My grandfather is dead

i'm currently 2 hours removed from leaving the visitation for my grandfather and im feeling a lot of emotions and feel the need to share them somehow and im hoping in some wierd way writing a blog will help. 

I didnt think i would be sad when he died but i am.

he didnt ever express his love for me in many ways. He certainly never said i love you and if he had he would have put quotation marks around it im sure.

all day long my aunt was putting together information about him that she thought people should know like about what volleyball team he was on in the 70's, stuff like that.

Some family members came and they started talking about football and the new iphone as if this was any normal family event.

I guess i wanted people to sit around and tell stories about him. He was 94. There must have some story about him! Right? There had to be something.

I dont really have a story about him and i guess that's why i'm sad. Im missing the time that we didnt have together because  i never knew how to talk to him and he never picked me up from school or wanted to do anything with me as a kid or ever.

I want it to mean something. In a real way it represents my greater enui in wanting life to mean something.

Is life all about just having fun or is it about shared experiences and building memories?

lately i just feel like im building memories only for myself in new york.

If all i do is work and work and work, what the heck am i doing there? 

Thats why i went and did stand up at an open mic the other night. I really had to get some stuff out

If im just running on a treadmill in new york then i need to find a way to get off it or leave.

This is a picture of my mom and my aunt doing final preparations for his estate.