I should have been getting coffee for Michael Douglas or How I was pimped out by honesty




I'm still recovering from my near stroke of almost being near humongous fame. However, I have not yet recovered the near heat stroke of being alive in 100-degree weather. Seriously, the human body was not conditioned for temperatures in triple digits. Did you know you can cook eggs in that heat? Just imagine what it does to your brain when it's on drugs.

Okay, enough small talk type jokes. It's time to talk about what all of you I'm sure want to talk about, and that is obviously Michael Douglas. To recap from the previous article referring to what will now for all time be called "The Michael Douglas Incident", my agent called and gave me the opportunity to do stand in work, the only problem being that I wasn't sure what stand in work was. This despite the fact that I have spent literally thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in acting classes and not one time did they mention stand in work. Oh sure, they talked lots about commercials, and extra work, and getting the part of the best friend. All that stuff - consider it covered. But yet somehow I wasn't prepared to do stand in work, and you know, no big deal Michael Douglas' people wanted someone that had done stand in work.

I'm sure some of you reading this aren't quite sure what it is either so let me explain. I would have been dressed in the same outfit that Michael Douglas was, so when he had to step out to take a number 2, or when he just didn't feel like standing there with his back to the camera for one scene I would have stood there in his place. Then in the next political thriller, you would have said to your friends smugly, "That's Joshua Dudley's back you know." Yeah, you would have known more than those punks watching the movie that's for sure. You would have told em alright.

So I have spent the last several days freeking out about and going over hypothetical situations and conversations we would have had in my mind. Here's a sampling of a few of them:

Mike Douglas: Hey Dudley, I'm Michael Douglas why don't you go get me some coffee and I'll tell you about the first time I saw Catherine Zeta.
Me: Yes sir Mr. Douglas.

Mike Douglas: Dudley, did you know that me and my family are worth $500 million dollars? I could f-in own you.
Me: Michael Douglas, I did not know that. Would you like another bag of Cheetos?
Mike Douglas: Yes Dudley, I would. I like Cheetos, and by the way, did you know that I was in Wall Street?
Me: Michael Douglas, I loved you in Wall Street.

And then later Michael Douglas would have invited me back to his trailer for a few drinks. Over a few shots of Jim Beam, he would have shown me his Civil War sword and ammo collection. "Do you see this sword Dudley?" as he put it to my throat. "This was used to kill my great great grandfather. I like to keep it around as a symbol of what I do to those who get in my way. You weren't planning on getting in my way were you?" To which I of course would have responded very delicately, "No Michael Douglas how could I harm you, the greatest actor of our times. That would be akin to burning a Van Gogh." Then Michael Douglas would say, "You're right Dudley, I wouldn't want to burn a Van Gogh, but I've never liked DiVinci." I would of course have agreed with him and called him by his full name a few more times before quietly slipping away into the night and stealing a few kisses from Catherine Zeta, you know because he would have asked me to take her to the Oscar awards that night since he had to get into character.

Does this all seem crazy to you guys? How did I miss out on all this? How am I so honest all the time? Haven't I learned anything from acting and reading about actor's in Parade magazine about how they got their start lying about everything. I can't even lie about my age. How am I gonna make it? Geez.

Maybe I could start by saying that I made up the whole Michael Douglas thing to get unwarranted attention.

Yeah that's it! That's the golden ticket!

Crap it's not true. Michael Douglas, I need you now more than ever.

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