Adam Sandler, Can I Please Be in Your Movie?

just wrapped up the first night of my play "Saturday with the Georges" on Saturday night where I starred as George Bush. We brought the house down. We had a lot of laughs, and so many people told me afterwards how much they enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, none of those people were people that I know. So I ask you. What is wrong with you people?

It was part of a competition at the Strawberry Festival for one acts, and we got to the semi-finals which means we'll be doing it again on Tuesday and Wednesday.

therianttheatre.com 20 tickets 314 w 54th street manhattan. our first video can be viewed on their website (at least its supposed to be up now. it should be up tonight or tommorrow hopefully)

Also I had a meeting the other week with a real agent in New York who wants to use me because someone in her office saw my last play and she said I was good. Wow.

I have to get new headshots though. And I'm so broke that I'll be putting it on credit. ick. Oh well I'm thinking of it as an investment in my career which I hope isn't short lived. Thanks for all the prayers everyone.

Also I'm determined to write a new story every single week in order to finish a book. So here is my new story, it's called Can You Please Put Me in Your Movies?

Dear Adam Sandler:

I have just watched your film "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." It was awful. I have also seen "Click", "50 First Dates", "Big Daddy", "Little Nicky", "Happy Gilmore", "Mr. Deeds", "Billy Madison", "Happy Gilmore", and of course "The Waterboy".

They were of course also awful as well. However, each of these films are basically big dumb goofy fun with greatly varying amounts of dumbness, goofiness, or fun in each one, fart jokes notwithstanding.

In every single one you have a ridiculous plot device that you have to work through, like raising money to save your grandmother's house through winning golfing events, getting on the college football team that you are a water boy for, even you are severely mentally handicapped, making a woman with short term amnesia fall in love with you even though she can't remember you each day.

You have also managed to surround yourself with hot chicks and rocking 80's music in each one also, which is a testament to your prolonging your adolescence into your early 40's while making astronomical sums of money for movies which are so benign and repetitive that in an episode of South Park, Cartman disguises himself as a robot which on command spits out Adam Sandler plots which the movie executives declare will be huge successes.

I didn't initially feel the need to mention that in all of the aforementioned movies nearly all the characters are idiotic stereotypes that demean whatever people group they are intended to represent. But for your benefit, I thought I would point it out anyway in case you hadn't realized it as such.

Yes, I know you do a smattering of "serious" films and a few comedies which aren't entirely awful like "The Wedding Singer" and "Anger Management". In the first one you were saved by the presence of an actual script drove the story forward, and in the second by the enigmatic presence of Jack Nicholson himself. P.S. I do have "Reign over Me" in my Netflix queue.

But there is one thing more than anything that these films have in common – they all have the same "actors" in them. Every time I watch one of your movies and I see a character, I say to myself, "wasn't that the fat guy from Little Nicky?" or "I can't believe Adam Sandler has managed to keep Rob Schneider's career afloat all by himself."

In fact, sometimes it appears that the only reason that you do these movies other than to maintain enough of a public profile to do the next one is to hang out with your buddies all of whom don't seem to have any other acting jobs or careers other than to sit at home eating cheese doodles and waiting for the phone to ring to do your next picture.

I sort of picture them all as symbolized by Norm McDonald's character in Billy Madison where he just hung out by the pool, got drunk and high all day, and when you were at school trying to pass 1^st grade through 12^th grade he didn't even realize you were gone till he made a joke in your general direction and you didn't respond, causing him to turn around and utter the immortal words, "Hey where's Billy?"

I just want to state for the record that I have absolutely no problem with any of that. I would have no problem at all being just another nameless cadre in your pack of giggling buffoons who probably cannot maintain a straight face when you make another joke about queers or flatulence. It is one of my fondest wishes to be paid to goof off all day.

And I mean that. Real work is too much like work. Heck, even writing these coherent sentences is more of a chore than I would be doing if I was in your employ. Picking up the beer would probably be the most complicated task that would be required of me, and believe me; I have experience in that already so you're covered.

I would even let you beat me in poker. I mean why not – we'd be playing with your money away.

I would also order whoopee cushions on occasion and bandy about dumb remarks about any random person that I think might be entertaining.

Some people might complain that your films already have too many nameless buffoons taking up space in them, but I'm sure you have room for one more. So please Mr. Sandler, I beg of you.

Can you please put me in your movies? I'll bring the bag of flaming poop