Hawaii to spread joy by getting rid of Poverty!

In a convoluted story just released yesterday by CNN.com, several things were revealed.

A) Hawaii has nearly reached maximum capacity of the amount of tourists that they would like to have.

B) Hawaii would like to keep the same amount of tourists that they have now.

C) However they would like the tourist base to have a lot more money.

D) "A rich person that throws their money away on expensive room service, oil rubdowns every night, and guided trips of volcanoes while hangliding or snorkeling" is now un P.C. according to Hawaii's tourist board and has been replaced with the phrase "activity seeking tourist."

E) If more people came to Hawaii, then everyone would not be able to appreciate the "Aloha Spirit" which is not translated in the article, but which I have bothered to look up for you. It refers to the New Agey kind of energy of good will where everyone puts all their thoughts and actions to good will and harmony results. These are the same kind of people that freek me out by always talking about karma, and energy, and balance. Also some of these people take a lot of mind altering substances. It's because the harmony of nature and you with it becomes more real that way. And that's the only reason. I know when I sit around with a rolled up fattie and all my friends that look like they're from a public awareness commercial that's the only reason I do it.
It's just to maintain the balance man. That's all I wanna do okay!


The article posits itself as a straight news piece, indeed it's from the Associated Press - your trusted news source for all things newsworthy since the news began. Without the Associated Press, it's safe to say that we wouldn't know anything about squat outside of our backwards little communities that we live in while carving bird feeders by hand out of melon ballers. It's not as easy as it looks either.

However the article takes on a surprisingly snarky (but subtle) tone when it says this, "Hawaii's target market is shifting towards "activity seeking travelers" -- rich people who golf, spend hours in a spa, island-hop and can afford the overpriced snacks inside the hotel's mini bar." I have a feeling that when Rex Johnson, President and Chief executive officer of the Hawaii Tourism Authority, sat down for the interview for this article, he wouldn't have consented if he'd known that his mini bar snacks were going to be called "overpriced." You didn't quote me on the mini bar! Rex would have screamed. Don't you know that those snacks are the highest quality refreshment for our very special guests, the activity seeking travelers, and I'm very upset right now. I can hardly breathe. Can someone please get me some guava juice and one of those squeeze balls that release tension?

Barry Wallace, executive vice president for hotel operator Outrigger Enterprises concurs when he says that, "Our initiative has been to focus on the very best guests - the ones who will take advantage of activities and other amenities that we have to offer. That's been the focus of our marketing for the last 2 years, and it certainly will be from this point forward."

I don't know about you, but I could almost feel Barry's saliva glands operating as he smelled all that money coming in. In fact I have this image in my head of him giving that interview while shining a tourist's shoe with a hundred dollar bill. Can you picture that? Go ahead. Do it right now. I'm serious.

All right. Now that we're all on the same page I would like to point out how Barry shot himself in the foot. That's a cliche' that means essentially that Barry possibly sabotaged what he was trying so hard to promote with that interview. This was because he described rich tourists as "the very best guests", this of course would imply that middle class tourists would be the worst guests and that he doesn't want them around. This is nearly on the same level as Ross Perot's classic gaffe where he addressed a gathering crowd as "you people" except that it's in a fluff piece on the marketing of Hawaii which I can't believe is on a national news page, and the writer of the article is probably embarassed by it and is fortunate that his name isn't attached to something so mundane.

The rest of the article is likely summarizing a long interview citing facts and figures about Hawaii's recent tourism industry. There's also a quote about the Aloha spirit which is sort of disjointed and I can't quite understand what is meant to have been said. Maybe one of my lucky readers can figure it out. Here's the quote from our pal Rex Johnson retyped verbatim, "if we lose this thing called "aloha", we're just like any sand-and-surf destination. I don't believe we can afford to go there." Rex is clearly a marketer at the top of his game and I salute him. To read more about corporate speak, and its fascinating uses, go here, it's an archived article from the old Joshua Dudley fan club.

Wrapping it Up

Chances are that some of you noticed the picture at top of the article. I congratulate your cognative skills. You may have wondered what the heck the picture was all about. Honestly, I just wanted to create the spirit of hawaii and I was having a hard time looking up pictures of Hawaii girls without getting porn So I settled on a classic picture of Elvis from his historic 1961 movie Blue Hawaii. Enjoy.