Josh goes to the movies!
Actually, I haven't been to many movies since moving to New York City, but I can still give you a great idea of whatever it is you're going to see this week when you go TO THE MOVIES!!!!
Over the Hedge: Dreamworks can do no wrong, and talking animals in CGI are red hot right now for some reason. Madagascar sucked but over the Hedge is clearly a fun movie. This is a date movie for guys who have girls who enjoy being a kid at heart. There's probably a fierce battle with the next door neighbor with the hedge clippers and the animals probably stage some desparate rescue of some trapped animal and make wisecracks along the way and chances are one of the animals is scared but one is a hero and convinces the others to come along with. Look, this is a funny movie if you can handle cartoon movies. If you can't, then you didn't need me to tell you to stay away.
The DaVinci Code: DID YOU CRACK THE CODE YET!!!! Movies that feature religious themes and deep dark hidden secrets are usually great movie fodder, and they always feature helpless Catholic priests fighting against evil, always played by other Catholic priests who try to keep their secret hidden, or they exorcising demons or something like that. Tom Hanks is the man of course, and he will bring a world weariness to this role and a very bad haircut. Audrey Tatou is hot as anyone who has seen Amelie already knows. Ian Mckellen is a great villain. Duh. Have you seen him in X-Men or Gods and Monsters? This man knows how to bring the pain.
Bottom Line: A fun movie that will bring people swarming into church to ask their pastor questions about their faith. Churchgoers everywhere are shaking their heads, unless they are Democrats and then they are talking equality of beliefs. So, go see the movie anyway.
See No Evil: This movie stars the wrestler named Kane of the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) unfortunately he does not bodyslam or chokeslam anyone. What he does, and I can say this confidently from watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is chase down helpless Teenagers or College Age Kids who wandered who got lost in a small town while on their way to Florida to party it up and have sex. None of that will be happening for them, as Kane will viciously slaughter them with an assortment of farm equipment. Do you like blood and bad plots and worse one liners, and good looking young stars who scream and wonder what's going on a lot? If so, then you will like this movie. Everyone else will laugh at it and rent Spongebob Squarepants the movie instead.
X-Men 3: The original director of this movie bailed on the project to take on something he liked more for obviously less money, because believe me, this thing is going to make a killing. Of course, the special effects cost a lot so it needs to. Who will watch this movie? Almost everyone it has great actors (Ian Mckellen, Captain Picard, and Wolverine), great fight scenes, and dramatic importance and sweeping grandeur and lots of things blowing up and being hurled everywhere. I didn't realize that every X-Men story had to involve the government, but who cares, go this stupid movie and enjoy yourself.
Akeelah and the Bee: Laurence Fishburn does his Matrix-like mentor thing helping a young girl from the inner city overcome the struggles of being black and wanting to win a spelling bee. This is an actual good drama with themes of overcoming your circumstances and being all you can be. There will be tears and hugs and eventually a winner of a spelling bee. If you like a good cry, and a good story then Akeelah and the Bee is for you.
An American Haunting: Who doesn't love a good ghost story, especially one that has Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spasek acting scared out of their wits and trying to pull it together. I love the fact that it's a period piece too, because it adds more scares when there aren't a lot of neighbors nearby for support and of course no electricity. Scary. Scary movie. Special effects, probably not much gore, and chances are there's a catholic priest and some crosses thrown in also. I would watch this movie but its not for everyone, because it's clearly just not that great, or else I would have heard more about it.
Just My Luck: I'm embarassed how far Lindsay Lohan's boobs have taken her young career. Sadly, they won't take her too much further before she descends into doing bad television (see the Ghost Whisperer) where boobs and no acting ability have a much longer shelf life. I don't want to explain the plot of this one, except to say that it doesn't make sense and has disgusting sight gags. Lindsay Lohan is in nearly every scene which is enough to make frat boys who have had posters of her for many years (she's how old now...) go watch it anyway. Also her young fans who are quickly dissapearing and growing up will watch it also. The end is near for Lindsay Lohan. She needs a famous boyfriend and fast.
Mission Impossible 3: See my X-Men review minus the superpowers. Pretty much the same thing. Lots of spills, chills, sweat, excitement (the pulse gripping kind) and popcorn. Tom Cruise is now seen as a freak show but as he long as he turns out crap this he will stay on the top of the heap. Watch it.
Poseidon: A disaster movie that is truly a disaster. Kurt Russell plays the captain of the sinking ship in what I would have to call a "workmanlike" performance. People scream, some of them are rescued, and there's lots of water being thrown around in what will otherwise be a completely forgettable movie that will be shown on local television on Saturday afternoons 3 years from now all the time. This could have been filmed in the 70's and released now and no one would know the difference.
Scary Movie 4: Over the top sight gags, Leslie Nielson is really old but still funny, and they make fun of every scary movie of the last 2 years. The jokes are all retreads and very dumb, but you will laugh anyway. Only see it if you are prepared to completely humiliate yourself.
