Seriously This is Hot Stuff!

Friday, August 19, 2005

I was freekin fired Bob!

Recapping our last post, I had just returned from 3 days on a television shoot, when upon arriving back at work in the morning, I quickly discovered that something was wrong. I realized this right away when my normally smile bearing manager Amber told me with a frown, "Hey Josh come here to the office. I need to talk to you about something." This was seriously going to be a talk about something, and I have never liked those talks about "something", because usually it turns out to be "something" that I don't like.

This sort of talk occurs with some frequency to me, and it's usually when I've done something screwy that someone doesn't like, that I wasn't aware of. Like when I was at Elim Bible Institute in Lima, New York; I was always doing something that somebody just didn't like. I never knew what it was exactly, but I came to dread those little white envelopes that would appear at my doorstep with some regularity that year, informing me that unbeknownst to me, I had committed some infraction and perhaps some punishment to fit the crime would be meted out. I mean, how was I supposed to know that it was a bad idea to start at what for everyone else was the opposite end of the lunch line? There was only like one other person in the line, so it didn't really look like I was cutting off anyone. It sure seemed like a bad idea to this obese hogbeast of a dorm monitor that informed me, "Josh, you're at the wrong end of the line." "Well", I calmly informed her, "Perhaps everyone else is at the wrong end of the line."

This line of thinking didn't sit too well with the dark council so I was banished to my room for a week except for meals, class, and the bathroom. During this time, there occurred the largest snowball fight in recorded history on the lawn of the school between approximately 200 students and a gopher. I could only watch in not so mock agony from my bedroom window. It was one of the worst moments of my life, however I did save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to that company that sells car insurance. Later the gopher appeared on Oprah to tell his side of the story.

But going back to jobs, it seems very clear to me that I am quite suited for getting fired from a number of jobs, simply because they don't list explicitly what it is exactly that you can get fired for. This means that the term "inappropriate behavior" can have a host of unexpected uses. One of these uses could be you, and you too could wind up fired. Do you like to do handstands in the hallway? I don't know, could it be...hmmmm...INNAPROPRIATE??? How about telling your boss that you like him a lot better than you like that bad movie, and he doesn't take it so well. Is that inappropriate? No, but it sure is funny, and your boss will never look at you the same way again.

Alright so some of you may have realized that there was a story going on back there someplace that I never quite finished and you may have either wondered what was happening, or you were too busy reading about gophers. Never fear friends, I may stray, I may wander, but I will never completely abandon an amusing tale I tell in my blog!

Back to the Amusing Tale of Getting Fired

So, I followed Amber back to the office, and she closed the door, looked at me one last time with those sweet puppy dog eyes of hers and said, "Josh they want me to let you go. Some customers called in and said you were leering at their daughter and told her that she was a dumb blonde." Then Amber hugged me and said, "I can't let you work today; you'll have to talk to John in the morning." I appreciate mixed messages as much as the next fellow, so I politely returned tomorrow, expecting pretty much to have my job re-instated, but not before I tell what really happened with the customers. The real funny part of this story is that I have told this so many times in real life that it will probably be boring to like 50% of you reading this right now. For that 50% I do apologize. For the other 50% you should probably pay me for your amusement. I accept personal checks, just please don't write your name in pencil.

The Story

This family of 2 parents, a son, and a twenty something daughter with perfect blonde hair and a pink dress came into Ruby Tuesday last week. Every time I asked the family a question, the dad would sort of mumble and the daughter would end up answering the question for her dad.

Me: Would you guys like something to drink?
Dad: Well, I ..uh. that is...what do you? know
Girl in Pink: Daddy you always get a coke.
(turning to me)
Girl in Pink: He'll have a coke.

So I thought that was just precious and so I thought I would charm her, and impress the family at the same time by saying:

Me: Are you studying to be a lawyer? You know doing that legally blonde thing?
Girl in Pink: No.

HAHAHHAHA. So I laughed nervously, went on my way and didn't think a thing about it, until of course it was described to me later with details changed to make it sound bad.

Returning Once Again to the Amusing Tale of me Getting Fired

So the next morning, I happily arrived at the restaurant, at the location that I had previously described as "work". My store GM, John Gorman, was there and as soon as he saw me he said, "Dood there's no point in talking to me. You'll have to call Craig, here's his number." Craig is John's boss and he leaves his phone number on every table in the restaurant, because business is so bad, that one of his strategies for getting business to improve is apparently to fire anyone should anyone call up and complain about something. Obviously, this is what he did to me. I have yet to investigate to determine whether or not profits have improved or not. More on this next week.

So after ducking me for a day, Craig finally returned my phone calls and after a couple of normal boss to incredible underling tete a tete's involving me asking Craig where we should meet to talk, and Craig sort of muttering something under his breath, Craig finally grew some and told me, "Well we probably shouldn't meet because we won't change our mind about this." Obviously this stopped my conversation dead in my tracks, and it was all I could do to not stammer a quick end to the talk. So I asked him a few more exploratory questions, and these were met with hammer like blows to my best efforts. Naturally Craig wished me good luck and a happy termination. I'm not normally a vindictive sort of person, but I pray that he's slightly less happy and smug tomorrow than he normally is.

This whole sordid incident could have been put behind me already, and I probably could have already had a job someplace else if they had just called me, instead of giving me the run around, but then again, that's why there are bumper stickers that say "Work Sucks".