Man versus Machine

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of the chair that I bought yesterday for 13 dollars that provides me enough back support to be able to write to you relatively free from pain. Let's give it up for the chair everybody!

And my flat panel monitor and speakers are now resting comfortably on a svelte but cheap looking computer desk that came in a 35 pound box that I had to lug 2 blocks from the store along with the chair and then collapse in a heap. The next day after becoming strong like bull I put myself to the test yet again and attempted to setup the computer desk despite the fact that the directions are written in 3 languages and clearly the interpreters at times forgot which one was which. Although this may not explain how part 5 was labelled part 1 but it is obvious to me that not a single woman works at the plant that this monstrosity was put together at, otherwise they would have made sure that all needed holes to gently send the screws home into were present and accounted for.


Probably only 2 of you know what a pilothole is, hence the reason that I didn't mention the word "pilothole" in that last paragraph. My roomate, the great Italian who mumbles a lot, was baffled when I said the pilotholes were missing from this piece of crap. I had to explain to thim that pilotholes are holes that are pre-drilled so screws can be inserted with a minimum amount of effort. This also helps to explain why the part of the computer desk that the keyboard normally rests on is still on the ground. It is because my brain and my back could not take any more drilling without drill bits and using flat edge screws. So I am typing away with my wireless keyboard right in front of the monitor as nature intended it.

Important Read this Line Carefully!

And yesterday one of the temp companies that I've been going to off and on for weeks finally came through and starting on Monday I will be the receptionist at the NYU real estate office.

Thank you Sweet Jesus. Amen.

You should note this line too

This concludes today's blog as my whole afternoon was spent in a race against time to put this thing together so I could write this and then go to my friends concert.

and we're done.

The Most Important Blog you will ever read!

...whew! I was just reading tips on cover letter writing, and it said to grab the audience right away, so I figured that would be a pretty good way to do it. You know by overemphasizing how great this blog is. Don't get me wrong. I mean it is pretty great but it may not neccessarily be the most important blog you will ever read. I mean there's that one blog about that political guy that I heard is kind of neat, and there's like this one blog that teaches you how to knit sweaters at home. I guess that's pretty important right?

Alright before we breeze through today's topic I just wanted to tackle some issues real quick with my astounding depth and insight.

Immigrants: Get a job
Terrorists: Don't like em
Bad Weather: Stay indoors!
Smoking: Causes Cancer!
Inhaling: Disqualifies you from Presidential consideration
Ham Sandwiches: Delicious
Smelly armpits: Deodorant
Packing Tape: Better than masking tape
The VCR: oh the memories
Doughnuts: Krispy Kreme Original Glazed
Keyboards: Wireless Keyboards
Coffee Machines: Espresso Machines
Labor Problems: Take a hike
China: Quit buying our country commies!

And there you have it folks, late breaking commentary about issues important to you.

Oh wait there's one more

Olympic Winter Games: Couldn't care less.

The Great Job Search

As of this writing, I am still without a job. I would not mention this under normal circumstances in this blog as I hate for the content to descend into begging and depressive states of behaviour. Plus experience has taught me that it makes for terrible entertainment, which if not the central focus, should at least be a consideration for any work of public consumption. Therefore, if focusing on personal content at all, it becomes neccessary for me to either lie, stretch the truth, not be totally honest, or just ruminate in a self depricating way about the strange and wonderful journey which so far doesn't seem to have produced much of anything.


And whalla! We have today's topic.

We're going to have a stroll down the good old memory lane where everything was a little bit rosier colored, the grass was greener, and I could still reach for a third funny cliche' to round out this sentence.

The time was early November of 2005. I had just moved into my brand new Brooklyn apartment of hardwood floors, and bad smells with the knowledge that this wouldn't be an easy jaunt. In fact, I kind of had this idea that things might not go so well at first, which is good because it helped me to deal with a seemingly unending string of days involving me getting on the subway to Manhattan, picking a starting location, and going to as many restaurants as it was possible to talk to that day about hiring.

I remember my first interview at Bubba Gump Shrimp clearly. I walked up the stairs of this chain restaurant that was all decked out in wood so polished that you could see your face in it, as well as numerous bright colors and sparkly objects from the sea to tease, and please the easily amused traveling consumer and his family.

