We Are All a Work in Progress

Actually, I haven't been to many movies since moving to New York City, but I can still give you a great idea of whatever it is you're going to see this week when you go TO THE MOVIES!!!! Over the Hedge: Dreamworks can do no wrong, and talking animals in CGI are red hot right now for some reason. Madagascar sucked but over the Hedge is clearly a fun movie. This is a date movie for guys who have girls who enjoy being a kid at heart. There's probably a fierce battle with the next door neighbor with the hedge clippers and the animals probably stage some desparate rescue of some trapped animal and make wisecracks along the way and chances are one of the animals is scared but one is a hero and convinces the others to come along with. Look, this is a funny movie if you can handle cartoon movies. If you can't, then you didn't need me to tell you to stay away. The DaVinci Code: DID YOU CRACK THE CODE YET!!!! Movies that feature religious themes and deep dark hidden secrets...

I didn't really meet this guy, but I wish I did. Welcome back true believers. This morning I wrote a blog story on myspace about how I was woken up by a mouse and I already got 14 people to view it and it got me thinking about the future of this blog. Clearly I'm at a crossroads because of the lack of readership, and of course some of my readers are not on myspace to bear witness to my clever way with words. What to do? What to do? I've been kicking around the idea of turning this blog into sort of a commentary on pop culture blog which if you've ever talked to me is really my speciality and moving my great stories to myspace. I need all my fans out there to leave a comment about what they think about that in the next week, seriously. I mean that. Also, I'd toyed with the idea of not actually finishing the epic tale of my first large non union production because I didn't find it terribly int...

This is me now. I've been working out. and i joined the military on weekends without telling anyone. and i decided to get a nasty tattoo. Saturday was my first day ever as an extra in a commercial with 500 other people. I got the notice from an email casting service that sends me scads of emails every day. Normally they're for specific categories like Afr ican-American Female 20-25 needed for one day model shoot. Horseriding skills preferred. Also must speak spanish. My acting chops are pretty good, but I don't know if I could pass for that. I mean, I'm no Felicity Huffman but I am pretty hot. So this notice came in for something that I thought I could do - Americans between 25 and 60 needed for Bacardi comme...

There is no such thing as a sane woman. Period. End of story. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying, or a woman, and since woman are predisposed towards lying as a natural condition, it's really all the same thing. Women cannot be caught by lie detector tests because such devices are designed to test whether or not the person believes what they are saying, and women internalize their lies and weave such elaborate fantasies around them that they are unable to read words coming out of their mouths as anything other than gospel. Additionally, women, unless chastized otherwise, enjoy talking about whatever situation they're involved in, as long as they feel free to do so, which usually involves another woman being present, since they would likely be the only ones that another woman would trust her deep dark secrets to. Keep in mind, that to a woman, nearly all of her inner workings are private and deep dark secrets; this extends from how many Snickers bars she ate that da...

The 4 time champ It had been a long time coming, but yet most of his friends and family didn't see the telltale signs of a man burnt out from the near daily stress of checking lineups and scorecards and trying to sweettalk his best friends into gift dropping him their best players. And at 12:31 this morning, it officially happened - Norman Ferguson retired from Fantasy Football. In one last post to the league where Norman had spent the better part of the last 10 years of his life he cited mental fatigue and a desire to spend more time with his family as some of the major contributing factors. "Apparently I have a third son now and my daughter graduated college. When my wife gave me the dates of these events I tried to track down where I was at the time to figure out how I could have forgotten about such important events. According to the timeline, I was likely reading my foxsports news update about Priest Holmes possibly missing a game during week 2 of the "Big Dawgs...

From over stimulation, too much cigar smoke in the apartment and 3 hours of sleep on sunday followed by 6 on monday and after a full 8 today i need to go to bed right now. ive been way tired for over an hour. but still i knew the people would be clamoring for me, and I cannot abandon them. It is against my honor! Some notes of note I was at a house party on Saturday, and the topic happened to come up about Moby and whether or not he was a christian and then it struck me that christians sort of have this minority view of themselves where they (we) cling desparately to people in popular media and pin our normal view of christianity on them. Oh so if Moby's a christian, then i guess it's okay! that kind of thing. and then someone brought up how some old school metal artist is a christian but he doesnt change his stage show to reflect that, believing that its only a show and he shouldnt change what made him successful in the first place while living his life with friends and family...

