerful if he had named him Johnny America who could have then become a comic book character and fought all sorts of wacky adventures against the red skull. I'm so sorry but work on this blog is unbearable now that I have become afflicted with the dread disease that waits for all of us - sleep! Sleep is to be feared. It can strike at any time and without mercy. It holds no regards to th...

Hoo boy! There sure is a lot of stuff going on in the world isn't there? I mean that's like a serious understatement if ever understatements have been made, and certainly they have otherwise there would be no need at all to have such a word which describes something which otherwise wouldn't ostensibly exist. I heard that Dick Cheny, who is currently our vice president as of this writing, shot someone in the face. It's very likely that this won't happen ever again as I understand he is now going through a mandatory "face shooting sensitivity training course" which is designed to let the viewer understand how serious it is to shoot someone in the face. I have never seen it, since I have never shot anyone in the face, however there was this one time that me and my brother were playing with BB guns and my brother asked me to point the gun at him and pull the trigger, which looking back on it seems like a really bad idea given the fact that our dad had told us ...