I got an interview with the manager who asked me some stock questions about restaurants, most of which involved guest relations, and working with the other "team members". I in turn gave him stock answers, and tried to look as eager and friendly as possible about working in a place that clearly knew a thing or 2 about fried foods. He said they would probably give me a call, so I called the next day to see if they had a chance to review my resume, they said they were looking into all of them, and then I never heard from him again. This set the tone for that whole first month of wandering the streets, reading books on the subway, and going to the library to use the internet.

Anyway, I wasn't too happy, and so I could have been knocked over by a feather when a manager at Pizzeria UNOs told me that he wanted to offer me a job. Training didn't start till the next week though, so I went home and proudly told my friends of my great success and they crowded around the big New Yorker and began offering their accolades and wanted to add their own jokes to my comedy act. Yes, everything was looking up until I went back to go to training and I discovered that I had written the time down wrong and was 30 minutes late. So after a lot of begging, pleading, cajoling, and a one page letter, I was shown the door.

Despondancy was definitely starting to set in and soon thereafter I began scouring the classified ads looking for any job, not just restaurant work. I still can't believe that juice bar didn't hire me. What the heck kind of qualifications were they looking for anyway?

My favorite story of this nature deals with the time I applied at CVS pharmacy. Yes, you heard me right. I was so desparate that I applied to be a greeter at a backwards pharmacy, unfortunately I made the mistake of telling the lady over the phone that I was an actor and I was doing some comedy open mike nights. This surely whet her appetite for a vigorating discussion of the comedy arts and what people used to laugh at 40 years ago.

At the time of the interview I was ushered into the stock room and made to sit down at a cheap plastic table that employees probably used for eating granola bars on top of and forgetting about their problems while reading the ingredients of various cleaning supplies.

The 50 something shrewish woman kept asking me these insulting questions as to whether or not I could smile because it didn't look I was smiling. Why, surely I must have been thrilled at the prospect of a 6.50 an hour job of standing out in the cold and thanking people for shopping at CVS. She insisted that she wasn't sure that I could smile. I assured her that it was a skill that I had perfected and constantly worked on just in case an opportunity like this one presented itself. After a nauseating question and answer session she walked me to the bathroom and let me know that it would be my responsiblity to clean, and then she again wondered aloud if I could do it. I told her it would be fine and began looking at the large bathroom, thinking about all the poop stains which would no doubt be accumulating as we spoke, then she told me to quit looking so hard.

After we got back to the table she tried to ease the mood by saying, "Are you sure that this job won't interfere with your career. The hours are from 11 to 11 at night sometimes. This isn't Trollup you know." She was aghast that with my English degree I had never heard of or read Trollup. It was obviously very important in her life. Then she reminded me that we would be dealing with a very conservative client base and then asked if I could be conservative. I assured her that I was as clean cut and well mannered as the next fellow, so we proceeded on to the letter that I was to write out, explaining to the manager about what a great job I would do there and why I wanted to work at CVS. After this ordeal, she was still unconvinced, and handed me a mirror and asked me to look into it, smile big, and say I love CVS. I love my CVS customers. I almost cracked under the pressure of such an enormous undertaking but I managed it without too much effort.

Fortunately that same day I got a job at TGI Friday's and worked there proudly for 3 weeks and was promptly laid off on the morning of New Years Day when I called in to check my schedule.

Gathering courage, I began sending my resume to all the places mentioned in the classifieds and had to turn down some really skeezy and ghetto telemarketing jobs.

Things were looking up when I strolled into a Philly Cheese Steak shop and asked if I could apply and they promptly threw some plastic gloves on me and had me going through the motions for 2 hours. Then I worked a full day and found out that I wasn't actually hired yet. I was just in training and they would be calling me, and you know how much I hate that.

2 weeks after that I was hired at an Egyptian restaurant and promptly given 20 pages of material to learn the next day. I sweated and sweated over it and was thrown on the floor the very next day just to help out. After making too many mistakes that our gracious host had ran over for 3 hours in orientation the previous day, I was sent home and was sure that I was to be fired. It would have been a better scenario at that point because I was shipped to the Tapas Restaurant next door that had almost no customers and the same gruelling amount of training. During this time I turned down an office interview and a job offer much to my later chagrin as it would turn out.