You guys probably thought that I wouldn't notice that my last 2 lucid and bizzare posts met with no comment. Perchance it was because you had no idea what to say. I no no. I spelled the word "no" wrong. It should have been "know", as in Dr. Know the first James Bond movie (other than Casino Royale of course) based on the popular British spy character invented by Ian Fleming way back when. It was always great escapist fun watching James Bond because he always had some gadget which would allow him to do something so ridiculous that you would just laugh, shake your head and say, "That wacky ol James Bond has done it again!" And speaking of ridiculous... Which movie are you guys looking forward to more, Rocky 6 or Rambo 4? I haven't watched a single new Stallone film since Copland in 1997, the rest have all been, as I understand it, turgid. You may not be familiar with that word as such, but you'll have to trust me when I say that it was used derog...

I have no real reason for writing that, except that it's funny in an idiosyncratic sense and if nothing else that's at least good for something, although I must admit that at this time I am not exactly sure what that is or why it would be important but I feel I have certain obligations to my readership to include you in important goings ons such as this private joke that we are now sharing in honor of that beloved social revolutionary, Abby Hoffman. Abby loved his country so much that he named his only son after it, and thus America Hoffman was born, although I think it would have been more powerful if he had named him Johnny America who could have then become a comic book character and fought all sorts of wacky adventures against the red skull. I'm so sorry but work on this blog is unbearable now that I have become afflicted with the dread disease that waits for all of us - sleep! Sleep is to be feared. It can strike at any time and without mercy. It holds no regards to th...

Hoo boy! There sure is a lot of stuff going on in the world isn't there? I mean that's like a serious understatement if ever understatements have been made, and certainly they have otherwise there would be no need at all to have such a word which describes something which otherwise wouldn't ostensibly exist. I heard that Dick Cheny, who is currently our vice president as of this writing, shot someone in the face. It's very likely that this won't happen ever again as I understand he is now going through a mandatory "face shooting sensitivity training course" which is designed to let the viewer understand how serious it is to shoot someone in the face. I have never seen it, since I have never shot anyone in the face, however there was this one time that me and my brother were playing with BB guns and my brother asked me to point the gun at him and pull the trigger, which looking back on it seems like a really bad idea given the fact that our dad had told us ...

What with trying to be entertaining and having my living soul sucked out of me lately, I've noticed that I've been a little skimpy on any actual, you know news about me. Since probably nearly everyone that reads this thing actually knows me, that may not be such a bad idea. I mean I may have to sacrifice writing some ridiculous story about God knows what that 5 of you would enjoy for the greater good of mankind as we know it to be. So, what has been happening with me lately? Not a lot if you judge by this thing, but experience has taught me that a man's blog may not always be the best representation of anything that is actually relevant to him, especially if you're dealing with an individual of such an unusal persuasion like myself. Did I happen to mention that I enjoy celery? Well maybe I should have. Information like that could be quite pertinent should you chance to encounter me at some wild and distant point in the future when those damn dirty apes have destroyed ...

For the benefit of everyone who doesn't live in New York City, which admittedly is most of the world, you may not be aware of some particularly strange new york behaviour that goes on in the subways. It is thus: when you are waiting to board a subway it is perfectly okay to engage a stranger in conversation, if interested the stranger will talk back and if you board the same train as them it is perfectly okay to continue the conversation until it ends and try to exchange phone numbers or just mumble something at them as they get off on their stop and have a happy life that doesn't include ever seeing you again neccessarily. However, once you are actually on the train, 99.99% of strangers will not have a conversation with you for fear of their life. It's like the whole personification of the alpha male syndrome of pack animals. When you look at someone in the eyes too long they may growl at you or move to a different seat to avoid all the intimidation that you are directing ...

So I was in the elevator at the grocery store going down to the parking lot and I saw a sign that said "shoplifters will be prosecuted". I kind of find that hard to believe because of the logistics of catching every little kid that makes off with a snickers bar. On the other hand though, I think most lawyers are sneaky, so to make up for it, I think there should be another sign that reads "Prosecuters will be shoplifted." I kind of think that would bring balance to the world.

I just finished watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO on Demand and right when I turned it off, the Price is Right was on and I was reminded to keep my pets spayed and neutered. There's not many things that reach all the way back to your childhood, but Bob Barker takes me back and he's still fresh. By god, did you see the way he punched out Adam Sandler almost 10 years ago in Happy Gilmore? Man he was really old then, so imagine how old he is now!

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of the chair that I bought yesterday for 13 dollars that provides me enough back support to be able to write to you relatively free from pain. Let's give it up for the chair everybody! And my flat panel monitor and speakers are now resting comfortably on a svelte but cheap looking computer desk that came in a 35 pound box that I had to lug 2 blocks from the store along with the chair and then collapse in a heap. The next day after becoming strong like bull I put myself to the test yet again and attempted to setup the computer desk despite the fact that the directions are written in 3 languages and clearly the interpreters at times forgot which one was which. Although this may not explain how part 5 was labelled part 1 but it is obvious to me that not a single woman works at the plant that this monstrosity was put together at, otherwise they would have made sure that all needed holes to gently send the screws home into were present and acc...

