What I Hate Right Now #1

As a person who mindlessly soaks up every bit of cultural minutia, I read a lot of articles. Specifically, I reed cnn.com every day and I just read probably the one millionth article written about the mobile phone wars. The bottom line of every article is always exactly the same - it sums up earnings for whichever companies it is talking about and then speculates about their future earnings.

Also, by the way, why are articles written every single week about what the top grossing movies are? Is it that obvious that the movie companies pay the newspapers to write about them?

How symbiotic is the relationship between writers and industries that make a ton of money like cell phone companies?

Also why is it so important that we (meaning me) who constantly keep up with whats going on are forced to be barraged with meaningless news and pointless rumors like this?

I can barely comprehend why news media outlets aren't running more coverage of the billions of dollars spent every day on the industrial war machine that is America.

Wow, and people are out of work and losing jobs and everyone is running around using the phrase "this economy" this and because of "this economy" that. Meanwhile the American public is so desperate for answers that they turn to these Tea Party Lunatics in a desperate bid for meaning out of this morass that they find themselves in.

Why they don't demand a dramatic decrease in military spending as a way to reduce the budget overrun that is pushing us farther and farther into debt and bringing the promise of a one world nation closer and closer all the time is beyond me.

I hate so many stupid articles that I read about idiots everywhere.

And I just watched a cnn video fawning over double amputee "victim" Aimee Mullins who is a top fashion model and a top athlete showing up for the shoot like she just came back from riding a horse with her tied back in a loose braid. She talks to Sanjay Gupta about how her whole life she was upset that people said she accomplished so much despite her disability and shes come to realize that she has accomplished so much because of her disability.

Also, just maybe part of the reason why she's such fodder for the media is because she's extremely hot and if she wasn't then she wouldn't be doing photo spreads and would be getting about as much attention as the worlds top wheelchair athletes.

Alright. I need to stop. I have to wake up to audition for the role of "Paul" in a Mormon movie about the New Testament.

I Hate NY#5 - I'm Not Coming to Your Event

Everything in NY is based around events. People are always asking you to go to this event or that event. All the papers and magazines like TimeoutNY or AMNY or the Metro are advertising the latest cool thing that you should be going to tonight or tomorrow night because chances are you don't have a group of friends that just sits around and does random shit together like go to Starbucks or watch a movie.

Everyone here seems to think that's boring.

All you have to do is walk outside even and you'll see posters up advertising Mexican Wrestling and Tacos, or a HOT97 concert in the park, or a reading at Barnes and Noble by a popular author or comedian that you didn't even know was an author.

In fact, everyone you know in NY is dying to invite you to their latest event or thing that they are no doubt a part of.

If you don't know someone that doesn't want you to come to their comedy show of some sort, musical concert, poetry reading, kung fu class, or theater piece, then you are likely not even trying to meet anyone and are at home playing Left 4 Dead 2 multiplayer and trying to rack up achievements on your XBOX 360 leaderboard.

On any given Thursday night for instance, I have my pick of 3 different comedy shows that start at 9pm with or starring people i know in them.

For most of those people the routine of shitty job during the day practice practice practice perform perform perform at night is their entire life and the reason they have willingly put off any hopes of a family, steady income, and a yard.

I guess I have to applaud them and all their hard work and I hope that they one day get a regular part on a comedy central program or a gig on Broadway.

But I just hate going to events by myself.

Even at those shows where I know people, I'm just a willing audience member until about 1130 when its Miller time and I like to get up at 7 and do Kung Fu.

Events are how people connect here. (on the train) Hey do you know so and so? yeah she's in my improv class! Unless you agree to go said improv class or show it's see you later when its your stop.

Woman always shield themselves from strange men propositioning them, and here in NY, events are just one more layer of protection for them to hide their no doubt freeky side behind.

Woman in NY don't want to give a guy they just met randomly their number to meet them for coffee or drinks because there is a chance that it could go horribly wrong. The guy could be super boring, or not as attractive as was remembered, or keep pet fancy rats at home.

But meet a woman at an event where there are people that you may perhaps both know, and drinks will be involved, followed by cigarettes, then out to a diner with her "ingroup" for coffee, then followed maybe by her number, an invitation to add her on facebook, and an invite to their next event.

This is only the first step in the initiation, you should not possibly think that you have arrived at the circle of trust yet. Do not dare call this girl up during week and ask her to do something else because she has rehearsal that night and does not have time for you.

In fact you may have to go to several of these events whether you like it or not just to get an actual date or a night of drunken ramblings followed 5 hours later by "oh shit i have to go to work"

I recently sat next to a girl on the subway reading a Conan the Barbarian book by the original author Robert E Howard, and needless to say my nerd arousal button was peeked and a casual conversation was soon struck up about Conan which led to her working with Latex and the character Baroness from GIJOE and finally ...of course to the Star Trek improv group that she does lights for Start Trekkin.

Yes, I was asked if I was going to Comic Con this weekend and implicit in this question was the fact that her group was performing there. Sadly I have to go to a wedding this weekend or else I would be there taking pictures with Wookies no doubt.

It appears I have to wait till next Saturday August 16th to find out whether or not I have the chance to...go back to several more performances before I find out if I have a chance or not with the nerd girl of my dreams.

Clearly the second half of this column has been written from a man's perspective. If you are a woman reading this and trying to process how the so called comedy stylings depicted here represent you in any way, just try to ask yourself if you have ever invited me to any events.