Norman Ferguson retires

The 4 time champ

It had been a long time coming, but yet most of his friends and family didn't see the telltale signs of a man burnt out from the near daily stress of checking lineups and scorecards and trying to sweettalk his best friends into gift dropping him their best players. And at 12:31 this morning, it officially happened - Norman Ferguson retired from Fantasy Football.

In one last post to the league where Norman had spent the better part of the last 10 years of his life he cited mental fatigue and a desire to spend more time with his family as some of the major contributing factors. "Apparently I have a third son now and my daughter graduated college. When my wife gave me the dates of these events I tried to track down where I was at the time to figure out how I could have forgotten about such important events.

According to the timeline, I was likely reading my foxsports news update about Priest Holmes possibly missing a game during week 2 of the "Big Dawgs" epic playoff matchups. This just blew my mind. I mean for gosh sakes the man was a fantasy monster for years without skipping a beat and now his hamstring hurts when I have to play Damage Inc. in the second round? Thank god I was smart enough to hang a roster spot onto Larry Johnson or I would have been in serious trouble. I mean stud running backs are just impossible to come by.

And now it turns out that this was exactly the time that my precious baby Boy, Randy Moss Ferguson, was born. And then the year after that I was in the middle of trade talks to move Jimmy Smith and Michael Vick for Tom Brady but Born Winner wasn't having any of it. Smith is too old and Vick too unpredictable he told me, sure it's cool to see him run for 100 yards but running quarterbacks don't win championships. Heh, I sure put him in his place 8 weeks later when the Vick Experience threw and ran for a touchdown.

It sure would have been nice if I could remember Rachel's smile as she finished up her B.A. in whatever it was she majored in. Now I think I was there, but I really can't remember much during that time except how Jimmy Smith hung 200 yards and a score on those pathic Saints. Good thing I held onto him."

Sometime later in the very long and increasingly rant filled post Norman finally admitted that the thrill of competition just didn't stir him on anymore knowing that his family couldn't be there to cheer him on. "It just didn't seem real to me anymore", Norman admitted during a moment of quiet reflection. "I mean it was like I was living a double life and always coming out on the short end of the stick."

Shortly after becoming the manager of his second son's little league football team, The Bulls, Norman started to realize that he had some problems when he traded little Cody, a respectable second string receiver at the time, for defensive help and next year's fifth round draft choice from crosstown rivals, The Rabid Wolverines.

"That and the fact that my wife left me after that really opened up my eyes a little bit," Ferguson allowed. "When you have to make your own dinner every day and the dishes pile up and visitation rights for your kids are every other week, you start to realize there's more important things in life then staring at Stat Tracker and watching Terrell Owens eat up the yards every Sunday afternoon."

Mr. Ferguson will now be undergoing group therapy with his family on Friday afternoons and passing out Cambell's chunky soup to hungry fans on game day and he's feeling good about himself again.

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