...whew! I was just reading tips on cover letter writing, and it said to grab the audience right away, so I figured that would be a pretty good way to do it. You know by overemphasizing how great this blog is. Don't get me wrong. I mean it is pretty great but it may not neccessarily be the most important blog you will ever read. I mean there's that one blog about that political guy that I heard is kind of neat, and there's like this one blog that teaches you how to knit sweaters at home. I guess that's pretty important right? Alright before we breeze through today's topic I just wanted to tackle some issues real quick with my astounding depth and insight. Immigrants: Get a job Terrorists: Don't like em Bad Weather: Stay indoors! Smoking: Causes Cancer! Inhaling: Disqualifies you from Presidential consideration Ham Sandwiches: Delicious Smelly armpits: Deodorant Packing Tape: Better than masking tape The VCR: oh the memories Doughnuts: Krispy Kreme Original Glaz...

As of this writing, I am still without a job. I would not mention this under normal circumstances in this blog as I hate for the content to descend into begging and depressive states of behaviour. Plus experience has taught me that it makes for terrible entertainment, which if not the central focus, should at least be a consideration for any work of public consumption. Therefore, if focusing on personal content at all, it becomes neccessary for me to either lie, stretch the truth, not be totally honest, or just ruminate in a self depricating way about the strange and wonderful journey which so far doesn't seem to have produced much of anything. And whalla! We have today's topic. We're going to have a stroll down the good old memory lane where everything was a little bit rosier colored, the grass was greener, and I could still reach for a third funny cliche' to round out this sentence. The time was early November of 2005. I had just moved into my brand new Brooklyn apart...

Hey everyone, your favorite Future Superstar is currently dealing with a severe emotional blow from a lady and so has been thrown at a loss for what to write today. However, I did want to let you know that I have been working steadily on The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots and I have decided to make the intro to the book available for your perusal. We'll get to that in a second, but first some news My First On-Air Commercial! Okay, it's only a regional spot, but I can actually be seen for a good second onscreen in this commercial for Koons Toyota which is shown in the Maryland, and Washington D.C. area. Click here to view it in all its glorious color! I tried to get a screenshot but I fear that my nerd skills may have waned a bit since turning 30. And now the moment that you've all been waiting for... The intro chapter to The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots! The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots Warning: If you are reading this, it does not necessarily mean that you are not ...

In a convoluted story just released yesterday by CNN.com, several things were revealed. A) Hawaii has nearly reached maximum capacity of the amount of tourists that they would like to have. B) Hawaii would like to keep the same amount of tourists that they have now. C) However they would like the tourist base to have a lot more money. D) "A rich person that throws their money away on expensive room service, oil rubdowns every night, and guided trips of volcanoes while hangliding or snorkeling" is now un P.C. according to Hawaii's tourist board and has been replaced with the phrase "activity seeking tourist." E) If more people came to Hawaii, then everyone would not be able to appreciate the "Aloha Spirit" which is not translated in the article, but which I have bothered to look up for you. It refers to the New Agey kind of energy of good will where everyone puts all their thoughts and actions to good will and harmony results. These are the same kind o...

Being the transparent persona non grata in many circles that I am, people often feel that I am being something less than transparent. In fact, many of those same people are downright nasty and probably yell at their mother's on the telephone about how they didn't have time for them when they were 8 years old, scaring their roomates half to death and forcing them to remain secluded in their room. So needless to say I get a lot of gripes. I usually cope with these mindless tantrums and complaints the way the President does - by completely ignoring them, and forging ahead to a shiny destination in the future met by a thousand points of light. However, a recent anonymous commenter made a comment that I so completely disagreed with that I decided to forego my normal response to said cowardly anonymous commenter and point out kindly in the comments section how ridiculous and unthought out their commentary was and how they should take their dissenting opinion to a place where it will ...

What does the future hold for Joshua Dudley, future superstar? Well, shortly after this blog is done, I'm going to get up off this futon and eat some cereal. I want to let all my fans know that I do try to eat healthy but there was only one egg left and I already scrambled that with cheddar cheese. But I know, that everyone is talking, and the buzz is becoming almost too much. People are saying, "Hey man, you've got the internet now, you can email people again, you can waste a whole afternoon reading movie reviews and any new ipod news that may be linked to cnn.com and I'm like, "You're right. You're absolutely right! I can do that! I can do all that. And one day I will, but not today." I really don't know why so much of that last paragraph was in quotes, since this whole thing is in first person anyway. I guess that's kind of wierd. Alright, I lost where I was going with that. I was thinking about the Dave Chappelle on Oprah interview that I ...