Pat Robertson isn't part of the U.S. Government?



The world of the news moves very quickly. In the time it took me to tell you that, my statements have probably already been made irrelevant by some new news I wasn't aware of, or some rampaging blogger out there posting pictures of his cat.

Usually what happens is that some event occurs which seems so crazy to the newshounds at fox, cbs, clearchannel, vh1, mtvsucks.com, etc that they all post the initial story on the event which always for some reason comes from the Associated Press. They're always first on top of the story which makes me wonder if they are listening to this broadcast right now. Wait what's that? Do I hear agents on the roof?

Sorry, false alarm. It was an errant pinecone. I'm in pinecone country out here in Seaford. You could say that if pinecones grew on trees, then I'd be rich. And If I was rich I'd figure out a way to live off the pinecones and mass produce them, and ship them to bolivia.

So, the most recent major news story after Cindy Sheehan, the war mother camping out to meet President Bush, is about some comments that Pat Robertson made on the 700 Club about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez whom he accuses of spreading Communism and Islam.

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it," said Robertson on Monday's program. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Despite the fact that I thought that no one actually watched the 700 Club, it seems clear to me that some infidels watch this show unceasingly looking for some chink in the obviously unpenetrable armor of Pat Robertson.

Chavez: Has Pat Robertson on the 700 club said anything that was a criminal act lately senor?
Second in Command: Yes your most honored excellency. Pat Robertson of the 700 Club said that the dirty pig dog Americans should kill you.
Chavez: Excellent, now I can raise the price of gas again. I win! I always win! MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAA!

The second in command went on to demand that the United States punish Pat Robertson of the 700 Club for his "criminal actions".

Correct me if I'm wrong, but even though Pat Robertson ran for President in 1998, he isn't actually part of the United States government, so it seems a little bit wierd that the State Department had to issue a statement denying any involvement with any plot that Pat Robertson of the 700 Club may or not have been cooking up involving assassinating the Venezuelan Presidente Chavez.

Was the second in command completely ignorant of the rules of this country? I imagine that in Venezuela, anyone caught uttering ideas about how the Lord Chavez should be murdered would summarily be taken out in the street and flogged just to tease them, and then shot to death.

Sadly, I think the price of oil had something to do with it. I have no doubt that it will jump up 3 cents today because of that. Or heck, maybe it's because terrorists are destroying the oil fields in Iraq, hey, one or the other.

* For those who came in late: Venezuela supplies 10% of the United State's oil supply. That's like a gazillion barrels of crude oil every day and stuff. Which is why everyone in America should buy a Hummer.

Pat Robertson of the 700 Club Responds

After the initial hubbub surfaced, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club claimed that he was taken out of context. Perhaps, he speculated, he was only speaking of kidnapping his majestic self hail Chavez! It is possible, that he might something else entirely, but he was unable to recall.

The High Overlord Chavez Responds
The kind and generous master of Venezuela Hugo Chavez showed he was capable of turning the other cheek and showing how much better he was than Pat Robertson of the 700 Club. Oh the insanity! What would Pat Robertson of the 700 Club possibly do next???

Pat Robertson of the 700 Club Responds Again
Not one to be oneupped, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club told the press that he wasn't mistaken, and yeah that they oughta take out that fat slug Hugo Chavez.

That was an exact quote, and a fitting end to this story which has commenced at exactly the same time that the news cycle has already forgotten about it, since it was really completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I thank you, and good night.

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