So after enduring the trials of learning all their information for a whole week I was told that I had finished training and would be put on the schedule. Then fate intervened and the manager's dad died and he left the country for a week and his store was looked at by middle managers from the Egyptian restaurant who concluded that their wasn't enough business to hire me, so I was promptly shown the door again when the manager returned.

But the next week I realized that I had an advantage over most New Yorkers since I had a car and decided to go back to what I knew best - pizza delivery.

And thus concludes our thrilling story and brings us up to the present day. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it.

First Chapter and News

Hey everyone, your favorite Future Superstar is currently dealing with a severe emotional blow from a lady and so has been thrown at a loss for what to write today. However, I did want to let you know that I have been working steadily on The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots and I have decided to make the intro to the book available for your perusal.

We'll get to that in a second, but first some news

My First On-Air Commercial!

Okay, it's only a regional spot, but I can actually be seen for a good second onscreen in this commercial for Koons Toyota which is shown in the Maryland, and Washington D.C. area. Click here to view it in all its glorious color! I tried to get a screenshot but I fear that my nerd skills may have waned a bit since turning 30.

And now the moment that you've all been waiting for...

The intro chapter to The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots!

The Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots

Warning: If you are reading this, it does not necessarily mean that you are not an idiot.

Of course it does not altogether disqualify you from being one either. Of most native readers of the English language, the ability to read and understand complete sentences like this one is actually attained at quite a young age and it can actually be said with some certainty that this ability does not make one any more or any less of an idiot. There are still many idiots with us after the completion of elementary school. Strangely enough, there are far more idiots in the world after receiving a high school diploma than there were before. Stranger still, there exist quite a good many idiots out there in the world with a college degree. Shockingly, even the possession of a masters or doctorate does not exclude one from this very real and grave possibility.

The sad truth is that no amount of education in the world can stifle or prevent idiot tendencies completely. This is because idiot tendencies by their very nature are inborn, making them utterly and horribly inescapable. From the time of conception on up till when death locks us in its icy jaws we are all imprinted with the genetic material to say or do things of incredible stupidity. This is called “higher intelligence”.

Animals do not have higher intelligence, so clearly they must have “lower intelligence”. They also have very few things in their life to juggle, mainly just eating and sleeping and looking out for anyone bigger than them who might want to eat them. Additionally their comprehension skills are severely limited, so not only do they not know what they are looking at most of the time, it never crosses their mind to wonder what it might be anyway.

These are just some of the reasons why animals are seldom seen engaging in random acts of idiocy. Squirrels falling out of trees, and birds running into windowpanes would be among the few examples. Animals have such a limited scope of things to do that they very seldom screw up in an obvious way that makes them look ridiculous to onlookers. People on the other hand with their “higher intelligence” have such a broad scope of tasks to perform in life because of what they should know, and because of the capacity they have for performing tasks, that the chances of them doing something ridiculous at any given moment are incredibly high.

This is basically what defines an idiot; it is someone who screws up in either small or monumentally large ways. Normally there have to be other people around to notice it and think to themselves, “God what an idiot.”

It kind of reminds me of the old adage if an accountant screws up in a small office by himself and no one sees it, is he an idiot?

Can you be an idiot with no one watching?

How much of an idiot can you be with other people watching you?

This is what this book is about. It’s about people doing dumb, ridiculous things when they should know how to do those things.

A lot of you reading this right now might say that this book can’t possibly be about you. After all, you have a good job with a steady source of income, providing you with enough free time to read a book as ridiculous as this one. Also, you are very smart and always know what you’re doing at all times, and you always fill out the right forms, and dot all your t’s and cross all your I’s.

If this is indeed the case, then I might hazard a guess that this book may be very helpful to you indeed, because after all, if you’re reading this, then you just may be an idiot.

Hawaii to spread joy by getting rid of Poverty!

In a convoluted story just released yesterday by CNN.com, several things were revealed.

A) Hawaii has nearly reached maximum capacity of the amount of tourists that they would like to have.

B) Hawaii would like to keep the same amount of tourists that they have now.

C) However they would like the tourist base to have a lot more money.

D) "A rich person that throws their money away on expensive room service, oil rubdowns every night, and guided trips of volcanoes while hangliding or snorkeling" is now un P.C. according to Hawaii's tourist board and has been replaced with the phrase "activity seeking tourist."

