You Know What I don't think?

I don't think this is all too much to ask for. A lot of other people have travelled this same road before with varying degrees of resistance. Maybe they were better looking or luckier or smarter than me or knew the right places to go.

But they did it. I'm sure it was hard for them. I know Harrison Ford spent 13 years as a carpenter before he got anywhere. I haven't even been here 2. Of course I did spend one summer as a carpenter. Man I was terrible at that.

So. I say my prayers. I take my vitamins. I eat my Wheaties. And every day I just duck my head under and plow straight on into the maoelstrem that is living in New York City on a wing and a prayer.

Cuz it's hard. It's damn hard. I need all the help and support and love I can get. Boy this thing sure isn't getting any easier. I feel like I'm pushing a boulder uphill.
But God told us to speak to that mountain and tell it to move out of the way. Maybe my voice is a little timid right now when talking to the boulder. I guess I've been a little polite to it. Perhaps I'm giving it more respect than it deserves.

You know when I look at those famous people on tv and the ones that aren't quite so famous, I come to realize that they're just people like you and me. People that got up and tried hard every day and didn't give up. They didn't give up.

They didn't give up.

I bet that mountain wasn't scared of them either.

God's got the whole world in his hands folks. We're all just a little piece of it in there. We've got to hold fast to what we believe in. What we hope for. What we dream.

We've got to believe in something. Belief in nothing is the quickest way to defeat to letting that boulder just roll over top of you and kill you deader than anything you can imagine.

But we're not the ones pushing it. God is. And he's got big hands.

So I'm asking everybody to pray for me. Not every day. I know that's too much to ask. I forget sometimes myself. But just you know, when you think about me.

I don't want to end up like this:

Rocket

hurtling….

soaring….

way off in space

leaving it all behind,

but just for a while,

emptiness abounds

leaving behind the human race

useless fragments of cargo entow

as it drops - released

to the earth far below

All normal thoughts and worries,

gone for a while.

A solitary passenger

A solitary smile.

DESTINATION - UNKNOWN

Then reality returns…

And all that remains,

is a burnt-out old man

in the blackened and charred husk

of a rocket that once was…

his dream.

copyright: Joshua Dudley 1997

Currently watching: The Astronaut Farmer

Is There Life on Mars?

So I just finished watching the Life Aquatic tonight.



It's one of my favorite movies. It's about a tremendous failure who sets off on a mission of revenge to kill a jaguar shark who may or may not exist and to gain the love of Ned who may be his son. Also he's a bit of a pompous ass and he may have no idea what he's doing.

It's the kind of movie that makes me sit back and reflect on my time here in New York. You know like: what does it all mean? Does it mean anything? Does any of this matter? Was this all just a cosmic mistake? Did I get my wires crossed? I mean am I really getting anywhere around here? Sometimes I just don't know.

I just set off on one adventure after the other chasing down the impossible dream and trying to lasso it in and ride to the shore. Maybe bring along a girl with me, but I always scare them off. I tend to stare I think. Probably because I'm scared. Except in the movies whatever character does that finds some sort of soul mate that understands him.

I sort of get it when Bill Murray says, "I just want to be remembered" He's lost confused, he's off his bearings. He lost his son and his best friend. Is it all worth it?

But what have I lost? I don't know. Nothing much really. I never really had much of anything. Just my charm and impeccable sense of humor which usually tends to rub people the wrong way. I don't even want to tell you how I scared this girl in Starbucks today trying to make her laugh. It didn't go over well.

In the end I guess. I just want things to turn out all right like some kind of fairy tale or happy movie and have me driving off into the sunset laughing with some upbeat music like the Rolling Stones playing in the background.

Maybe that'll never happen. Maybe that doesn't happen for anybody.

Maybe we just get glimpses of it. Come to think of it I have ridden off into the sunset laughing a lot of times with Pearl Jam playing so maybe that counts for something. I hope I finish this book. I hope people get my humour. I know I think its the greatest. My old stuff still makes me laugh after all these years.

I had her once and I lost her. I was too young and stupid to realize what I had. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out. At least that's what everyone says to make me feel better. I know everyone hates this "feelings" dribble that I write about sometimes.

But hey.

This is an adventure.