Let Your Children Be Raised by Wolves

originally published in the Elizabethian February 2nd, 2015

Now that the #SuperBowl is over, we can get back to thinking about the most important thing in our lives – our children. Think about it. All throughout the night, the Superbowl sponsors were bombarding viewers with reminders of the power of Human Connection (Mcdonalds, Coke), the harm of simple words (Always), how proud we want to be of our children (Toyota, Microsoft), and, most importantly, how we want to protect them from an uncertain future (Nationwide, Nissan). And this was all before halftime!

Clearly America has gotten the message that the children are our future. We can teach them well and let them lead the way. But what’s the best way to lead them?

Terms like “helicopter parenting” and “free range parenting” are thrown around to describe popular parenting techniques picked up from decades of watching Oprah and reading Cosmo. These are parents who only want the best for their children and are certain they have the right idea. They want their kids to be safe, but their methods differ greatly.

The classic helicopter parent is always waiting for their kids at the bus stop five minutes before the bus arrives. A child of a helicopter parent will be the first kid in class to get a cell phone to call mommy or daddy to come pick them up if anything bad happens.

The free range parent movement advocates letting children walk long distances without a parent in sight. It is the polar opposite of the helicopter parent and believes strongly that leaving children alone to occupy themselves will lead to greater independence and foster a sense of belief in themselves.

Both sets of parents will no doubt find a lot to like with last night’s ads, which will no doubt leave them wanting to hold their children tighter than ever before or set them free and see how they can really fly.

Unfortunately, both of these parenting techniques are really missing the boat when it comes to the best way to grow a child in a safe and nurturing environment.

Much like the paleo movement of eating, which says that we should eat like our ancestors did, I believe that we should let our children be raised by wolves, just like nature intended!

A young boy or girl raised by a wolf would grow up strong and with a taste for meat! They would be able to overcome any obstacle set before them and might also have a nasty overbite. Look no further than the classic movie “Wolf” starring Jack Nicholson for an example of what happen if you piss off the child of a wolf in the office – you will get peed on, right in the office. Good luck explaining that to corporate without looking like a total stooge.

We all want our children to get ahead in life and lead with the pack, and what better way to teach them to climb the corporate ladder than watching the alpha wolf constantly fending off younger and stronger rivals?

Wolves don’t mess around when it comes to sissy infighting. They chew up and spit their opponent out and show them who’s boss!

Wolves can survive in bitter and harsh climates and have strong teeth. They can bite and hold on to you, and you will never see them coming. Have you seen the movie “The Grey” starring Liam Neeson? Exactly! Now you know what I’m talking about.

Wolves are always on the hunt for their next meal, always hungry, always on edge. Do I have to spell it out for you???? What better qualities could you possibly instill in a child?

Plus everyone knows that wolves are the life of the party, can dunk a basketball viciously, and make terrific lovers. Did you see “Teen Wolf” starring Michael J. Fox? Of course you damn well did! Seriously, you people are making me sick with rage right now.

I’m so hungry I want to tear your faces off, but now is not the right time. Later will be the right time when I can stalk you mercilessly and drag you off into the night where no one will ever find your shredded and disemboweled body.

Think of the children. Think of the precious gift you will be giving them – one that will sustain them through the rest of their natural lives.

Do it for them.