E) If more people came to Hawaii, then everyone would not be able to appreciate the "Aloha Spirit" which is not translated in the article, but which I have bothered to look up for you. It refers to the New Agey kind of energy of good will where everyone puts all their thoughts and actions to good will and harmony results. These are the same kind of people that freek me out by always talking about karma, and energy, and balance. Also some of these people take a lot of mind altering substances. It's because the harmony of nature and you with it becomes more real that way. And that's the only reason. I know when I sit around with a rolled up fattie and all my friends that look like they're from a public awareness commercial that's the only reason I do it.
It's just to maintain the balance man. That's all I wanna do okay!


The article posits itself as a straight news piece, indeed it's from the Associated Press - your trusted news source for all things newsworthy since the news began. Without the Associated Press, it's safe to say that we wouldn't know anything about squat outside of our backwards little communities that we live in while carving bird feeders by hand out of melon ballers. It's not as easy as it looks either.

However the article takes on a surprisingly snarky (but subtle) tone when it says this, "Hawaii's target market is shifting towards "activity seeking travelers" -- rich people who golf, spend hours in a spa, island-hop and can afford the overpriced snacks inside the hotel's mini bar." I have a feeling that when Rex Johnson, President and Chief executive officer of the Hawaii Tourism Authority, sat down for the interview for this article, he wouldn't have consented if he'd known that his mini bar snacks were going to be called "overpriced." You didn't quote me on the mini bar! Rex would have screamed. Don't you know that those snacks are the highest quality refreshment for our very special guests, the activity seeking travelers, and I'm very upset right now. I can hardly breathe. Can someone please get me some guava juice and one of those squeeze balls that release tension?

Barry Wallace, executive vice president for hotel operator Outrigger Enterprises concurs when he says that, "Our initiative has been to focus on the very best guests - the ones who will take advantage of activities and other amenities that we have to offer. That's been the focus of our marketing for the last 2 years, and it certainly will be from this point forward."

I don't know about you, but I could almost feel Barry's saliva glands operating as he smelled all that money coming in. In fact I have this image in my head of him giving that interview while shining a tourist's shoe with a hundred dollar bill. Can you picture that? Go ahead. Do it right now. I'm serious.

All right. Now that we're all on the same page I would like to point out how Barry shot himself in the foot. That's a cliche' that means essentially that Barry possibly sabotaged what he was trying so hard to promote with that interview. This was because he described rich tourists as "the very best guests", this of course would imply that middle class tourists would be the worst guests and that he doesn't want them around. This is nearly on the same level as Ross Perot's classic gaffe where he addressed a gathering crowd as "you people" except that it's in a fluff piece on the marketing of Hawaii which I can't believe is on a national news page, and the writer of the article is probably embarassed by it and is fortunate that his name isn't attached to something so mundane.

The rest of the article is likely summarizing a long interview citing facts and figures about Hawaii's recent tourism industry. There's also a quote about the Aloha spirit which is sort of disjointed and I can't quite understand what is meant to have been said. Maybe one of my lucky readers can figure it out. Here's the quote from our pal Rex Johnson retyped verbatim, "if we lose this thing called "aloha", we're just like any sand-and-surf destination. I don't believe we can afford to go there." Rex is clearly a marketer at the top of his game and I salute him. To read more about corporate speak, and its fascinating uses, go here, it's an archived article from the old Joshua Dudley fan club.

Wrapping it Up

Chances are that some of you noticed the picture at top of the article. I congratulate your cognative skills. You may have wondered what the heck the picture was all about. Honestly, I just wanted to create the spirit of hawaii and I was having a hard time looking up pictures of Hawaii girls without getting porn So I settled on a classic picture of Elvis from his historic 1961 movie Blue Hawaii. Enjoy.

Striking Back for America

Being the transparent persona non grata in many circles that I am, people often feel that I am being something less than transparent. In fact, many of those same people are downright nasty and probably yell at their mother's on the telephone about how they didn't have time for them when they were 8 years old, scaring their roomates half to death and forcing them to remain secluded in their room.

So needless to say I get a lot of gripes. I usually cope with these mindless tantrums and complaints the way the President does - by completely ignoring them, and forging ahead to a shiny destination in the future met by a thousand points of light. However, a recent anonymous commenter made a comment that I so completely disagreed with that I decided to forego my normal response to said cowardly anonymous commenter and point out kindly in the comments section how ridiculous and unthought out their commentary was and how they should take their dissenting opinion to a place where it will be met with much less virulent dissent and open honest and frank discussion - you know, someplace like Palestine.

