I Hate NY#5 - I'm Not Coming to Your Event


Everything in NY is based around events. People are always asking you to go to this event or that event. All the papers and magazines like TimeoutNY or AMNY or the Metro are advertising the latest cool thing that you should be going to tonight or tomorrow night because chances are you don't have a group of friends that just sits around and does random shit together like go to Starbucks or watch a movie.

Everyone here seems to think that's boring.

All you have to do is walk outside even and you'll see posters up advertising Mexican Wrestling and Tacos, or a HOT97 concert in the park, or a reading at Barnes and Noble by a popular author or comedian that you didn't even know was an author.

In fact, everyone you know in NY is dying to invite you to their latest event or thing that they are no doubt a part of.

If you don't know someone that doesn't want you to come to their comedy show of some sort, musical concert, poetry reading, kung fu class, or theater piece, then you are likely not even trying to meet anyone and are at home playing Left 4 Dead 2 multiplayer and trying to rack up achievements on your XBOX 360 leaderboard.

On any given Thursday night for instance, I have my pick of 3 different comedy shows that start at 9pm with or starring people i know in them.

For most of those people the routine of shitty job during the day practice practice practice perform perform perform at night is their entire life and the reason they have willingly put off any hopes of a family, steady income, and a yard.

I guess I have to applaud them and all their hard work and I hope that they one day get a regular part on a comedy central program or a gig on Broadway.

But I just hate going to events by myself.

Even at those shows where I know people, I'm just a willing audience member until about 1130 when its Miller time and I like to get up at 7 and do Kung Fu.

Events are how people connect here. (on the train) Hey do you know so and so? yeah she's in my improv class! Unless you agree to go said improv class or show it's see you later when its your stop.

Woman always shield themselves from strange men propositioning them, and here in NY, events are just one more layer of protection for them to hide their no doubt freeky side behind.

Woman in NY don't want to give a guy they just met randomly their number to meet them for coffee or drinks because there is a chance that it could go horribly wrong. The guy could be super boring, or not as attractive as was remembered, or keep pet fancy rats at home.

But meet a woman at an event where there are people that you may perhaps both know, and drinks will be involved, followed by cigarettes, then out to a diner with her "ingroup" for coffee, then followed maybe by her number, an invitation to add her on facebook, and an invite to their next event.

This is only the first step in the initiation, you should not possibly think that you have arrived at the circle of trust yet. Do not dare call this girl up during week and ask her to do something else because she has rehearsal that night and does not have time for you.

In fact you may have to go to several of these events whether you like it or not just to get an actual date or a night of drunken ramblings followed 5 hours later by "oh shit i have to go to work"

I recently sat next to a girl on the subway reading a Conan the Barbarian book by the original author Robert E Howard, and needless to say my nerd arousal button was peeked and a casual conversation was soon struck up about Conan which led to her working with Latex and the character Baroness from GIJOE and finally ...of course to the Star Trek improv group that she does lights for Start Trekkin.

Yes, I was asked if I was going to Comic Con this weekend and implicit in this question was the fact that her group was performing there. Sadly I have to go to a wedding this weekend or else I would be there taking pictures with Wookies no doubt.

It appears I have to wait till next Saturday August 16th to find out whether or not I have the chance to...go back to several more performances before I find out if I have a chance or not with the nerd girl of my dreams.

Clearly the second half of this column has been written from a man's perspective. If you are a woman reading this and trying to process how the so called comedy stylings depicted here represent you in any way, just try to ask yourself if you have ever invited me to any events.


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