The worst thing of all time

A true disaster has befallen your future superstar. Please allow me to relay these events exactly as they happened so that I do not soften the blow in any way.

okay.

god im gonna be sick.

i just know it.

Yesterday, on July 21st, 2005 in the first turn of the solar equinox in the lunar galaxy, etc. etc., dot dot dot. A guy named Bryan called me from Central Casting, my talent agent in Washington D.C., he asked me if I had any stand-in experience. I didn't know what he was talking about. I thought he was referring to extra work or something, so I said I did not. Then he said that's too bad because Michael Douglas' people wanted someone with experience.

WHAAAT!!!!!

My throat was in my mouth.

or something like that.

"Wait a second. Why didn't I just lie like everyone else in Hollywood that got started?"

"Well...if you said yes you would have had to fax me a list of stand-in credits."

"um. How much experience could standing in for someone really require?"

"Well...I know it doesn't seem like much, but we'll have more stand-in work this summer."

-click-

that is officially the worst professional thing that has ever happened to me. It's like opening a winning sweepstakes ticket for a contest then remembering you work for the company already, so you're not eligible.

How cruel can life be?


...

In other news I just melted a plastic container filled with my pasta from last night. I'm pretty upset over that. It used to be good pasta like yesterday, but then when i bit into it, it had that rotten plastic smell which won't get you over anywhere.

What happened was I was asking my mom about how I should re-heat this pasta to be good since I know how insane she gets about the evil's of the microwave, and she was running outside to work on plants and she mumbled something about putting it in a ceramic container in the toaster oven for five minutes.

This would be fine if I had remembered what ceramics were. You'd think that would be something that you would get from your mom sometime growing up in life, just like I played catch with my dad. But no. So I go outside to make a phone call and come back in and I look like an idiot because there's a melted pasta container in the toaster oven that I thought was ceramic, whatever that is, some type of glass...?

I've really been having a blogger of a time too lately, always waking up tired, being semi-depressed, thinking about Pauly Shore too much, etc. And I traced it all to the fact that I just don't eat enough. This wouldn't be a problem except that I'm cheap and I'm trying to save money so I have nearly eliminated all fast food spending and it's hard to find food that I consider normal at our house.

I would buy food except that I think since my mom doesn't work outside the house she can at least make food??? Don't get me wrong. I like food. I just happen to need more of it that doesn't involve squash or elaborate salad mixes.

So my mom comes in and makes a big fuss about the burnt "plastic" and then says "Anyone would know that you don't put plastic in there!" Way to go mom. Thanks a lot.

Last week I wanted to make omelettes, but I never have before. So naturally I was about to turn to the same source of information that even Malaysian kids turn to now when they want to find out something - the Internet. But my mom quickly intercepted me and told me she'd show me how. Somehow it didn't turn out right though. She claims it was my dad's interference with the temperature during the burning of the green peppers, but I think I know otherwise.

Ahh the Internet, you're the only one I can trust.

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Additionally, I'm transcribing a conversation that occurred 2 days ago between me and the super hot girl at work. This was mentioned in a previous blog and was promised to my readers as a reward for being faithful. So then:

Just for a point of reference, I usually ignore most new people when they come in to work at the restaurant because of how volatile the industry is. You never know when someone shows up if they're going to stick around for a while.

So, when this particular girl showed up I didn't give her the time of day despite the fact that it looked like she had just won the Miss Hawaii Bikini Tropic Contest.

It also didn't help that I thought she was a she-devil and could replace Elizabeth Hurley in the sequel to Bedazzled if there ever was one.

So, with all that being said here is the now infamous conversation (edited carefully to push the tone along quicker than what really happened) that literally occurred out of nowhere while I was at work. Please note the similarities in tone to old 80's sex comedies like Porkies.

HG(Hot Girl): So Josh do you have a girlfriend?

Me (thoroughly confused): no..

HG (not even looking up): Do you want one?

Me (almost scared): Yeah

HG: (cooly blinking an eye now) What do you look for in a girlfriend?

Me: She has to laugh at my jokes and be nice.

HG: (probing for information) well that doesn't seem like so much.

Me: It's more than you think. I use intelligent humor so she has to be smart.

HG: That's it? She doesn't have to look a certain way?

Me: (stammering) well yeah

HG: Would you consider dating anyone at work?

Me: Maybe....

Whew fortunately I was interrupted at exactly that point by my manager, this big motivational speaker type, who started laying into us about how we needed to get more excited for our customers.

Man. It was nuts and that was just the edited version. The real thing was like twice as long.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

Is she.

A) blown away that I'm not falling all over her like every other guy she knows and so it turns her on?

B) Attracted to me because she finds me Geek Chic which apparently is popular now what with Napoleon Dynamite and all.

C) Just setting me up for a more embarrassed friend who likes me?

What do you guys think?

Fire Away!