So for the benefit of those readers who can't trouble themselves to go back one column and peruse leisurely the remarks that I refer to, I will quote the offending comment in its entirety.

"Dude what is the purpose of this blog? To be funny? To give us real insight into your daily life? Your recent entry does neither." by the reader who has named himself "Hey" posted at 3:07 pm

Since this comment refers specifically to my recent blog (the one right before this one) I will quote liberally from it to defend myself from these unwarranted attacks.

Hey begins with a legitimate question, and one that I find myself asking more and more these days, just what is the purpose of this blog? Well, I think the fact that I have called it "Diary of a Future Superstar" should give you a pretty good idea. It's a diary, so I'm free to write about pretty much whatever I want within legal, ethical, and personal moral standards. I enjoy movies and pop culture, so references to those often find themselves nestled within my fascinating words of wisdom to which I and others should aspire to.

I also happen to be very funny. This is backed up by literally hundreds of quotes from friends and associates who will attest to this great maxim that indeed "Josh is a funny dude." In fact, I have a new friend Long-Haired Tourist Guide who introduces me to all of his friends like this, "Josh is the worst comedian I've ever met, but he has the best timing, and timing is everything." So, since I am funny, a lot of my frank writing, which is basically all of my material, will often contain large chunks of humor which may be unnoticible to the common sense of humor, much like how only bats can hear certain high pitched noises.

To prove it, I will insert quote #1 from previous column, "So what does the future hold for future superstar, Mr. Joshua Dudley? Well, after this column is over I'm going to get up off of this futon and eat some cereal."

I would like to point out that this quote is from the beginning of the last column and that it sets the tone for the piece as a whole and is actually funny. I'll explain why. The question of what does the future hold is generally perceived to be referring to a time in the near future defined in generally mushy terms as being weeks, months or years away. Comedy is in a sense about re-direction, you get the audience thinking that you're taking them one way and boom you hit them up side of the head with your sense of how things are really going from a totally different direction than the the one that they were expecting. Instead of talking in vague terms about what I was going to be doing weeks or months from now I stated what I was going to be doing in the next few minutes. On what I think is a funny side note, after the column was finished I couldn't decide if I was still hungry or not, until upon re-reading my newly finished column I discovered that I needed to eat cereal, which I had clearly forgotten about, so the whole joke became a big "note to self."


The second big attack by Mr. Hey is his question about how this blog should provide insight into my daily life but it does not. Well Mr. Hey I think I have effectively slaughtered 2 birds with one stone with that last piece, since if you will note that it points out that I like to eat cereal.

Later on, I provide intelligent commentary into the whole Dave Chappelle morass which was recently broadcast on the Oprah Winfrey Show to a national television audience of several million. This indicates that I am either concerned about Dave Chappelle as a person, that for my own personal gain I want to see his show continue, or that I am hip to what America is talking about and just want to share in the conversation. Whichever way you slice it, it is obviously an insight into my daily life, part of which consists of thinking about funny Dave Chappelle moments. Like right now, I am thinking about Dave Chappelle dressed as Rick James being kicked up into the air by Charlie Murphy, playing himself and hitting in slow motion a dresser drawer and breaking a mirror.

Later still in the post I talk about the purpose of the blog and explain that I just "have to be me" of which the entire previous post is representative of and if Mr. Hey cannot see that then it is really too bad for him and there is nothing that I can do to help except reccommend some expensive counseling sessions with Dr. Melfy

However, none of this making sense to Mr. Hey right now, who probably thinks that I am completely stonewalling the issue when he cannot see the plain truth right in front of his nose. This is who I am. This is what I write about. How much do you think a person can write without revealing something deeper about themselves? I would have to be a fantastic storyteller or an incredible narcissist to write all these columns since July without revealing in fact a great deal about who I am. The truth should be obvious, but some people have a lot of 'splainin to do.

Now I'm not gonna lie to you, I try to make this thing interesting and you sure can't please everybody, although to people like Mr. Hey it would seem like maybe I should.

In conclusion Mr. Hey, my recent post in fact does both show who I am while being funny at the same time. It also allows for some incredibly awkward endings.

