First Chapter and News

Hey everyone, your favorite Future Superstar is currently dealing with a severe emotional blow from a lady and so has been thrown at a loss for what to write today. However, I did want to let you know that I have been working steadily on The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots and I have decided to make the intro to the book available for your perusal.

We'll get to that in a second, but first some news

My First On-Air Commercial!

Okay, it's only a regional spot, but I can actually be seen for a good second onscreen in this commercial for Koons Toyota which is shown in the Maryland, and Washington D.C. area. Click here to view it in all its glorious color! I tried to get a screenshot but I fear that my nerd skills may have waned a bit since turning 30.

And now the moment that you've all been waiting for...

The intro chapter to The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots!

The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots

Warning: If you are reading this, it does not necessarily mean that you are not an idiot.

Of course it does not altogether disqualify you from being one either. Of most native readers of the English language, the ability to read and understand complete sentences like this one is actually attained at quite a young age and it can actually be said with some certainty that this ability does not make one any more or any less of an idiot. There are still many idiots with us after the completion of elementary school. Strangely enough, there are far more idiots in the world after receiving a high school diploma than there were before. Stranger still, there exist quite a good many idiots out there in the world with a college degree. Shockingly, even the possession of a masters or doctorate does not exclude one from this very real and grave possibility.

The sad truth is that no amount of education in the world can stifle or prevent idiot tendencies completely. This is because idiot tendencies by their very nature are inborn, making them utterly and horribly inescapable. From the time of conception on up till when death locks us in its icy jaws we are all imprinted with the genetic material to say or do things of incredible stupidity. This is called “higher intelligence”.

Animals do not have higher intelligence, so clearly they must have “lower intelligence”. They also have very few things in their life to juggle, mainly just eating and sleeping and looking out for anyone bigger than them who might want to eat them. Additionally their comprehension skills are severely limited, so not only do they not know what they are looking at most of the time, it never crosses their mind to wonder what it might be anyway.

These are just some of the reasons why animals are seldom seen engaging in random acts of idiocy. Squirrels falling out of trees, and birds running into windowpanes would be among the few examples. Animals have such a limited scope of things to do that they very seldom screw up in an obvious way that makes them look ridiculous to onlookers. People on the other hand with their “higher intelligence” have such a broad scope of tasks to perform in life because of what they should know, and because of the capacity they have for performing tasks, that the chances of them doing something ridiculous at any given moment are incredibly high.

This is basically what defines an idiot; it is someone who screws up in either small or monumentally large ways. Normally there have to be other people around to notice it and think to themselves, “God what an idiot.”

It kind of reminds me of the old adage if an accountant screws up in a small office by himself and no one sees it, is he an idiot?

Can you be an idiot with no one watching?

How much of an idiot can you be with other people watching you?

This is what this book is about. It’s about people doing dumb, ridiculous things when they should know how to do those things.

A lot of you reading this right now might say that this book can’t possibly be about you. After all, you have a good job with a steady source of income, providing you with enough free time to read a book as ridiculous as this one. Also, you are very smart and always know what you’re doing at all times, and you always fill out the right forms, and dot all your t’s and cross all your I’s.

If this is indeed the case, then I might hazard a guess that this book may be very helpful to you indeed, because after all, if you’re reading this, then you just may be an idiot.