Why I Can't Tell You I Have a Boyfriend

*Note the following is a form of humorous fiction and is intended to be regarded as such. Any resemblance to real people alive or dead is purely unintentional and the author apologizes in advance for any such similarities made in this regard.*

Dear John:

I know you've been casually flirting with me lately and even mentioning that we should "get together" sometime or "hang out" in the future or meet for "drinks" and I'd love to, I really would except that our cat and mouse game has descended to tedium from overuse. I can only laugh or smile or move out of hearing range quickly when you invite me over for coffee just so many times and I am growing tired of it.

My laugh is meant as a response to your question to say this, "I am obviously flattered by your request and although I don't find you personally attractive, I'm sure someone else will find you so and take pity on your bereaved form. Also I have a boyfriend and I can't tell you, so please don't ask me again."

My smile is meant to carefully inform you that I am trying desparately to be polite and maintain a girlish image of one who is aloof and careful about who she is seen with and does not wish to sully herself with more than casual conversation with men who find her interesting, or "perky". Also, I think you should know that I have a boyfriend, and I obviously can't tell you, so please go away, but feel free to mention on occasion your flattering thoughts on my new outfit or hairstyle.

Whenever you drop the dreaded sentence mentioning lunch sometime I inwardly cringe and my stomach feels like paste and I am forced to excuse myself from your presence with the impression of mirth and a quick joke perhaps and some spot on genius reason for having to hastily exit your immediate vicinity. I think it should be obvious to you by now that I have a boyfriend that I cannot tell you about, and it is starting to sicken me about how dumb you are in not realizing this.

I can't imagine to what lengths I shall have to go to in the near future to avoid mentioning to you that I have a boyfriend should I ever chance you upon again in a room crowded with people or in some freak happenstance outside near a hot dog stand.

I suppose I shall have to have a friend with me at all times to swoop in and remind me about that appointment that I forgot about in order to more efficiently rendezvous from the area that you are standing in.

You probably have this idea stuck in your head that I am an ogre or a tease for leading you on by just not saying "no" to your queries, replys and pleadings but in fact John you would be completely wrong.

Despite my general repugnance and lack of feeling for you; by not telling you I have a boyfriend, I am actually trying to protect you. I don't want you to go away feeling discouraged that you have struck out with yet another woman and that there is absolutely no hope for you in the future of finding a person with mammary glands to exhibit any sort of interest in being around you for longer than 30 seconds at a time.

I just want you to go away with exactly the same outlook on life that you had before our brief encounter and talk to some other woman that you may perhaps have more luck with than myself. My fondest wish is, that to you, I simply stop existing, because you are clearly not in my solar system and I feel that you would be a lot better of if I was the same in yours.

Sigh. I suppose it would be a lot easier if I just told that you I simply cannot be seen with you because I already have a boyfriend, but I can't take something like that on my conscience. I already feel guilty enough from eating that pint of Haagen Daz last night during Grey's Anatomy.

So, anyway John as you can see there's absolutely nothing personal at all in my absolute rejection of you. It's not you; it's me. And that is precisely the reason why I can't tell you that I have a boyfriend.

yours sincerely,

someone I hope that you will quickly forget

ps. toodles!