What's next for the future?

What does the future hold for Joshua Dudley, future superstar? Well, shortly after this blog is done, I'm going to get up off this futon and eat some cereal. I want to let all my fans know that I do try to eat healthy but there was only one egg left and I already scrambled that with cheddar cheese.

But I know, that everyone is talking, and the buzz is becoming almost too much. People are saying, "Hey man, you've got the internet now, you can email people again, you can waste a whole afternoon reading movie reviews and any new ipod news that may be linked to cnn.com and I'm like, "You're right. You're absolutely right! I can do that! I can do all that. And one day I will, but not today."

I really don't know why so much of that last paragraph was in quotes, since this whole thing is in first person anyway. I guess that's kind of wierd.

Alright, I lost where I was going with that. I was thinking about the Dave Chappelle on Oprah interview that I just finished watching. I guess a lot of people are talking about it. They're saying, "Wow Dave Chappelle really is crazy", and "That Dave Chappelle really was smokin something last night!" Although I may be misrepresenting that last guy by presenting his quote with an exclamation point.

But while we're on the topic, I watched the interview, and it was horrible. Dave was not only rambling, he was unspecific and I kept waiting for him to say something that I understood and then they would cut to a commercial break. He kept talking about all the pressure that was on him because of the 50 million dollar contract and all the people that wanted in his pockets and in his mind. Then he said he might come back if he could give his dvd money to "the people". And an entire episode of the one hour Oprah show was devoted to this story, which according to the interviewee wasn't much of a story. He needed a break from all the people hounding him, and he bounced.

So what I'm trying to say is, that maybe making my grand return to regular blogging with a special about my fat roomate wasn't in the best taste. Perhaps it won't gain me a larger audience. It seems possible that some people's tolerance for fat people is exceeded by their good taste. Maybe some people were offended by it. I get upset when people are offeded by me, and then in turn those people are offended that I am upset at them being offended at something I wrote for them. And then the whole thing just makes me sick.

But the truth is, I don't know where to go with the blog anymore. I can't make it too inclusive or I'll feel like I'm losing a small part of myself. What I'm saying is, I just have to be me. And until someone pays me to do otherwise, that's who I'm going to be.

Someone told me last night that, "They read my blog Mr. Dudley and they liked parts of it, but for a blog that was trying to be funny it didn't make me laugh as much as it could have."

So there you go. More laughs. That's what we need. Laughter. Happiness. Joy. Sentence Structure. Capitalization. Wow, I really should have ended with that thing about how I just gotta be me.

What's that I smell?

It sure isn't clean air. My elephant sized roomate is still next door lending his particular masculine aroma to every part of the apartment and spreading good cheer with his buff shirtless, full haired body every day during his morning ritual of going out to the kitchen with his bunny slippers on to pour half a gallon of milk into an economy sized bowl of frosted flakes so he can return to his abode and continue his quest of watching more television per day on average than it was thought humanly possible. He also sets a personal goal to eat at least 5 hot dogs per day. And then he accomplishes that goal. Way to go Mr. Oversized roomate guy! Some people don't know how to stick to their guns and make a plan and go with it, but not my large roomate. He takes it as a personal matter of pride. He knows the nearest grocery store is only a block away, and since it's cold outside he won't work up a sweat by walking there 3 times a week and coming home with milk, Kellog's Frosted Flakes, a 12 pack of buns, and 2 packages of Armour Hot Dogs (The dogs kids love to eat!).

Editor's Note: I know many readers out there expected something spectacular from their favorite friend during his months of hiding out and accumulating parking tickets at an astounding rate. However, I find that updating the drudgery of my new job at Tapa's Lounge at 1st avenue and 59 street in Manhattan and how I have to study all the time makes for bad entertainment. Pointing out the idiosynracies of life equals good entertainment. And I still have to study wine for 2 hours before going into work, so the nearest thing I could come up with to write about, was literally the nearest thing that I could come up with.

P.S. This is not an actual picture of my roomate, it is a still life photo I took at an all you can eat restaurant. To get a good sense of today's topic start by looking at the picture of the man, and then imagine him if you will without a job and eating cheetos all day while watching M.A.S.H, the Jeffersons, and the news and sleeping 17 hours a day. Then you will get a pretty good idea.

....but in the meantime..... STAY TUNED!!!!!!!