Over the Hedge: Dreamworks can do no wrong, and talking animals in CGI are red hot right now for some reason. Madagascar sucked but over the Hedge is clearly a fun movie. This is a date movie for guys who have girls who enjoy being a kid at heart. There's probably a fierce battle with the next door neighbor with the hedge clippers and the animals probably stage some desparate rescue of some trapped animal and make wisecracks along the way and chances are one of the animals is scared but one is a hero and convinces the others to come along with. Look, this is a funny movie if you can handle cartoon movies. If you can't, then you didn't need me to tell you to stay away.
The DaVinci Code: DID YOU CRACK THE CODE YET!!!! Movies that feature religious themes and deep dark hidden secrets are usually great movie fodder, and they always feature helpless Catholic priests fighting against evil, always played by other Catholic priests who try to keep their secret hidden, or they exorcising demons or something like that. Tom Hanks is the man of course, and he will bring a world weariness to this role and a very bad haircut. Audrey Tatou is hot as anyone who has seen Amelie already knows. Ian Mckellen is a great villain. Duh. Have you seen him in X-Men or Gods and Monsters? This man knows how to bring the pain.
Bottom Line: A fun movie that will bring people swarming into church to ask their pastor questions about their faith. Churchgoers everywhere are shaking their heads, unless they are Democrats and then they are talking equality of beliefs. So, go see the movie anyway.
See No Evil: This movie stars the wrestler named Kane of the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) unfortunately he does not bodyslam or chokeslam anyone. What he does, and I can say this confidently from watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is chase down helpless Teenagers or College Age Kids who wandered who got lost in a small town while on their way to Florida to party it up and have sex. None of that will be happening for them, as Kane will viciously slaughter them with an assortment of farm equipment. Do you like blood and bad plots and worse one liners, and good looking young stars who scream and wonder what's going on a lot? If so, then you will like this movie. Everyone else will laugh at it and rent Spongebob Squarepants the movie instead.
X-Men 3: The original director of this movie bailed on the project to take on something he liked more for obviously less money, because believe me, this thing is going to make a killing. Of course, the special effects cost a lot so it needs to. Who will watch this movie? Almost everyone it has great actors (Ian Mckellen, Captain Picard, and Wolverine), great fight scenes, and dramatic importance and sweeping grandeur and lots of things blowing up and being hurled everywhere. I didn't realize that every X-Men story had to involve the government, but who cares, go this stupid movie and enjoy yourself.
Akeelah and the Bee: Laurence Fishburn does his Matrix-like mentor thing helping a young girl from the inner city overcome the struggles of being black and wanting to win a spelling bee. This is an actual good drama with themes of overcoming your circumstances and being all you can be. There will be tears and hugs and eventually a winner of a spelling bee. If you like a good cry, and a good story then Akeelah and the Bee is for you.
An American Haunting: Who doesn't love a good ghost story, especially one that has Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spasek acting scared out of their wits and trying to pull it together. I love the fact that it's a period piece too, because it adds more scares when there aren't a lot of neighbors nearby for support and of course no electricity. Scary. Scary movie. Special effects, probably not much gore, and chances are there's a catholic priest and some crosses thrown in also. I would watch this movie but its not for everyone, because it's clearly just not that great, or else I would have heard more about it.
Just My Luck: I'm embarassed how far Lindsay Lohan's boobs have taken her young career. Sadly, they won't take her too much further before she descends into doing bad television (see the Ghost Whisperer) where boobs and no acting ability have a much longer shelf life. I don't want to explain the plot of this one, except to say that it doesn't make sense and has disgusting sight gags. Lindsay Lohan is in nearly every scene which is enough to make frat boys who have had posters of her for many years (she's how old now...) go watch it anyway. Also her young fans who are quickly dissapearing and growing up will watch it also. The end is near for Lindsay Lohan. She needs a famous boyfriend and fast.
Mission Impossible 3: See my X-Men review minus the superpowers. Pretty much the same thing. Lots of spills, chills, sweat, excitement (the pulse gripping kind) and popcorn. Tom Cruise is now seen as a freak show but as he long as he turns out crap this he will stay on the top of the heap. Watch it.
Poseidon: A disaster movie that is truly a disaster. Kurt Russell plays the captain of the sinking ship in what I would have to call a "workmanlike" performance. People scream, some of them are rescued, and there's lots of water being thrown around in what will otherwise be a completely forgettable movie that will be shown on local television on Saturday afternoons 3 years from now all the time. This could have been filmed in the 70's and released now and no one would know the difference.
Scary Movie 4: Over the top sight gags, Leslie Nielson is really old but still funny, and they make fun of every scary movie of the last 2 years. The jokes are all retreads and very dumb, but you will laugh anyway. Only see it if you are prepared to completely humiliate yourself.
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