Breaking News! Derrick Rose retires from the NBA

 In a surprise announcement Chicago Bulls Star Derrick Rose announced today his retirement from the game of basketball. The official announcement came during a break from a team scrimmage which his team was handily winning and during which he punctuated with a series of emphatic one handed dunks yelling to his downed foes - "I'm back!"

He explained that he was simply not mentally or emotionally ready to continue playing the game of basketball and never would be, and to continue to cheat the fans and the team by pretending otherwise was simply a distraction to his teammates many of whom are injured; like Luol Deng who told the coach he might be able to play a few minutes tonight against the defending champion Miami Heat in the playoffs if it would help the team.

"I'm simply trying to do what's best for everyone" Derrick continued. "My team is in the midst of a very important series against the Miami Heat and as long as they hold out the hope that I might be coming back to save them; I'm nothing but a distraction which is the last thing they need against a team that dominant.

"Now if you'll excuse me" he said, "I have to finish up this thing, I'm just crushing Kirk Heinrich right now. The guy can barely stand up and he wants to come back this week and get tossed to the ground like Lebron James did to Nazr Mohammed. What's he thinking?"

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