Car Sales

This article was originally intended to be the final post of the Joshua Dudley fan club, however as of this reading, due to the incredible ease of use of the blog over a webpage, everything new written by future superstar Joshua Dudley will go up on the blog.

I’m sure that a lot of people reading this article have bought cars before and may have a negative opinion of the whole business. Of course it’s also possible that you may have tried to put a hex on your mailman when he doesn’t show up with your mail at 11:30 sharp in the A.M. But hey, I’m not here to judge anyone, but as a qualified car salesmen who worked at two different car dealerships, I feel that it is almost my duty to guide you, my readership through the ins and outs of all that is unholy and fraught with peril. I refer of course to the finance manager who can make you squirm in your seat or pass out as he tries to squeeze two thousand more dollars out of you on your car purchase then you originally thought. But don’t worry, it’s only money, and its not like you needed it anyway. I mean come on why else would you have gone to the car dealership anyway? Was it because you were “only looking”?

I love the phrase that car shoppers give to car salesmen on a daily basis. I’m just looking they’ll almost scream at the car salesmen who’s trying to make a fast buck while they’re lusting over the new Toyota Corolla and thinking about their piece of junk car that has engine problems and they’re wondering how they can pawn it off on the dealership without them knowing. “I’m just looking” is like a giant emotionless defense shield that the prospective salesman has to overcome. Anyone who says that they are just looking obviously hates people and has developed a pattern over the years of hating anyone who tries to come between them and their precious greenbacks. These are the same type of people that scream at telemarketers and shout “Take me off your G.D. LIST! I HATE YOU AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

I’m of course not suggesting that anyone reading this is or has ever displayed any personality traits like that of course. After all, you might be bigger than me, and could find out where I live.

Clearly it is the salesmen’s job to enable you to part with your money in someway and leave in a car that you did not arrive in, and as long as you understand that then you at least have an average modicum of intelligence, and you should feel free to keep reading on, and skip over any big words that you don’t understand.

Have you ever wondered how an average day goes by for car salesmen? I haven’t either; I make it a habit not to think too hard about people’s lives that involve jobs that I would dislike. But fortunately I have lived that life and I couldn’t stand it, and now I will relate it to you the reader for your personal amusement.

- Arrive at work at 9:00 in the morning or if I feel like it, 9:03. If feeling frisky, 9:05 is a preferred time to roll in to the morning meeting and complain about “all that traffic”

- 9:30 (or possibly 9:45) the morning meeting is over and the salesmen have all left feeling upbeat, vivacious, and have been given a new lease on life. Possible topics that have been discussed are: productivity, lack of productivity, who exactly cares about their productivity, why aren’t we producing more than so and so store, and naturally, ways to be more productive. Many of these ways involve your “free time” at work which is really company time but don’t worry you aren’t being paid too much for it.

- 10:00 – 11:30 wonder aloud how long you should wait before going on lunch break while discussing with your fellow salesmen about that tv show last night that you like. You know which one I’m talking about.

- 11:45 The manager tells you guys to “stop congregating”

- 12:00 Think about going to Arby’s for a roast beef sandwich on some kind of bread. Are just about to get in your car when a prospective customer appears on the lot. After excitedly driving them around town in “their new car” and discussing with them all the intangible benefits that they couldn’t possibly understand about why they should get a new car and why they can afford it, their credit is run by the manager and it is discovered that their credit has sunk so low that no one can even pick it up off the floor.

- 12:10 You politely and in so many words thank the customer for wasting your time and remind them that you will be “in touch” and that they do not need to call you to find out the good news because you will definitely be calling them.

- 12:15 While driving to Arby’s you think to yourself “what am I doing in the car business? My dad said I should get into real estate or be a doctor or a lawyer and here I am hustling cars 50 some hours a week?”

- 12:20 – 12:45 The Arby’s roast beef sandwich was delicious

- 1:00 – 2:00 “Walk” the lot. This is a specific industry term that means basically to pace around aimlessly in and around the inventory of cars for sale hoping against hope that an actual customer will step on the lot at which point you must intercept him, greet him with the appropriate fake smile, introduce yourself, give him one of your business cards, ask him which car he would like to buy, and then try to figure out why he is running back to his car.

- 3:00 – 4:00 Scoping out the garage. The garage is where people go when cars don’t work anymore, so it only makes perfect sense that this is where they would be the most vulnerable about buying a new one. A conversation could go something like this. “Hey Bob, I see you’ve got a piece of junk over there with a broken axle that’ll set you back at least $1500 dollars to fix, or I could put you in this brand new “car” for only “x” dollars, where x is always slightly higher than was originally quoted. Which would you prefer Bob, to go around wondering when your piece of junk is going to break down again, or you could be living the good life and driving a new car that is certified with a warranty list backed by America. It’s really up to you Bob. You’re always going to be paying for a car, why not pay for something that you like?”

- 5:00 – 6:00 Peruse Auto Trader and the daily newspaper at your desk with a 20 ounce bottle of Coca Cola while trying to figure out why McDonalds doesn’t deliver anymore.

- 7:00 – 8:00 A customer, of all things, steps onto the lot who actually wants to purchase a car. You busily show him all the inner workings of the car and explain with a serious look on your face “the cool features” and why he has to have them.

- 9:00 – 9:30 As another satisfied customer leaves contented you think to yourself “Man, this is the greatest job in the world.”


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