How To Get What You Want Without Really Trying

If you are reading this, then there are probably things you want and have been unable to get for some very good reasons. One of those reasons might be that getting things requires effort, sometimes a lot of effort. Sometimes the strain of trying to get said things is so taxing, people go crazy and eat microwave pizza instead of preparing a real meal for dinner. Trying to get things that you didn’t have before is sometimes called “dream-chasing”. Other times, as in the case of Hitler, it is called being a ruthless and maniacal dictator who will stop at nothing less than world domination regardless of his inability to grow a full mustache. It certainly hasn’t stopped former president George Bush from painting dogs over and over again, which means it shouldn’t stop you either! However, it probably will.

Let’s face it, what are the odds of you actually achieving your dreams of wealth, prosperity, and happiness? Probably very low. Does this mean that you should give up trying and devote your life to not getting fired, playing the lottery, and watching Netflix? Not unless you are immersing yourself in a film role, like Daniel Day-Lewis, by becoming the boring characters Jennifer Aniston plays in critically acclaimed films The Good Girl and Cake.

Now, what if I told you there was a proven method to always get exactly what you wanted without putting forth what could conceivably be called “effort”? Me and you and everyone we know would be lined up at my door or calling my hotline for 2.69 a minute or whatever you had to do to discover the secret to doing nothing and getting everything. Ironically, that amount of effort could actually be used towards, you know, doing something productive or whatnot.

It’s simple! All you have to do is click here for easy step-by-step instructions on manifesting whatever you want, need or desire. I know, I know! You’re saying to yourself “Hold on just a gosh darn minute! I don’t have time to watch an 11-minute video. I have things I need and the sooner I get them, the better. That is time I may never get back. In fact, if what I have heard about the theory of relativity is true, I will never actually be able to get back any time whatsoever, so this particular discussion is totally moot.”

Now, listen. As a random stranger writing to you on the Internet, I am imbued with all the power that can possibly be vested in me to explain the concept of manifesting. It’s true that if you Google the word, you’ll get a lot of helpful links like this one. However, I totally get it. You’ve got worlds to conquer and mustaches to grow, so what are you wasting any more of my time for? That last sentence was a little too meta, and I’m not quite sure of the intransitive properties necessary to figure out if that was a hypothetical reader talking to me or if it was from a hypothetical omniscient author talking to you (whomever you maybe).

Hey, if you want to actually work towards your goals, there are plenty of websites that will tell you how to do it. My advice? Don’t listen to them! It’s a bunch of worthless advice that you could pick up at the supermarket checkout aisle along with a Snickers bar. “Work hard. Make a Plan. Make a To-Do List. Plan Ahead. Zero in on your Target.” Does this sound like something you can actually do? Between making a list and checking it twice, I’m going to have a hard time figuring out who’s naughty and who is nice at being a pitchman for Gold Bond Foot Powder spray. The answer to this question is Shaquille O’Neal.

Obviously, if you want something really really really really really really really really really really bad enough, you’ll wish very hard for it, and it will happen. This is called manifesting, and I do it all the time. For instance, earlier today I manifested that this column would write itself, and here it is! You can’t argue with logic like that, and I don’t recommend that you do. Unless, of course, you are linking to this on Facebook, in which case arguing is an art form, and you will definitely be able to convince people that the religion they have based their entire life on is worthless because you have found the secret to prosperity and happiness.

Manifesting makes life easy! I manifested that my car would be paid off, and it is! I manifested that I would wake up in the morning and my sweet Lord did it ever happen! Manifesting gets me so excited that I end sentences with exclamation points when I don’t even have to!

So there you have it. Now that you have the key to lifelong happiness, you will surely surpass everyone else in luck, wisdom, intelligence and every other tangible measurement of worth on this planet. Now, you may be asking yourself “what if other people follow this same advice? Everyone else would manifest themselves to be awesome too and there can only be one.” Well, don’t think about that too much and focus on out-manifesting those other people, because that is the only way you’re going to stay ahead in the manifesting game. You’re going to have to spend a lot of time eating Cheetos and manifesting good health at the same time. Cheetos help you manifest, as does watching Oprah. How do you think she became the richest woman in the universe? Some people call her the richest woman on the planet when it is obvious to me that she has simply out-manifested every other woman in the known and unknown universe. Don’t believe me? Right now, she is manifesting that you will buy her magazine and download the HD version of Beloved, and if you don’t do it, you are letting her down as well as shattering your own manifestations, so hop to it!